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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26521705">Please Hold On: all of it is crashing falling down on me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonglider/pseuds/moonglider'>moonglider</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band), Day6 (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Past Lives, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kim Byeongkwan-centric, Kim Wonpil-centric, M/M, Multi, Non-Chronological, OT5 is end game, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Recovered Memories, Red String of Fate, Romantic Soulmates, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Tags Are Hard, Temporarily Unrequited Love, i promise tooth rotting fluff for the last chapter, kind of</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 04:28:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>40,058</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26521705</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonglider/pseuds/moonglider</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Thirty years ago, Byeongkwan tied the souls of five boys together with the red thread of fate. Met by tragedy after tragedy, their story does not end happily. However, even after death their souls remained tethered to each other.</p><p>
  XXX
</p><p>Thirty years later, Wonpil believes that one day he will meet his soulmate. A red thread of fate that once tied five souls together in a past life begins to pull them back to each other. They begin to remember a love that surpasses a lifetime.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kang Younghyun | Young K/Kim Wonpil/Park Jaehyung | Jae/Park Sungjin/Yoon Dowoon, Kang Younghyun | Young K/Park Jaehyung | Jae, Kang Younghyun | Young K/Park Sungjin, Kang Yuchan | Chan/Everyone, Kang Yuchan | Chan/Kim Byeongkwan, Kang Yuchan | Chan/Kim Byeongkwan/Kim Sehyoon | Wow/Lee Donghun/Park Junhee | Jun, Kang Yuchan | Chan/Park Junhee | Jun, Kim Byeongkwan/Everyone, Kim Byeongkwan/Kim Sehyoon | Wow, Kim Sehyoon | Wow/Everyone, Kim Sehyoon | Wow/Lee Donghun, Kim Wonpil/Park Sungjin, Kim Wonpil/Yoon Dowoon, Lee Donghun/Everyone, Lee Donghun/Park Junhee | Jun, Park Jaehyung | Jae/Yoon Dowoon, Park Junhee | Jun/Everyone</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>67</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Drawing Only Past Days</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi, this fic is something else honestly. Let me take you through the timeline, if you don't care proceed to the story, but if you want to know how this story was created, stick around. It all started when I found this <a href="https://twitter.com/moonglider6/status/1294057135438008321?s=20">day6</a> picture and immediately I had this ot5 angsty soulmate red string of fate fic in mind. The main premise of this idea remains in this fic, but this is where it gets interesting. I happened upon this BL <a href="https://mydramalist.com/33506-until-we-meet-again-the-series">drama</a> probably a week or so after I had my idea. I am shook by this drama, I highly recommend watching Until We Meet Again, you can find it on YouTube.</p><p>Anyway I won't spoil the plot, but I just fall in love with this drama and started incorporating it into the soulmate idea I already had for Day6. The problem here is, the drama has past lives. So I get a little stuck on how I want to go about incorporating the past lives. This is when something amazing happens. A.C.E starts dropping their concept <a href="https://twitter.com/official_ACE7/status/1297096173640196096?s=20">photos</a> and I start getting all these ideas about what to do with the past lives and how to incorporate another group into this fic. These <a href="https://twitter.com/official_ACE7/status/1301437273502744576?s=20">pictures</a> and these <a href="https://twitter.com/official_ACE7/status/1304292336415830016?s=20">pictures</a> too just keep inspiring me to the point where I've basically written 10k words in a single day. Like I just couldn't stop writing.</p><p>I guess the whole point of me telling you this is that this story is very influenced by Until We Meet Again, however it will not be the complete same. Honestly Until We Meet Again is better, go watch it, it made me cry a lot.</p><p>I really struggled on how I wanted to separate this story. For a while it was going to be a one shot, and then I was going to make it two parts, but I think I've settled on making it multiple chapters. My goal is ten chapters overall, I already have seven written and I hope to stick to an updating schedule of once a week. I feel that this story is equal parts A.C.E and Day6 and explores the development of each relationship, however A.C.E's story will not be told chronologically where as Day6's story will be. I think it's more fun that way.</p><p>The entire time I was writing this story I listened to this <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0vhbqIZgg3XTldWQ2cyLFQ?si=DkJXj2NvTI6w4KtrikDfhQ">playlist</a>.</p><p>The title of this story is a mash of lyrics from Stand By You by A.C.E and Falling by Day6. I'll also be using those lyrics for the chapter titles. I feel like I'm constantly referencing Falling, that song is such mood sometimes.</p><p>I didn't put these in the tags but here are some trigger warnings:</p><p>TW // suicide , blood , </p><p>I hope the major character death doesn't stop people from reading, but it probably will. The ship tags are a little crazy, just know it's OT5 end game for A.C.E and Day6. Idk what else to say so I hope you enjoy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>X November 1981 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“Do you believe in soulmates?”</p><p>Sehyoon startles at the sudden question coming from the boy to his right with the chemically damaged undercut — not that Sehyoon himself can talk. Yuchan blinks awake at the sound of his voice; lifting his head from Donghun’s lap as Byeongkwan’s voice echoes in his head. </p><p>However, it’s Junhee that replies, “Like predestined soulmates? Someone you were meant to be with?” he ponders out loud, ruffling his coal black hair against biting wind.</p><p>“Yeah,” Byeongkwan nods, a soft smile on his face as he leans into Sehyoon’s side. “I think we’re soulmates.”</p><p>“Like we were meant to find each other.” Yuchan adds, laying back down across Donghun’s lap, settling in against his warmth. “I’d believe in that,” he agrees.</p><p>“Yoonie?” Byeongkwan pokes at his silent friend’s cheek — teasingly. </p><p>“Do I believe we’re soulmates? I don’t know.” he says lacing his fingers together with the dirty blond — he really doesn’t know how Byeongkwan managed to get his hair that color or maintain it — his hand is so much larger than Byeongkwan’s hand. “But I do think we’re as close as we can get too perfect for each other.” Byeongkwan can’t help but to giggle at Sehyoon’s words. He agrees, more than anything, <em> he agrees</em>.</p><p>“I think we were meant to find each other.” Junhee easily adds, smirking at Donghun as he does, teasing the eldest of their friend group.</p><p>“We complete each other.” Donghun says, a small smile pulling at the corner of his lips. His fingers slip into Yuchan’s silky red tresses, delicately dragging his nails down their youngest’s scalp. Yuchan smiles up at their — and he uses this term lightly because he knows nothing is official and may never be, but it might as well be the unspoken truth between the five of them — boyfriend, feeling the warmth from his palm seep into his skin. He loves the four of them more than anything.</p><p>Byeongkwan suddenly stands up, his smile brightening in response. “I have an idea. Be right back.” Byeongkwan is gone before any of them can say a thing. His slender figure disappears behind the trees that have all gone bare due to the cold.</p><p>Instead Sehyoon turns to Donghun and Yuchan, scooting closer to share in their warmth now that his little heater is gone. Junhee decides that’s not such a bad idea and gets up to cross the few feet in between their stone benches. He takes the spot Byeongkwan just vacated next to Sehyoon, it’s still warm. He rests his forehead against Sehyoon’s much broader shoulder, relishing in the comfort it gives him.</p><p>“Where do you suppose Kwan went?” Donghun asks the question on everyones’ mind.</p><p>“I don’t know where to begin with him.” Sehyoon chuckles — yet so fond of the younger boy.</p><p>It’s not more than ten minutes before the dirty blond is back, bouncing on the balls of his feet, obviously holding something behind his back. “Do you guys know the myth behind The Red Thread of Fate?” he asks, excitement evident in his voice as his eyes light up and sparkle almost too bright to be considered brown.</p><p>Yuchan sits up, shuffling himself into Donghun’s lap, more alert now. The eldest wraps his arms around their little red head; little isn't quite the term anyone would use to describe Yuchan, but Donghun likes it nonetheless. “You mean that string that ties people together?” he clarifies.</p><p>“Exactly!” Byeongkwan’s smile — his excitement — is infectious. Junhee can’t help but smile along, even if he doesn’t know what exactly the younger is getting at.</p><p>“What are you hiding there?” Donghun asks, quirking a confused eyebrow at the excited boy.</p><p>“This!” he reveals many long thin red threads clutched in his fist. One is already tied to his pinky. “The story goes, tying a red thread around your pinky and your loved one’s pinky will ensure your love lasts for eternity. And this way, no matter what happens, we’ll always be able to find each other again. I don’t want to go through another year without you all.” Byeongkwan reaches for Junhee and Sehyoon first, pulling them off the bench with little to no effort. The older boys go willingly.</p><p>“We can’t just walk around with strings attached to us forever.” Sehyoon teases, but doesn’t stop the dirty blond as he attaches a red thread to his pinky and then Junhee’s pinky, connecting the two older boys.</p><p>“That’s okay. I just want the memory.” he mumbles as he works diligently to tie a pretty bow around the coal haired boy’s pinky.</p><p>Yuchan hops off of Donghun’s lap and lets Byeongkwan fix a red thread between him and Junhee. He ties the thread that is around his own pinky to Yuchan’s other pinky — connecting them forever. Lastly, he reaches a hand out to Donghun who — with a deep sigh — joins the others in their red thread circle. Byeongkwan ties a thread between them and then to close the circle, ties a red thread between Donghun and Sehyoon.</p><p>“Now what?” Yuchan asks, swinging his arms back and forth, moving Junhee and Byeongkwan’s arms with him.</p><p>“I want a photo. Dongdong did you bring your camera?” Byeongkwan pouts at the dark haired boy next to him who simply rolls his eyes in response. </p><p>They shuffle over to where Donghun left his bag and he pulls out his camera. “How do we do this?” </p><p>Junhee starts directing them into a tight configuration. Sehyoon and Donghun in the back, Junhee and Byeongkwan kneeling down in front of them. That leaves Yuchan at the front and in the middle of them. Being the tallest of the five of them, he’s sitting on the cold damp ground. Yuchan angles the camera up. Once he’s sure he’s got all of them in the shot he snaps a few photos. Cranks the camera in between each photo. Despite the awkward angle, he’s sure he’s got all five of them in the shot.</p><p>Donghun takes back his camera, “I’ll get them developed tomorrow.” He says as Byeongkwan starts untying the red threads. He’s a little disappointed but at least they captured the moment.</p><p>Sehyoon comes up behind the younger boy and wraps him in his embrace, resting his arms around the younger’s midsection. “Are you happy?” he whispers against the soft skin of Byeongkwan’s cheeks.</p><p>“I am,” Byeongkwan mumbles in response, melting back into Sehyoon’s embrace.</p><p>“Then I am too.” Sehyoon presses a soft kiss to Byeongkwan’s temple. Nothing is official yet, but he can’t imagine anything better. He doesn’t need official titles to define their relationship when he has this.</p><p>Byeongkwan doesn’t want this moment to end. If he could freeze time, he would do it right here. He’d bask in this moment forever. The moment that started their eternity together.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X August 2016 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Wonpil believes in soulmates. He has since forever. If anyone asked, he’d say that he’s positive he came into this world destined to belong to someone. Soulmates almost became a kind of obsession for him. During his preteen years he’d obsessively read blogs by couples that claimed they were soulmates — story after story he’d consume them. His favorites were always the couples who believed that they had been reincarnated. His sister and mom started to tease him and at some point along the way he decided to keep his love of soulmates a secret from them and everyone else. His own guilty pleasure.</p><p>He has always felt like he was waiting for someone and no matter who he met, they were never right — for him at least. By the time Wonpil entered college he was starting to think maybe he wasn’t destined for anyone. Slowly his love for soulmates became tainted with the ice cold feeling of loneliness. Everywhere he went he would see people together in pairs or groups and here he was, unable to make any type of emotional connection with anyone. The closest he has to a friend is his older sister. That’s not saying much at all. And as the years passed his love for soulmates rotted and twisted into something deeply bitter that rooted itself in his heart. <em> He wasn’t meant for anyone. </em></p><p>Things got a little better when he met Dowoon his first year of college. He had taken a gap year trying to find himself and just ended up going to college anyway with no better understanding of himself or the turmoil inside him. Meeting Dowoon had been a blessing; if he’s being honest. A small part of his frozen heart had cracked upon meeting the shy boy who was going to be his roommate for the year. Dowoon just had a way of worming his way into Wonpil’s life. Before he knew it Dowoon made a firm unmoving home in his heart — it’s barely been a week. And yet he wonders what he used to do without Dowoon to brighten his days.</p><p>However, everything begins to change on the first day of classes. As Wonpil walks into his music theory class time slows to a stand still. His heart starts thundering in his ear drums, making him dizzy. Wonpil<em> still </em>believes in soulmates, because he just met the one his soul has been yearning for. For a split second he isn’t in the present anymore. He doesn’t feel like himself. Like he is suspended in some new reality separate from time. All the puzzle pieces come together as he shoots back into his body, but for a split second there he was floating. Floating above everything and the only thing tethering him to the ground is his soulmate. His reason for existing.</p><p>A name is on the tip of his tongue and his heart seizes up with a painful memory that he can’t quite make out. Nothing makes sense but the man that is standing only a couple of feet from him. They briefly make eye contact, but he looks away too quickly, yet Wonpil slips into the depths of his soft brown eyes. A name is ringing painfully in his head, begging him to grab it, to remember it. If only he could look into the eyes of his soulmate again, but the older boy doesn’t look up again.</p><p>He’s not sure how he makes it to his seat that day. He hasn’t taken his eyes off the dark haired boy standing at the front of the classroom. Somehow his butt lands in a seat in the first row, as close as he can get to the dark haired boy that is sporting a frown. Wonpil stops breathing when the man begins to speak. His raspy rich voice soaks deep into every fiber of Wonpil’s being. Like rich chocolate everything feels so sweet.</p><p>“Hello, I’m Park Sungjin, I’ll be your TA for music theory. My email is on the syllabus, please reach out to me with any questions.” Sungjin quickly rattles off as if he had been practicing it many times before. He takes a seat in the back of the classroom. Wonpil makes a mental note to find himself a seat back there next class.</p><p>For the next hour and a half Wonpil thinks of nothing else besides Sungjin. Committing his name to memory, the way his voice curled around those words. Wonpil has never felt like this before. Completely and utterly taken by the quiet boy. This is what he’d been waiting for his entire life. The person he knows that he is meant for. All those blog posts didn’t quite prepare him for the butterflies in his stomach. This overwhelming feeling of yearning that has completely taken over him.</p><p>Once class is dismissed Wonpil looks for the dark haired boy, but it seems he has already escaped through a door in the back of the classroom. That doesn’t matter; Wonpil already has an email drafted in his mind. After one more class he meets up with Dowoon for lunch and spills everything about soulmates and Sungjin and the way his heart stopped. Dowoon listens admintely, all too familiar with the feelings Wonpil is describing. If Wonpil had been paying better attention he might have noticed Dowoon’s eyes turn glassy and unfocused.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X November 1981 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Donghun ignores the irritated huff from Byeongkwan in favor of resting his head on the younger boy’s shoulder. Byeongkwan doesn’t take the hint however and instead asks, “Where are they? Our food is cold now.”</p><p>Donghun sighs in response before saying, “You know their buildings are farther and Chan-ah has to take a bus. They’ll be here soon and I’m sure if you pout at Sehyoon-ah he’ll get you more food.”</p><p>“That’s your specialty.” Byeongkwan teases, poking at Donghun’s nose piercing. He doesn’t really mind and lets the younger boy continue to be bratty. He might never admit it, but he finds the younger boy’s brattiness to be quite endearing. Even after all these years he wouldn't change a thing.</p><p>“I don’t think anyone can out pout you, babe.” Donghun smirks just the slightest as Byeongkwan tenses at the term of endearment. He’s so easy to tease. They haven’t exactly had the talk yet — the five of them — but pet names always seem to role off the tongue so easily. Donghun isn't sure they'll ever have that talk. There is too much to say when so little can happen between them. But Donghun enjoys teasing Byeongkwan nonetheless.</p><p>“I just want to see the photos already.” he whines instead.</p><p>“You need to wait for everyone.” Donghun rolls his eyes at the impatient boy, not bothering to lift his head as he hears the others approaching. It should probably worry him that he can identify the footsteps of not only his boyfriend but also his best friend. Yet it feels like quite the natural occurrence. He'd know Sehyoon's footsteps anywhere as he pads around their apartment in just socks. Dull thuds echo off their walls and yes, he's not surprised he knows the sound of Sehyoon's footsteps. Junhee's footsteps however, maybe that's something to be surprised about.</p><p>Sehyoon and Junhee take a seat opposite Byeongkwan and Donghun, trays of food in their hands already. Junhee is holding a tray for their youngest friend and Sehyoon slides a plate of warm rice towards Byeongkwan. Byeongkwan immediately perks up at the food offering and Donghun finally lifts his head off the younger boy’s shoulder. </p><p>“No one brought me anything? I see how it is.” Donghun pouts, softening his eyes at Junhee.</p><p>Junhee merely rolls his eyes at the eldest. “If you stop pouting, maybe I’ll give you something later.” he whispers for no one else to overhear. Byeongkwan nearly chokes on a spoonful of rice and Sehyoon’s entire face suddenly turns an alarming shade of red. Neither of them should be shocked by Junhee’s teasing by now, it’s been a few years, still it all feels so new the way the five of them can be so completely comfortable around each other.</p><p>Donghun on the other hand isn’t fazed as Sehyoon rounds the table to place a kiss on his boyfriend’s cheek. Donghun smiles happily before replying to Junhee, “I’ll hold you to that.” he leans in so that there is barely any space between them, the table however keeps a few inches in between them.</p><p>“I look forward to it.” Junhee challenges further.</p><p>Before Byeongkwan can scold them for being a little too bold in public, Yuchan plops down next to Junhee, completely out of breath. “Sorry guys, I missed the bus and just ran here.”</p><p>Junhee whips his head to their youngest, “Chan-ah what the heck? We would have understood if you couldn’t make it. You didn’t need to run here.”</p><p>“I know, I’m sorry.” Yuchan whines. “But I want to see the pictures.”</p><p>“Okay, okay.” Donghun cuts in, pulling an envelope out of his bag and setting it on the table in the middle of the five of them. Junhee pushes the tray of food in front of the red head without any prompting. Yuchan is grateful for the food as his stomach rumbles just the slightest.</p><p>Byeongkwan is the first to snatch the envelope. “I still don’t see why you got to see them first when this was all my idea.” He pulls out a small stack of glossy photos.</p><p>“Because,” Donghun tries to reach for the photos but Byeongkwan shoots up out of his seat and out of Donghun’s reach. “It’s my camera and I’m the only one here that knows how to develop film.”</p><p>“Whatever,” Byeongkwan shuffles through the photos, completely mesmerized by the glossy colors. Sehyoon holds out his hand patiently and Byeongkwan finally hands over the stack minus one photo. He sits back down, still holding the one photo against his chest. It’s his favorite. In the photo Sehyoon is looking down at him instead of the camera and Junhee is smiling at Yuchan instead of the camera. Only he and Donghun are actually posing for the camera as Yuchan looks like he’s concentrating on aiming the camera. He loves it. Loves it more than any photo he’s ever taken.</p><p>Sehyoon spreads the photos out in front of them. There is one for each of them. Yuchan made sure to take at least five photos yesterday. Sehyoon’s bleached hair looks practically white in the photos and the red of Yuchan’s hair is quite dull compared to the vibrant color he can see now. His own light brown hair looks rather dark; dark as Donghun’s natural color. Junhee’s coal black hair looks the same however, but that’s not a surprise. Junhee always looks effortlessly good.</p><p>Donghun knew Byeongkwan would choose that photo. He can read Byeongkwan like a book. Sehyoon chooses the photo that has Byeongkwan blinking in it, he can’t help but snort. He finds the younger boy undeniably cute. Yuchan snatches the only photo where they are all actually looking at the camera. Junhee grabs the photo where Yuchan accidentally cut off the tops of Donghun and Sehyoon’s heads. He can’t help but to laugh looking at it. Yuchan is looking up at them in the photo. That leaves Donghun with the photo of him looking to his left at Sehyoon, capturing his side profile. It’s perfect really. All five photos are perfect and unique in their own way. </p><p>“Our food is cold now.” Yuchan grumbles, stashing his photo away in one of the folders in his bag. “I need to get back to school soon too.”</p><p>“Then stop talking and eat.” Byeongkwan says with a mouth full of food.</p><p>“Yah!” Junhee scolds their younger friend. “Don’t talk with your mouth full, makes me not want to kiss you.”</p><p>Byeongkwan swallows quickly and with a shit eating grin he says, “So you want to kiss me?”</p><p>Junhee doesn’t bother looking at the younger boy and instead flicks some rice at him. “Just eat your food.” You’d think with how long they’ve been dancing around these feelings that it wouldn’t be easy to fluster each other. But Byeongkwan supposes this is what it’s like to be in love.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X September 2016 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“Do you believe in soulmates?” Wonpil almost can’t believe the words out of his mouth and yet he doesn’t regret them.</p><p>“Oh, uh,” Sungjin looks up from his work, caught off guard but completely intrigued nonetheless. He wouldn’t ever admit before, but maybe, just maybe. “Do you?”</p><p>“I asked first though.” Wonpil pouts, but he quickly realizes this is the first time he’s managed to get Sungjin to engage with him beyond music theory. He’s been coming to Sungjin’s office hours for three weeks now and Sungjin really doesn’t say much other than to answer Wonpil’s questions; which he doesn’t have much of to begin with. They often work in silence, but no one else comes to the office hours so Wonpil has made it his duty to keep Sungjin company. Not that the older boy has indicated that he’d like some company. Wonpil just figures he’s not hurting anyone so why not and Sungjin hasn’t complained yet.</p><p>“Well, I want to hear what you think first.” And that is honestly maybe the longest Sungjin has continuously spoken to Wonpil.</p><p>In response he spills his guts with little hesitation. “Yep! I absolutely believe in soulmates. I’ve always believed in them. For as long as I can remember honestly. It’s always felt like I was born to have one. Like I was born with half a soul and I just know someone out there is meant to complete me. I’m meant to complete someone else, I just know it. For a while I thought maybe I’d never find my soulmate, but now...” he’s unable to complete the thought, not without hearing Sungjin’s answer first.</p><p>“But now?” Sungjin prompts.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Wonpil shrugs it off. “Do you believe in them though?” he urges the older boy.</p><p>Sungjin looks down at his work, unable to keep eye contact with the younger boy’s intense gaze. That was something Sungjin had come to realize in the few weeks he’s known Wonpil. The younger has an intense gaze that is only heightened by the sharp cheekbones and jawline. He can never hold his gaze for long. A whole story is unfurling in the depths of Wonpil’s eyes. It’s a story Sungjin isn’t ready to hear. So he looks away.</p><p>“Yeah, I believe in soulmates too.” he simply says, agreeing whole heartedly with the younger’s words yet unable to reciprocate them.</p><p>Wonpil just can’t contain his excitement. Three weeks and this is what he’d been waiting for. When he looks into Sungjin’s eyes his whole world stops and even though they haven’t shared much he feels like he knows the older inside and out. Knows every small detail of his existence and yet doesn’t know a thing, but somehow he feels complete with just the older boy’s presence. Wonpil has never been sure of past lives before, no real evidence to support or disprove the notion. But more than ever he knows every time that he looks into Sungjin’s eyes that this is not their first life together. His heart longs too much for this to be the first time. He can feel another voice calling for the man in front of him. Crying out a name he can’t quite remember.</p><p>“I think I found my soulmate.” Wonpil can’t keep it to himself. He’s on the edge of his seat.</p><p>“Me too,” Sungjin softly smiles, not looking up from his work, fidgeting with his pen like he doesn't even realize it. His bouncing leg is causing the table they’re seated at to vibrate, but Wonpil doesn’t mind.</p><p>His heart is thundering in his ears, he’s not sure he’s breathing but he must be to get these next words out. “Who?”</p><p>Sungjin finally meets Wonpil’s intense gaze that is piercing so deeply into his soul he feels naked. “You don’t know him, I think.”</p><p>It starts as a small pang in his chest. Slowly it grows like his chest is on fire, he’s being devoured alive. His stomach becomes consumed with this dreadful sinking feeling. And just like that his world is crumbling down around him, his heart sinks to the pit of his stomach absolutely shattered into millions of pieces stabbing small unfixable holes into his very being. “I don’t?” The words must come out somewhat normal, because Sungjin continues.</p><p>“He’s in my year so I doubt it. I don’t know how to explain it. It was just the minute I saw him everything stopped.” Wonpil knows the feeling, knows it all too well. “It wasn’t like meeting a stranger. It was like my heart knew him. Something in me so desperately called out to him. I started crying, it was so embarrassing. This weird feeling came over me, like I wasn’t me anymore.”</p><p>Wonpil should be over the moon with how much Sungjin is sharing with him. But all he can think about is the tears that rolled down his face the night after he met Sungjin three weeks ago. Dowoon left for the showers and Wonpil curled up tight in his twin bed and cried his heart out. Sungjin’s name on the tip of his tongue as he sobbed for reasons beyond his reach. <em> Don’t leave, don’t leave, don’t leave me</em>, he kept sobbing until he passed out.</p><p>“What’s his name?” Wonpil can’t help it, he needs to know.</p><p>“Uh,” Sungjin looks flustered, a look Wonpil has yet to see on him. “Younghyun.” Sungjin slams his hand over his mouth hard. His eyes wide as saucers as if he didn’t think he’d actually say his name aloud.</p><p>That’s the final nail in the coffin. Wonpil feels numb. Shattered beyond repair. He musters some kind of energy and gives Sungin some stupid excuse before dragging himself back to his dorm. He’s never felt heartbreak before and he assumes that is what is consuming him now. He’d trade it for familiar feelings of loneliness any day.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Idk what to say, feedback is appreciated!<br/><a href="https://twitter.com/moonglider6">Twitter</a><br/><a href="https://curiouscat.me/moonglider6">curious.cat</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The End of this World Surrounds Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I know I said I was going to update weekly, but this chapter is ready to go and I kind of want to get this story going, so here. Next chapter will be next week though.</p><p>It's occurred to me y'all may not know what a.c.e or day6 look like so I will provide some photos of how I imagine them in this story.</p><p>A.C.E:<br/><a href="https://twitter.com/official_ACE7/status/1321663801486462977?s=20">Junhee and Donghun</a><br/><a href="https://twitter.com/official_ACE7/status/1014448710833434624?s=20">Sehyoon</a><br/><a href="https://twitter.com/official_ACE7/status/1316910810128650240?s=20">Byeongkwan</a><br/><a href="https://twitter.com/official_ACE7/status/1143590013675827201?s=20">Yuchan</a></p><p>Day6:<br/><a href="https://twitter.com/day6official/status/1305701722703015936?s=20">Jaehyung</a><br/><a href="https://twitter.com/day6official/status/925195673342898176?s=20">Sungjin</a><br/><a href="https://twitter.com/day6_japan/status/1053088666061422592?s=20">Younghyun</a><br/><a href="https://twitter.com/day6official/status/926282839213137920?s=20">Wonpil</a><br/><a href="https://twitter.com/day6official/status/1182324924016254976?s=20">Dowoon</a></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>X May 1983 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“Don—Donghun!” Byeongkwan scrambles to his side, barely able to pick himself up off the floor. “Hyung please,” he sobs, unable to breathe properly.</p><p>“I—I—” Dunghun can’t get the words out again, he can’t say them again. He can’t believe he said them at all in the first place.</p><p>“Please please please please,” Byeongkwan can’t do this. He can’t do this <em> again</em>. He can’t. <em> He cannot. </em> Donghun doesn’t say anything. His whole body aches and he’s covered in drying blood, but he can’t say it again. The evidence is coating him. “Where is he? Please hyung where is he, where is he, please, please!” Byeongkwan screams; every breath out of him is more painful than the last.</p><p>Donghun doesn’t say a thing. Byeongkwan heard him the first time, he wouldn’t be sobbing if he hadn't heard him and Donghun will not say it again. He won’t. He can only say something so horrible once. The tears come freely now. The shock of it all is gone and the blood soaking into his clothes — cold and numbing — makes it that much more real. <em> Is this his life? Is this what he has to look forward to for the rest of his life? Does it ever get better? </em></p><p> “Hyung—” Byeongkwan hiccups into Donghun’s shoulder, having buried himself into the older boy. “I—I want to see him. Please can we—”</p><p>Donghun carefully cups Byeongkwan’s cheek, bringing the younger boy to eye level. Byeongkwan’s knees are starting to ache from the force of his weight, but he leans into the older boy’s touch. Donghun cradles his face in between his hands. Byeongkwan doesn’t seem to mind the dried blood; Donghun’s touch eases the splitting pain that is threatening to tear him apart. He wipes away Byeongkwan’s tears, he never wants to see the younger boy in so much pain again. He can’t bear it.</p><p>“K—Kwan,” he murmurs, unable to get his voice to work properly. “Kwan,” Byeongkwan meets his eyes, sucking in a shuddering breath that aches deep in his ribs. “I love you.” It's not the first time Byeongkwan has heard these words from his lovers before, but every time still manages to steal his breath away. Donghun always steals the rug right out from under him, leaving him gasping, but this time Byeongkwan can’t manage the words back. Donghun’s hands slide from his cheeks to cup the back of his neck, bringing him down to rest against his shoulder — holding him almost too tightly. Still, Byeongkwan is thankful for the comfort, but something tugs desperately at his gut. “Remember Kwan, that I love you. I love all of you so much.”</p><p>One of Donghun’s hands drop from around Byeongkwan’s neck, the other tightens, holding him almost painfully against the older boy’s shoulder. He starts to move around and Byeongkwan tries to desperately pull back and away from the older boy to see what he is doing, but his hold is like a steel grip around the dirty blond. </p><p>“Hyung—”</p><p>“I don’t want you to see this. I love you so much.” It’s deafening. The ringing in Byeongkwan’s ears is maddening. Like cotton stuffed and shoved up against his ear drums. <em> It’s deafening. </em></p><p>Blood soaks hot and wet into his clothes as Donghun goes completely lax, his hand falls from his neck. The ringing in his ears won’t stop. <em> It won’t stop. </em> He can’t hear. He can’t think. He can’t move. It’s then that he realizes Donghun isn’t breathing against the side of his head anymore. He’s supporting the entirety of Donghun’s weight. He slumps to the ground as Byeongkwan scrambles back, the full force of what just happened slams into him like a freight train. Donghun’s soft bright brown eyes are staring back at him emotionless—the scream that rips its way out of his throat is shattering.</p><p>Everything moves in slow motion as if Byeongkwan himself is stuck in some kind of thick fog that is dragging him down. “Nonononononononono—” He starts but soon turns into one sob after another as he tries to gather Donghun’s motionless body into his arms. “It’s okay, you’re okay, please hyung you’re okay. I’ve got you. It’s okay, it’ll be okay.” He chants over and over again as if he says it enough it’ll become reality. “Don’t leave me, don’t—please you said you’d never leave me!”</p><p>Through the haze and his bleary eyes Byeongkwan sees the shiny shape of a gun half lying in Donghun’s hand. For a second everything becomes clear and the weight of his body in his arms becomes all too real as the blood from the wound on the side of his head soaks into Byeongkwan’s pants.</p><p>“Stay, please stay with me.” Byeongkwan sobs. Every shuddering breath wracks his body. “I don’t know what to do without you. Wake up, wake up, hyung, please. Answer me!” He collapses forward, no longer able to hold himself up against the weight of the world—his world ending. “You said you’d never leave me. You—you—” he can hardly breathe as he sobs into Donghun’s chest, desperately grasping for any part of him to hold onto. “You said you wouldn’t leave.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X September 2016 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Wonpil shudders awake from the nightmare, a cold sweat dotting at his brow and his breath coming out in shallow huffs of air. He’s been having the same nightmare over and over again, but he can’t seem to remember it upon waking up. Like a memory right there out of his reach; he wakes up with tears down his face and no recollection as to why. It doesn’t matter much anyway. He hasn’t left his bed for the entire weekend. Dowoon is understandably concerned by his crying roommate. </p><p>He and Wonpil have only been friends for about four weeks, but he feels like he has known the brunette for a lifetime and then some. His heart aches seeing the other so upset and he doesn’t even know why. He doesn’t know what he can do, but he keeps trying to bring Wonpil food; it’s the least he can do. It isn’t until Sunday when Wonpil finally gets out of bed. Dowoon was working furiously on an assignment so much so that he almost didn’t notice the mound of blankets rise off the bed. Perhaps in any other circumstance Dowoon would have laughed, but he’s honestly just so thrilled to see the older boy out of bed he could cry. Those intense emotions take Dowoon by surprise, but Wonpil quickly draws his attention again.</p><p>His hair is all mussed and he can barely keep his eyes open, they almost seem swollen shut from the crying. Dowoon carefully scoots off his bed to come sit next to Wonpil. He’s never been good in these situations. He doesn’t know what to say. Doesn’t know what is appropriate to offer. So he sits there silently and let’s Wonpil know that he won’t leave if he needs him.</p><p>Wonpil tips into Dowoon’s side, craving some sort of physical comfort. He’s always been fond of skinship. “Got my heart broken for the first time.” He finally says after minutes tick by of utter silence between the two of them.</p><p>Dowoon, again, doesn’t know what to say. What can he say? He also experienced his first real heartbreak about three weeks ago. It became almost laughably obvious that Wonpil was in love with someone else. Dowoon could not say nor do anything to change that. And so for three weeks he watched Wonpil fall more and more in love with his TA named Sungjin. And for three weeks Dowoon’s heart cracked and crumbled under the realization that Wonpil wouldn’t love him back. </p><p>His heart was stolen the minute that he saw Wonpil standing in their dorm room. He quickly turned around and Dowoon suddenly couldn’t breathe anymore. A lifetime of emotions washed over him as his eyes met Wonpil’s eyes for the first time. Dowoon had been waiting all his life for something. Something was always itching at him and for the first time he was sure he had figured it out. But with each passing day a little more chipped away at his heart. And now he and Wonpil sit here — the start of their fourth week of college — completely heart broken.</p><p>Instead he asks, “Do you want to talk about it?” because that’s what friends do and Dowoon is determined to make this friendship work despite what his heart aches for. Because if he can’t have Wonpil’s heart at least he can try to help mend it. Maybe with time he can also have his friend’s heart, but for now this has to be enough.</p><p>Wonpil shakes his head no, just the slightest bit more alive than a few seconds ago. Suddenly he’s smiling at Dowoon as if the last two days never transpired. “Let’s go get some food, I’m starved.”</p><p>Dowoon can only imagine. Wonpil barely ate five spoon fulls of anything all weekend. “The dining hall is closed, but we can go to a restaurant if you want?” Wonpil nods his head enthusiastically, shrugging his blanket capes off and standing up to stretch his muscles out. His body makes a series of satisfying cracks like a crumbling cracker beneath a fist.</p><p>“Remind me never to do that again.” Wonpil says off handedly, rummaging through his dresser.</p><p>“Do what?” Dowoon wants to add, ‘get your heart broken again?’ but he keeps that small tidbit to himself.</p><p>“Sleep the entire weekend. I feel like crap.” Dowoon wants to say something in response but it seems that Wonpil has completely moved on so he pushes it to the back of his mind and gets ready to go out.</p><p>“I can imagine.” he hums, pulling out a sweatshirt and jeans.</p><p>“Do you think you can help me?” Wonpil suddenly asks. He’s dressed in ripped skinny jeans and a long sleeved pullover. </p><p>Dowoon is certainly caught off guard. “With what?” he’s hesitant.</p><p>“I need to find a junior named Younghyun.” Something about the name sends a wave of recognition through Dowoon. He hasn’t ever heard the name before, but a weird sense of deja vu hits him. The same feeling — he realizes — accompanied the first time he heard Sungjin’s name.</p><p>“Why?” Dowoon asks instead. He doesn't know how he is supposed to help Wonpil find this person either way.</p><p>“I just need to meet him.” And Wonpil means it. He needs the closure or he doesn’t know how he’ll ever get over Sungjin. Just thinking his name causes his heart to the clench almost too painfully. He just needs to speak to Younghyun once. Just once.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X May 1983 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Byeongkwan remembers perfectly each time his eyes landed on one of his lovers for the first time. He was a fresh faced freshmen in high school when his eyes landed on Junhee for the first time. Junhee was a junior and a part of the team of older students there to welcome the incoming freshmen. Byeongkwan couldn’t take his eyes off the dazzling boy. He had jet black hair like ink and coal and the most piercing brown eyes. He could hardly contain himself. Junhee’s charming smile just spoke directly to Byeongkwan’s heart and had him undeniably flustered. The minute orientation was over he rushed down the bleachers, taking them two at a time until he stood right in front of Junhee.</p><p>“Woah there.” Junhee chuckled, grabbing Byeongkwan’s slender shoulders to steady him. Byeongkwan was a goner when Junhee flashed the brightest smile he’d ever seen. Yeah, Byeongkwan was smitten alright. Junhee quickly became the light of his life. The only rays of sun piercing through a cloudy murky sky. Later on Junhee would go on to tease Byeongkwan about how bold he was when they first met. Byeongkwan blushes, but he doesn’t regret for a minute practically bulldozing the older boy over.</p><p>He met Donghun and Sehyoon next, who were two of the most charming seniors in the entire school. Byeongkwan had been warned away at first. The sophomores told horror stories surrounding Donghun and Sehyoon. About Donghun's violent streak and Sehyoon's glare that could scare a tiger. Byeongkwan wasn’t fooled, how could he be? He could see past the rough exterior; see how gently the two of them treated each other. He knew they had a secret to hide from the world. A secret that was worth isolating themselves from their peers and scaring off anyone who got too close. But Byeongkwan wasn’t scared. He wanted what they had and Byeongkwan is nothing if not stubborn. Junhee will attest to that as he spent an entire month with the small freshmen following him around like a lost puppy.</p><p>Byeongkwan worked diligently to befriend not only Junhee, but Sehyoon and Donghun. The four of them found themselves spending massive amounts of time together, much to the confusion of their peers who had tried and failed to get close to Donghun and Sehyoon in the past. When people asked Byeongkwan how he did it he would shrug it off. The truth of the matter was, he wasn’t a danger to their secret, he only helped to enrich the love that had blossomed there between the two older boys.</p><p>Things never moved beyond soft gentle whispers and hand holding when no one else was around. Byeongkwan was satisfied, more than satisfied at the three boys he got to hold dear to his heart. That lasted until Sehyoon and Donghun graduated, leaving Byeongkwan and Junhee behind to attend college. They kept in touch however. Byeongkwan discovered a love for writing letters that year. Junhee had already filled out his application to attend the very same college as the oldest boys. Byeongkwan’s heart ached to join them too, but he knew patience was key. All in due time.</p><p>It was this following year when their foursome was split into pairs and then Byeongkwan met Yuchan. Yuchan was a baby faced spit fire. He and Byeongkwan got on like a house on fire. Junhee would comment on it often, much to his annoyance. Junhee began to tease Byeongkwan that he was assembling a harem. Byeongkwan took great offence to that. He only had to sneak up on Junhee once to get his revenge on the older boy. Junhee must have screamed for three minutes despite Byeongkwan’s hysterical laughter.</p><p>He didn’t want to think of it as a harem. He knew that Sehyoon and Donghun had feelings for each other. That much was evident. It was starting to become obvious that Yuchan had a crush on Junhee too. The younger boy was practically star struck. Byeongkwan couldn’t blame him for that. If he thought about it he’d be positive that Junhee was the literal sun in a past life. Byeongkwan felt at home with each boy. He couldn’t wait until he introduced Yuchan to Donghun and Sehyoon, but it wouldn’t be for at least another year until the five of them got to meet all at once.</p><p>Byeongkwan would say that was the happiest moment of his life. Yuchan quickly became the baby of their group, despite the fact that he kept growing taller and taller. He had started out as the shortest, but quickly passed Byeongkwan and then the rest. Their little maknae wasn’t so little anymore. Byeongkwan didn’t actually mind, it gave him an excuse to be babied by the oldests.</p><p>How their relationship actually started? Well that’s a different story entirely. But for a few years there their friendship was more than enough even though they all knew that something more was going on between them. Byeongkwan couldn’t have asked for anything more if he’s being honest. And as he holds the heavy metal gun in his hand he pictures each one of his boyfriends. He sees their smiles and their eyes light up in his mind. His heart fills with the never ending love he has for his boyfriends. That love turns harsh and digs deep into his heart. <em> How can he go on without them? </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X September 2016 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>It is not hard to find Younghyun; to both Wonpil and Dowoon’s surprise. It’s an average size campus, big enough for students to truly just disappear. Apparently Younghyun is a well known student on campus, however. Younghyun and another student, Jaehyung, happen to be these two hot shot music majors that just about everyone on campus is infatuated with. This is news to both Wonpil and Dowoon. The two of them walk around with slicked back hair and guitar cases on their backs acting like the two hottest things to grace the planet. </p><p>Wonpil hates them. He hasn’t met either of them yet, but he absolutely hates them. How is he ever going to compete with tall, dark, and handsome, who plays a goddamn guitar. The best Wonpil has got is some skills on the piano, but that’s nothing like shredding a guitar. The more he hears about Younghyun the deeper his hatred goes.</p><p>A sophomore in Wonpil’s music theory class points out Younghyun and Jaehyung to Wonpil and Dowoon one day while they’re out in the courtyard; quite the popular place to eat lunch before it gets too cold. Wonpil’s heart stutters for half a second and his brain whites out upon seeing the two of them lounging on the grass only a couple yards away. Something achingly similar to when he first met Dowoon prods at his heart and all the jealousy consuming him washes away to just sadness. Dowoon seems to be stuck next to him, his eyes reflecting the sudden sadness that is consuming Wonpil. If he looked closer he would see unshed tears pooling in the younger boy’s eyes.</p><p>“Do you know them?” Wonpil asks because he can’t shake this deja vu feeling.</p><p>“No, but…” Dowoon doesn’t finish his thought. He can’t formulate this feeling into words. “Do we have to go over there?” he whispers as if the two older boys can hear them if he speaks any louder.</p><p>“I want to meet him.” Wonpil is determined, that much is for sure, everything else makes no sense.</p><p>“I’m too introverted for this, you’ve seen him, can we just leave?” Dowoon has a point, but Wonpil is nothing if not stubborn.</p><p>“Two introverts make at least half of an extrovert.” Wonpil knows that’s gibberish, but he’s trying here.</p><p>“That makes zero sense.” Dowoon deadpans.</p><p>“Fuck it.” Wonpil suddenly says, squaring his shoulders and walking over to the two older boys. Younghyun has ink black slicked back hair with a few loose strands that hang around his eyes. His dangling earrings catch the light and dazzle against his flawless pale skin. Wonpil gets it now, he really does. Jaehyung on the other hand has bleached hair with just the slightest bit of his dark roots showing. His hair hangs in soft long waves around his face. They’re both tall and long, resting against the grass and <em> fuck </em> Wonpil gets it. <em> How is he supposed to compete with them? </em></p><p>Despite all his insecurities rattling around in his head he sits down in front of the two older boys, mentally hyping himself up as he does. Younghyun and Jaehyung slowly sit up, their eyebrows quirked and suddenly intrigued by the boy in front of them. Dowoon takes a seat beside him and all at once Jaehyung narrows in on the first year. His stare is unblinking but wave after wave of emotion passes in Jaehyung’s eyes. Younghyun doesn’t seem to notice and Dowoon keeps his gaze on his lap avoiding the intensity of Jaehyung’s gaze.</p><p>“Are you guys first years?” Younghyun asks, unbothered by the heavy tension that has settled around the four of them.</p><p>Wonpil nods, any game plan he had formulated is gone. Somewhere in the recess of his mind he had some idea of what he was going to say once faced with Younghyun. That has just evaporated into thin air. There is a slight pressure behind his eyes, begging him to remember something, anything, but he’s honestly grasping for straws. Instead he’s lost himself in the dark depths of Younghyun’s eyes. <em> What are words? </em></p><p>“I’m Younghyun and this is Jaehyung.” he introduces himself and Jaehyung, who hasn’t looked away from Dowoon, not that Dowoon is actually paying any attention to Jaehyung. “What can we do for you?”</p><p>Good question, Wonpil thinks, he doesn’t know. Has no clue and Dowoon isn’t going to be any help it seems. “Um, we wanted to meet you guys. We want to be music majors.” Wonpil pulls that out of nowhere and it’s not a complete lie, they do want to study music, but that certainly isn’t the reason they approached the junior and senior.</p><p>“That’s great!” Younghyun smiles dazzlingly at them; it causes Wonpil’s heart to stutter all over again. <em> Fuck. </em> </p><p>“I—I’m Wonpil and this is Dowoon-ah.” he introduces himself and his roommate.</p><p>“Being a music major is great. The professors here are so smart and helpful. If you need any help choosing an advisor, come to me. It all depends on what part of the major you want to specialize in. Personally I’m interested in making music and playing instruments, so is hyung.” Younghyun lightly elbows his friend. “What are you guys interested in?”</p><p>Wonpil can see now he stands no chance and honestly he can’t fault Sungjin for falling head over heels for Younghyun. Perhaps if Sungjin hadn’t completely stolen his own heart he’d be in love with Younghyun too. Now he just wants to leave and go wallow back in his room. Maybe get some fried food to gorge himself on.</p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Cannot Reach You in your Heart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>X August 1981 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Byeongkwan cannot even express how nervous he is. It’s almost impossible to get the tremble in his fingers to seize; which is a problem, because he really doesn’t want to drop this box in the hallway. He’s truly thankful for Yuchan by his side. Yuchan won’t be starting his senior year of high school for a few more days so he offered to help Byeongkwan move into his dorm room. He of course can tell just how anxious Byeongkwan is despite the fact that he is attending the same college as their older friends. </p><p>Currently they’re surrounded by a few suitcases and just a couple of boxes. They open up a few suitcases and then make Byeongkwan’s bed first. They’re now laying down side by side, seeking comfort in each other despite the heavy air of August weighing down on them. Byeongkwan is fidgeting, but Yuchan honestly doesn’t mind, he just wraps himself tighter around the slender boy. </p><p>“I know you’re scared, but hyung isn’t going to let you wander around lost and confused. He’s too nice of hyung to do that to you. He loves you too much.” Yuchan teases the older, getting a light chuckle out of Byeongkwan.</p><p>“It feels like I haven’t seen them in so long. What if they don’t like us anymore? What if they don’t love me anymore?” Byeongkwan can’t help but let the doubt seep in causing his voice to falter. </p><p>Last year was hard. The summer was even harder. Junhee got his first internship and was never around. Donghun and Sehyoon were busy building a life together, one that didn’t seem to include Byeongkwan. It hurt that he and Yuchan had been left in high school, forgotten by their hyungs. Yet he couldn’t fault them. Life went on. He and Yuchan were high schoolers, while Donghun and Sehyoon were practically college graduates. Byeongkwan didn’t want to be a burden for their senior year or distract Junhee from his internship, but he missed his hyungs. He missed that promise of something more that always hung between them. That promise that seemed to just be slipping farther and farther away from him. At least he has Yuchan.</p><p>He turns over in Yuchan’s arms, weaving their legs together. He and the cute redhead spent the entirety of the summer together, basking in their developing love while their hyungs moved on without them. Maybe they also moved on? Maybe they also let their hyungs slip away? Relationships were two sided after all, or in this case, a five sided.</p><p>“I love you.” He whispers, scooting in closer until their breaths mingle and the skin of their foreheads are pressing together.</p><p>“I love you more.” Yuchan whispers back, his voice taking on a husky tint that sends a shiver down Byeongkwan’s spine.</p><p>“Not possible.” Before Yuchan can retaliate Byeongkwan seals the distance between them with a light kiss. Yuchan has the softest lips; velvet against his own and Byeongkwan could waste the day away basking in the feeling of the younger’s lips against his own.</p><p>Byeongkwan is about to move away when Yuchan’s hand comes up behind his head and threads through his hair, holding him against him and taking the kiss much deeper. It starts off soft, maybe a little rushed and desperate. Byeongkwan rolls Yuchan onto his back, seating himself on the younger’s abdomen. They’re breathing is labored but that does nothing to deter Byeongkwan connecting their mouths again. He boxes Yuchan in, hands on either side of the younger’s head. His breath is still minty from his mouth wash. <em> God, Byeongkwan loves this boy. </em></p><p>“Hyung,” Yuchan whines out in between gasps as Byeongkwan moves away.</p><p>“My—my roommate could show up any minute now.” But the last thing Byeongkwan wants to do is move from his perch on the youngest’s abdomen.</p><p>“Fuck,” the redhead breathes out, fisting the fabric around Byeogkwan’s hips. He doesn’t want the older to leave, doesn’t want to lose him like he lost his other hyungs. It’s written all over his face, the pained expression too evident.</p><p>“Don’t cry, baby,” Byeongkwan cradles the younger’s face in his hands, gently wiping away the fresh tears. “I’m not going anywhere, it’s you and me forever. Okay, baby boy?” He can read the younger boy like a book. It’s not hard when they feel the same.</p><p>Yuchan believes him full heartedly, nodding despite the fact that he’s still crying. “Every—every day, I wanna see you every day. I—I—I don’t care okay, promise me every day?” he holds out his pinky finger expectantly.</p><p>As if Byeongkwan could ever say no to his baby. He leans back just the slightest and hooks their pinkies together. “It’s you and me forever.” he repeats, meaning it more than anything. Yuchan means the absolute world to him, all his friends do, but if he can at least keep his little redhead close to his heart he’ll do just that. Even if Yuchan really isn’t all that little, those are just details.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X October 2016 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“It’s you and me forever.” Dowoon mumbles. He’s been vacantly staring out the row of windows taking up a single side of the library. His lips tingling and the same phrase on repeat in his mind. “Forever,”</p><p>“What?” Wonpil asks, finally noticing that Dowoon has been checked out for the last few minutes, maybe longer.</p><p>“Uh, nothing.” Dowoon mentally shakes himself, because it is nothing. It has to be nothing. These random images and words in his head have to be nothing, they can’t be memories. Dowoon can’t even hold onto them long enough to piece anything together. “Just thinking about something.” he shrugs it off, because what can he do? Tell Wonpil that he has repressed memories? That doesn’t make any sense. For all he knows he’s just daydreaming. </p><p>“You sure? You seem kind of freaked out.” Wonpil’s ability to read Dowoon’s emotions has become very handy, because for the most part, the younger is emotionally constipated. Dowoon rarely says anything that isn’t laced in dry humor and although he makes Wonpil laugh like no other, the little amount of emotion he shows concerns Wonpil at times.</p><p>“You’ll think I’m crazy.” Dowoon mumbles, keeping his voice low, they are in a library afterall.</p><p>“Try me.” Wonpil urges. Dowoon is one of the sweetest persons he’s ever met, he could never think such things about the younger boy.</p><p>“It’s just—I just—I don’t know how to explain it, because I don’t even understand it, but like…” Dowoon takes a minute to gather his fragmented thoughts and tries to actually form a sentence that will make sense, not only to Wonpil, but to himself as well. “Do you ever feel like you’re not you? Or like you’ve forgotten something important? Like really important. I’m talking about life defining importance. I feel like I’ve forgotten a part of who I am and I keep having these strange memories that aren’t me but it feels like me. I don’t know how to explain it.” Dowoon is evidently frustrated with his lack of understanding, how can he ever make Wonpil understand? This part of him that he can’t remember calls so desperately for Wonpil that it’s agonizing. If only Wonpil could understand him.</p><p>Wonpil can see Dowoon’s frustration and he understands it because he feels it too. Feels the sinking doubt in the pit of his stomach, because Dowoon’s words ring true for himself. Memories he can’t quite reach. An identity that feels like his own and yet is so far out of reach. “I know what you mean.” He finally says, easing Dowoon’s frustration just a bit. “I keep having this nightmare and I can’t remember it. But I keep waking up crying feeling like I’ve lost my whole world. I just remember this name, I remember crying out this name, but I don’t know who it is.” Wonpil explains, the name dancing on the tip of his tongue, he’s never spoken it out loud before.</p><p>“What’s the name?” Dowoon is instantly nervous, his heart rate is increasing rapidly, it’s suddenly too hot for the autumn air.</p><p>“Donghun.” It’s the first time this name has ever left his lips and somehow it feels more natural than his own.</p><p>Dowoon sucks in a breath because no he doesn’t know that name, no he has never heard that name, but yes that name engarves a hole in his heart like a memory he’ll never forget. <em>Donghun.</em> <em>Donghun. Donghun.</em> He would know that name like the back of his hand. Like a home he’s never seen, the name becomes a part of him.</p><p>As if hearing the name shakes loose a part of his own repressed memories, a different name seeps into his mind. A name that so completely accompanies Donghun’s name that it seems wrong to say one without the other. The name escapes his lips. “Sehyoon.” Wonpil gaspes loud enough to draw surrounding attention to them. Dowoon doesn’t know where the name came from, doesn’t know why it makes him feel like sobbing until he can’t breathe. This name invokes such a different reaction from him than Donghun.</p><p>“Sehyoon.” Wonpil echoes and just like Donghun the name makes a permanent residence in his mind makes his heart ache just that much more. He can only think of one thing to say. “Do you believe in past lives?”</p><p>Maybe a month and a half ago Dowoon would have shrugged, but from the moment he laid eyes on Wonpil he has known that his heart has ached for the older for a lifetime longer than he’ll ever remember. So instead he nods. “I think so.”</p><p>Wonpil spent his youth reading about soulmates and past lives and knowing that out there somewhere someone completed him. Someone he’d never met but his soul would know no matter what. “Do you think we were friends in a past life?”</p><p>Dowoon’s heart shatters just a little bit more than he ever thought possible. The answer is no. He doesn’t think they were friends. He knows that in a different life Wonpil had told him, <em> it’s you and me forever. </em> That once there was a time where Wonpil loved him more than anyone in the world. Maybe he does believe in past lives, but he also believes in curses. So he nods, because what else can he do?</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X September 1981 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Byeongkwan’s heart stops. Everything stops. It all comes to a stand still, because there he is. He almost can’t believe his eyes. Sehyoon is sitting at a stone table just a couple tables away. He’s sketching, that much Byeongkwan can tell. He hasn’t seen any of his hyungs in months, maybe closer to a year now. He occasionally gets in contact with Junhee, but Sehyoon and Donghun have been relatively unreachable for a while now. It’s only his second week of college, he assumed he’d run into his hyungs at some point of course, but most likely under a preplanned engagement. He doesn’t know what to do.</p><p>First instinct tells him to run, run straight to Sehyoon and throw himself at the older blond. His second instinct tells him to walk away and call the blond later. And if Sehyoon says it’s okay for him to bother him next time he’ll keep it in mind. Byeongkwan discards that, what does he have to lose? It feels like it’s been a year since he last saw Sehyoon, who is now platinum blond and that shakes Byeongkwan to his core. <em> Who the fuck cares? </em> If Sehyoon gets mad then so be it, maybe he’d been wrong all along, they were not meant to be. He throws caution to the wind and takes off in a sprint.</p><p>The wind whips past him and as Sehyoon lifts his pencil off his sketch pad Byeongkwan tackles the older boy right off the stone bench and onto the browning dry grass below them. Sehyoon wheezes at the impact, but the minute his eyes meet Byeongkwan’s almost too bright to be brown eyes his arms snake around the younger and crushes the boy in his embrace.</p><p>Byeongkwan lets out a soft whine as he buries himself in Sehyoon’s chest. It had been a brisk autumn day, Byeongkwan forgot to grab a sweatshirt before heading to class. Sehyoon’s arms around him now fill him with more warmth than he can imagine.</p><p>“Kwannie,” Sehyoon chokes around the name.</p><p>“Hyung,” Byeongkwan echoes back, tears gather in his eyes at the sound of the blond’s voice.</p><p>“Baby?” Sehyoon pushes Byeongkwan back just the slightest to see the tears rolling down the younger’s face. He gently cups his face, careful to wipe the tears away. “I’m so sorry, baby, please don’t cry.” Byeongkwan cries harder. Sehyoon still loves him, <em> fuck </em>.</p><p>“Don’t—don’t ever do that again.” he sniffles back his tears. “I’m still mad at you and Donghun hyung, but don’t ever disappear like that again.” he doesn’t even care about the scene he’s probably creating having Sehyoon pinned to the ground in the middle of the courtyard crying like a baby. </p><p>“Never, baby, I’m so sorry.” Sehyoon sits up, shuffling Byeongkwan onto his lap. “What are you doing now? Do you have any more classes?” he does, but fuck it, he’s waited too long to see his hyungs again.</p><p>“No—no it doesn’t matter, I want to stay with you.” he stutters out, feeling just the slightest bit shy. That’s not something he’s used to feeling, not around his hyungs anyway. But he can feel how firm Sehyoon is under him, how much broader the blond has become. He’s not the same twig that he was in high school, now a senior in college Byeongkwan is maybe feeling things he hadn’t thought about before. That’s a lie but he is definitely considering them more now.</p><p>“Donghun-ah is waiting for me back at our apartment. I know he wants to see you too.” Byeongkwan wants to see him even more. It takes them a couple of minutes to gather the motivation to lift themselves up off the grass. Byeongkwan doesn’t want to move from Sehyoon’s lap, the only thing that convinces him is the promise of seeing Donghun.</p><p>Byeongkwan picks up his bag that he haphazardly tossed when he tackled Sehyoon. The blond packs up his sketchbook and pencils before shyly reaching for Byeongkwan’s hand. He can hardly hold the squeal in and quickly snatches Sehyoon’s hand. He interlaces their fingers, swinging them back and forth ready for the blond to lead the way back to his apartment. If he had been thinking clearly he would have made a pit stop to call Junhee and Yuchan.</p><p>He is supposed to be meeting up with Yuchan in two hours, of course depending on the bus schedule. If his mind wasn’t so muddled with <em> Sehyoon, everything Sehyoon; </em> he would have brought up Junhee, who he probably called three days ago. There’s nothing more that he wants than the five of them together again under one roof. Sehyoon’s hand in his makes him think everything will be okay.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X October 2016 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“Wonpil-ssi?” </p><p>Wonpil nearly drops his book — his heart hammers out of his chest — he really shouldn’t be that startled. He’s in the library killing time before Sungjin’s office hours start. He was not expecting to suddenly hear his name but it all makes sense once he turns around to find tall, dark, and handsome or in other words, Younghyun standing before him.</p><p>“Younghyun-ssi,” he tips his head just the slightest in respect to the older and closes his book. “How are you?” he asks, because what else can he say? It’s not Younghyun’s fault that he is perfect in every way.</p><p>“I didn’t mean to startle you, I was just bored and saw you so I thought I’d come say hi.” It’s a small campus, he really shouldn’t be surprised that he has to actively avoid the junior. “I’m doing good, you know classes are picking up now. Suddenly I have three essays to write.” Younghyun chuckles, not doing a very good job at keeping his voice quiet.</p><p>“Yep, I have an exam coming up.” Wonpil easily replies just hoping that time will move a little bit faster so he can leave. “I’m waiting for office hours to start,” he adds.</p><p>“Oh?” Younghyun quirks his head to the side. “With who?”</p><p>Wonpil really cannot stand himself right now. “Uh, Sungjin-ssi.”</p><p>Something dark flashes behind Younghyun’s eyes. “Don—Sungjin hyung, huh? He’s a good TA I bet.” Wonpil almost didn’t catch the slip up and something nagging and uncomfortable rests in the pit of his stomach.</p><p>“He is, I would be lost without him.” Wonpil agrees. Changing the subject from Sungjin, he asks, “Where is Jaehyung-ssi?” He honestly hasn’t seen one without the other so to find Younghyun by himself is a little startling. They seemed like a package deal.</p><p>Younghyun’s eyes light up immediately, like Jaehyung’s name is a switch in his brain. “He’s in class.” The soft smile on his face catches Wonpil off guard. “I’m waiting for it to be over.” Younghyun explains, running his hands through his hair and pushing it back off his forehead.</p><p>“Hmm,” Wonpil hums, so they’re both just waiting here. <em> Great. </em></p><p>“So, uh, how is Sungjin hyung?” Younghyun asks.</p><p>“He’s good I guess.” Wonpil shrugs. He and Sungjin don’t actually talk much, not after their soulmate revelation. Sungjin seems content to not say anything and Wonpil is honestly just tired.</p><p>“He doesn’t talk much, does he?” Younghyun huffs, as if he just read Wonpil’s mind. “I try talking to him but he kind of ignores me.” Younghyun chuckles awkwardly, rubbing at the back of his neck. </p><p>“He ignores you?” And yes that does sound like Sungjin, he’s a little distant, kind of off putting, but the mere mention of Younghyun had Sungjin flustered beyond belief as Wonpil recalls.</p><p>“I guess he does that with everyone though.” Younghyun shrugs. “He’s a nice guy, but I never get more than one word out of him.” Younghyun throws him a lopsided smile.</p><p>Wonpil doesn’t know what overcomes him. But somehow he just needs to ask. Something is nagging at the back of his mind, a name he’s only shared with Dowoon is rattling around back there and he finds himself asking the same exact question he asked Sungjin two weeks ago. “Do you believe in soulmates?”</p><p>For all intents and purposes Younghyun is not caught off guard. He leans against a bookshelf, a thoughtful look pursing at his lips. “I don’t know.” he says. “But I do think there are perfect matches out there for people. Do I think there are predestined soulmates? Hard to say. But is there someone out there that fits you perfectly? I imagine so.” Wonpil’s heart stutters to a stop and a name is on the tip of his tongue.</p><p>“Se—Younghyun-ssi?” he catches himself before the name slips free. “Have you met your perfect match?”</p><p>“Oh yeah, I just need to clue him in on it.” Younghyun chuckles again, deep and a little raspy, Wonpil’s knees go a little weak.</p><p>“Who?” Wonpil half expects to hear Sungjin’s name but a more logical part of him knows that Younghyun wouldn’t have spoken about the other junior so flippantly beforehand.</p><p>“You haven’t guessed?” Younghyun teases. “Jae hyung, I’m pretty sure everyone but him knows at this point.” </p><p>“Oh,” Of course that makes a lot of sense. So they’re both here just waiting for their soulmates, their very clueless soulmates. Wonpil’s heart aches for Sungjin, because even though Sungjin doesn’t like him back, his crush doesn’t like him back either. <em> How cruel can the world get? </em></p><p>“Don’t say anything to him, okay? I’m still trying to figure out how to tell him.” Wonpil wants to ask how long he has been trying to figure it out. But it’s not his problem nor his business.</p><p>Instead Wonpil excuses himself, “Time for office hours, I hope it works out.” And he does, because a broken heart isn’t something he’d wish on anyone. It won’t work out for him or for Sungjin, but perhaps Younghyun is just luckier than the rest of them.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X January 1983 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Donghun and Sehyoon’s apartment really isn’t big enough for the five of them. However being close has never bothered the five of them before. It’s Yuchan’s eighteenth birthday. Well, it was his birthday a week ago, but they couldn’t get away from their families until now. The fun thing about Yuchan’s birthday is that it’s the last day of the year. It’s already a new year by the time they get to fully celebrate their youngest’s birthday, but he doesn’t mind. They’re together and that’s what matters.</p><p>They hear Junhee before they see him. “Happy birthday,” he sings as he brings out a small cake, lit with as many candles as the boys could fit. It’s a mess.</p><p>Donghun, Sehyoon — who are snuggled together on the couch under a blanket — and Byeongkwan join in singing happy birthday to their youngest friend. Byeongkwan is pressed against Sehyoon’s blanket covered legs and Yuchan is sitting beside him on the checkered rug, a light blush dusting his cheeks. Junhee — who is all bright smiles — places the cake down in front of the youngest who has washed out pink hair and dark roots. It still looks cute on him.</p><p>“Make a wish.” Byeongkwan urges, maybe a little too excited for sugar, he just wants cake.</p><p>Yuchan leans forward and with one breath blows out the dozen or so candles sticking haphazardly out of the white cake. “Thank you guys.” he says, a big smile taking up his face.</p><p>“What did you wish for?” Junhee asks despite knowing the wish won’t come true if it’s told. He can’t help his curiosity.</p><p>“This,” Yuchan says, suddenly lifting himself up and swinging a leg over Byeongkwan’s lap. He drapes his arms over the dirty blond’s shoulders and leans in, pecking the older’s lips once. “I want this, with everyone.” he boldly states. It was no secret to anyone that their two youngest had something not so innocent going on between them. Just like it was no secret that Sehyoon and Donghun were also dating, had been dating for years. If Junhee wasn’t confident in their love for him he’d feel pretty left out. But they were worth waiting for. And Junhee prides himself on his patience.</p><p>Byeongkwan rests his hands on the younger boy’s hips, waiting for one of his hyungs to say something. He’d been ready since day one to give each of these boys his heart. With each passing day he only loves them more.</p><p>It’s Yuchan that speaks again however, “I’m old enough now. I know we were keeping it vague because I was too young, but I’ve been ready for so long. Please this is what I want. I want each one of you.” he reaches for Junhee who takes his hand grateful for the physical contact.</p><p>“It’s not that simple.” Donghun finally says. “I know it’s no secret how we feel about each other. But being gay is bad enough. How could we ever explain the five of us to anyone?” Everyone knows what Donghun is saying is true. It’s not like each of them hasn’t thought of it. Agonized over it.</p><p>“I don’t care.” Byeongkwan chimes in, honestly fed up. He’s waited so long for this moment and he’s not about to lose it. “Why does anyone have to know? It’s not anyone else's business. It’s just the five of us. We can act like friends in public, no one has to know about our relationship, it’s ours and I don’t want to lose you all because there are assholes in the world that won’t understand. They don’t matter. You guys matter, just you guys.”</p><p>Unshed tears are pooling in Yuchan’s eyes. He wants to cover Byeongkwan’s face in kisses right now. He chances a look at Sehyoon and Donghun behind Byeongkwan and sees the turmoil mirrored in their eyes. Junhee squeezes his hand and that’s all the comfort he needs to say these next words. “Hyung is right. No one has to know, but the four of you are worth fighting for. I want this.”</p><p>Junhee lets out a deep sigh and heaves himself onto the couch, letting go of Yuchan’s hand in the process. “So what I’m hearing is you guys don’t want me to be fifth wheeling it anymore?”</p><p>Sehyoon sputters a little bit, lightly smacking Junhee’s shoulder. “Jun-ah, my boyfriend flirts with you more than me, please shut up.” Donghun makes a strangled sound at that.</p><p>“Yeah, well you and Kwan are practically married, so…” Donghun attempts a comeback.</p><p>Despite the bits of laughter floating around between the five of them, Yuchan asks, “So are we doing this? Is it official?”</p><p>Byeongkwan looks to the oldests, stars shining in his eyes. Sehyoon often says he holds the galaxy in them. Sehyoon nods, he wants this more than anything. Junhee lets out a sigh of relief, flopping over onto the oldest’s laps, spreading himself out so he can be touching each one of his boyfriends. <em> Boyfriends! </em> Junhee could ascend right now, he can’t even believe he gets to call them that now. <em> His boyfriends. </em></p><p>Donghun clears his throat, “If we’re doing this for real then we need ground rules.”</p><p>“Kinky,” Byeongkwan wiggles his eyebrows, making Yuchan lightly slap his shoulder.</p><p>“I’m serious Kwan,” Donghun scolds the younger boy. “We need communication, we can’t just assume things. A relationship with one person is hard enough, but with five is going to be a lot of work. If anyone is feeling left out you need to speak up. Communication is going to be essential. There needs to be constant checking in with each other. Just because something is okay once doesn't mean it always will be. If we want this to work—”</p><p>“Well, I’m feeling left out.” Junhee butts in. “No one has kissed me yet.” Donghun rolls his eyes but leans down anyway to press his lips firmly against the younger boy’s lips. Junhee reaches up to hold onto the back of the older boy’s neck and let’s Donghun take control of the kiss. Junhee never wants this to stop. He knows he’ll quickly become addicted to the feeling of their lips on his. He can’t wait. He’s going to kiss his boyfriends every single day. No one is going to stop him. He has to stop the squeal bubbling in his throat the minute he feels Donghun’s tongue brush across his bottom lip.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Was Left in my Hand</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I really enjoy this chapter. Idk why I enjoy writing angst....</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>X October 2016 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Wonpil doesn’t usually stick around and wait for Sunjin after office hours. He usually bails with about fifteen minutes left just to avoid any awkwardness. However he and Sungjin got talking and before he knew it they were walking out of the building together. They weren’t talking about anything that important. Sungjin was just telling Wonpil about how he always wanted to be an idol, or well, a singer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I never passed any auditions because I couldn’t dance. My mom made me go to college, she said I could try again after I graduated.” Sungjin rolls his eyes and Wonpil can’t help but smile fondly at how much the older boy has opened up in the last few weeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re so talented though,” Wonpil starts, now they are walking down the sidewalk with cars zooming by them. “I bet—” A loud shot echoes off the buildings and straight to Wonpil’s heart — he drops to the ground, hands pressed hard against his ears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wonpil-ssi?” Sungjin startles, dropping down next the curled up boy who is shaking like a leaf. “Hey, it’s okay, it was just a car backfiring. It’s okay.” he rests a hand on Wonpil’s back, not sure how to soothe the unresponsive boy. “It’s okay,”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s rattling around in Wonpil’s head like a memory has been shaken loose. He grabs hold of the memory and can’t escape it, words bounce around his head stirring up a storm, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t want you to see this. I love you so much.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Who’s voice is inside his head? A voice so familiar that it aches, but he can’t place it to save his life. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t want you to see this. I love you so much.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>What happens after? What doesn’t he want Wonpil to see? </span>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t want you to see this. I love you so much.” It’s deafening. The ringing in his ears is maddening. Like cotton stuffed and shoved up against his ear drums. It’s deafening. </span>
  </em>
  <span>The car backfires again and again on a never ending loop — Wonpil must be screaming — it’s not a car, it’s not, he knows what makes that sound, what it implies. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t want you to see this. I love you so much.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Who? Why would he say that? The memory comes faster as the sound of a gunshot ricochets around his brain.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Blood soaks hot and wet into his clothes as Donghun goes completely lax, his hand falls from his neck. The ringing in his ears won’t stop. It won’t stop. He can’t hear. He can’t think. He can’t move. That’s when he realizes Donghun isn’t breathing against his neck. He’s supporting the entirety of his weight. Donghun slumps to the ground as he scrambles back, the full force of what just happened slams into him. Donghun’s soft bright brown eyes are staring back at him emotionless—the scream that rips its way out of his throat is shattering. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Wonpil is screaming, hands pressed firmly over his ears, fingers gripping at his hair so tightly they’re turning white.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wonpil!” Sungjin grabs the slender boy’s shoulders and shakes him, not sure what else to do at this point. “Wonpil! Look at me, please! It’s okay!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonpil’s head snaps up and his hands drop down to his sides. “Donghun?” he whispers, almost too quiet for Sungjin to make out — somehow he does and the name sends an ice cold chill down his spine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stumbles back on to his ass away from Wonpil. “Wh—what did you say?” he almost can’t get the words out because he honestly cannot believe what he has just heard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Donghun, he—he died, he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop!” Sungjin breaks apart the trance that Wonpil has become stuck in — he can’t fucking breathe. He shoves his bangs out of his face as if that’ll help him think clearer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Sungjin-ssi. I didn’t mean to scare you like that.” Wonpil says, but he doesn’t come any closer to the older. “Loud noises like that have always scared me, I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine.” Sungjin says even though nothing is fine. </span>
  <em>
    <span>How does Wonpil know that name?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Sungjin doesn’t even really know how he knows the name. He’s been having these dreams and he doesn’t remember much, but minor details. There’s Yuchan and he remembers the red hair, so much red, everywhere there was red. He remembers Yuchan in red calling out the name, calling out Donghun — he mentally shakes himself. None of it makes a lick of sense.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” Wonpil says again and Sungjin finally notices the tears slowly descending down the younger’s cheeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, don’t cry, it’s okay. I have to get home now, okay? I’ll see you in class.” Sungjin lifts himself off the ground, he doesn’t help Wonpil. He’s not sure what he’ll do if he sticks around much longer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonpil watches him leave, unable to get his legs under him and stand up. Everything is too shaky. Something is so wrong, but he can’t place it. He’s never had one of those memories so vividly before. Usually they remain nightmares that he can hardly remember once he wakes up. But this one is so vivid, it’s etched into his mind. He can taste the copper on his tongue and feel the rough material of Donghun’s shirt against his cheek. It’s all too real and he can’t stop hearing that gunshot.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X May 1983 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donghun only remembers that he and Yuchan were on their way back from the hospital, their hearts heavy. They hadn’t said a thing. There was nothing to say. Anything they might have wanted to share was better off saved for when they were with Byeongkwan. The only comfort they shared was their fingers intertwined between them and the understanding that they had each other. At least they had each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It felt like just yesterday their relationship became official. It felt like only yesterday it stopped being Donghun and Sehyoon and became the five of them. He had Yuchan to thank for that of course. Their youngest has always been the most outgoing. He’s thankful to have the redhead in his life. So much red, everywhere just red. He can’t stop seeing it. Just like their bathroom tub, stained with red from dying the youngest’s hair yet again. Everything is stained red in Donghun’s mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Byeongkwan doesn’t know what to do. Donghun has been standing in the doorway for ten minutes now just muttering Yuchan’s name over and over again and it’s scaring Byeongkwan half to death. He doesn’t understand what’s happening beside the fact that Donghun is covered in drying blood. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He and Yuchan should have been home from the hospital hours ago. Now Donghun is here and without their youngest. Something deeply unsettling uncurls in the pit of his stomach. He can’t ask about the hospital because he has to know what happened to their oldest and youngest first, but a part of Byeongkwan is telling him he doesn’t want to know. Not knowing would be so much better than ever knowing the gruesome truth that is staining Donghun’s clothes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Byeongkwan can’t stand it anymore. He pulls Donghun completely inside the apartment and closes the door behind them. He doesn’t want to ask — </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck he doesn’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>— he pulls Donghun’s jacket off and lets it drop to the floor. He tries to grab the older’s hand but he pulls away. Backs up until his back hits the door, hard and he slumps to the ground, no longer able to keep himself upright.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Byeongkwan doesn’t have to ask. As if in a trance the words spill from Donghun’s mouth. He hardly blinks as he relays the story behind his blood drenched clothes. “We were walking home. I was holding Chan’s hand. We weren’t talking. It was so quiet. We should have heard. These guys, they came out of nowhere. We didn’t hear them. One of them had a gun. He held it up to my head. They punched us and kicked us. Chan, he tried to fight back. I couldn’t do anything with the gun to my head. Chan was so brave. They kept calling us these names. I was so scared.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Byeongkwan collapses to the ground, the checkered rug hardly doing a thing to cushion his fall. His bones rattle as he hits the ground. “No,” is all he can choke out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One of them had a knife. I didn’t see it. I tried to get the gun away, but it was too late. I couldn’t do anything. I was holding him and I couldn’t get the bleeding to stop. He just kept bleeding and bleeding and bleeding. His body was so cold and I tried to keep him warm, but no one came to help us. I called for help, but no one came. I—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don—Donghun!” Byeongkwan scrambles to his side, barely able to pick himself up off the floor. “Hyung please,” he sobs, unable to breathe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I—I—” Dunghun can’t get the words out again, he can’t say them again. He can’t believe he said them at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please please please please,” Byeongkwan can’t do this. He can’t do this </span>
  <em>
    <span>again</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He can’t. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He cannot.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Donghun doesn’t say anything. His whole body aches and he’s covered in blood, but he can’t say it again. The evidence is all over him. “Where is he? Please hyung where is he, where is he, please, please!” Byeongkwan screams, every breath out of him is more painful than the last.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Donghun doesn’t say a thing. Byeongkwan heard him the first time, he wouldn’t be sobbing if he hadn't heard him and Donghun can’t say it again. He won’t. He can only say something so horrible once. The tears come freely now. The shock of it all is gone and the blood soaking into his clothes — cold and numbing — makes it that much more real. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Is this his life? Is this what he has to look forward to for the rest of his life? Does it ever get better?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span> “Hyung—” Byeongkwan hiccups into Donghun’s shoulder, having buried himself in the older. “I—I want to see him. Please can we—” Byeongkwan never gets to finish that sentence. And he never gets to see Yuchan again. He wishes so desperately that he saw the gun Donghun was hiding earlier.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X October 2016 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Wonpil and Dowoon are having a lazy weekend. Dowoon has an essay due, but he’s already started it and is feeling good about it so he and Wonpil are lounging on his bed and watching netflix on a laptop perched on Wonpil’s lap. Wonpil has been acting a little bit off, ever since he came back from his office hours yesterday. Dowoon has been trying to figure out how to ask what’s wrong for the last hour. Wonpil has been very fidgety — knocking the laptop off his thighs a few times already — and he won’t stop frowning. Dowoon is concerned his face will become stuck that way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lucky for Dowoon, he doesn’t have to ask. Wonpil closes the laptop as the credits scroll across the screen and props himself up on the bed. “I have a confession.” He starts and Dowoon gives him his full attention. “Remember when we were talking about past lives? And I had this memory of Donghun and you had this memory of Sehyoon and we thought maybe we were friends in a past life?” Dowoon just nods despite the small ache in his heart. “I think I remembered another name.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That really catches Dowoon’s attention, not that Wonpil didn’t have his undivided attention before, but now he is absolutely hanging on to every last word. “What’s the name?” He tries to prompt Wonpil along.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So here’s the thing. Donghun isn’t me and Sehyoon isn’t you, right? Those are people we knew. But I don’t think I’m Sehyoon and you’re not Donghun either. It doesn’t feel right. Donghun loved someone else, and that person died. I’m not sure but I’ve always had this fear of loud noises.” Wonpil goes on to explain, a little all over the place, but Dowoon is following along. “For as long as I can remember. My mom got me diagnosed with PTSD, but the doctors could never figure out the cause. I think—I think it’s PTSD from a gunshot in my past life.” Wonpil pauses to see if anything shakes free in Dowoon’s mind, but he just stares back blankly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” Dowoon whispers, unable to make his voice any louder than that for fear of how he might sound.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I loved Donghun, my past life did. It’s so murky, but Donghun loved someone named Yuchan, but that doesn’t feel like me…” Dowoon tunes out because his whole world is unraveling in the span of a few seconds.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonpil is wrong. He has to be wrong. That doesn’t make sense. But </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yuchan</span>
  </em>
  <span> richotets around his brain like a loose bullet poking holes into the very fabric of his being. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He died.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Dowoon grabs his side on impulse and recalls the words his sister has said to him many times. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Birthmarks are from what killed you in a past life.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wonpil,” He grabs the older’s attention. “Have you ever heard about birthmarks being from what killed you in a past life?” Wonpil nods, he’s done enough research into the myths behind past lives to certify him an expert. Maybe he should do a dissertation on them?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dowoon pulls his shirt over his head and tosses it at the foot of the bed. Wonpil tries to school his expression and not stare at the younger’s torso unwarranted. “Dowoon…” he starts but trails off as he notices that Dowoon is clutching at his side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve always had this really ugly birthmark under my ribs. My sister told me I must have been stabbed in a past life. I didn’t ever believe her, but…” Dowoon moves his hand and Wonpil is met with an ugly, blotchy, long, red scar of a birthmark staining Dowoon’s otherwise unblemished skin. It runs right under his ribs and isn’t very big, but big enough for a blade to have slashed him and embedded itself there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yuchan was stabbed.” Is all Wonpil can string together. He can’t tear his eyes away from the birthmark. Almost like an automatic response he reaches up to his own hair line and feels around for the birthmark that he knows is scarring his temple. If the memories and dreams he’s been having are true then maybe his past life is Donghun and maybe he shot himself after Yuchan was stabbed, but something about that doesn’t sit right with Wonpil. He can’t think about it too long because the pain in his chest becomes unbearable and Dowoon lets out a choked sob drawing his attention back to his friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wh—what happened to us?” Is all Dowoon can muster, tears freely falling down his face now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonpil doesn’t know the answer to that. He doesn't know how Sehyoon fits in with all this. The holes in his memory are too vast. He clutches at his hair, knowing he’s shielding the birthmark and just hopes that something will shake free. A new memory so that all this can start making sense. He’s building a puzzle with only half the pieces. It’s maddening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dowoon curls into himself, crying harder as revelation after revelation washes over him. He remembers the fear that night. Holding onto Donghun as a group of men jumped them. He feels the kick to his chest like an old wound that will never heal. The gun aimed at Donghun stops him cold in his tracks. He’s distracted enough for a knife to embed itself in his abdomen. He cries out for Donghun but everything goes hazy around the edges. The memory slips from him as he feels like he’s falling endlessly into a black pit. What comes next? He can’t remember and the cold icy realization hits him. It’s because nothing comes next. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He died.</span>
  </em>
  <span>Wonpil curls around Dowoon, protecting his shivering body and hoping that he’ll wake up soon. He’s scared. He doesn’t know what any of this means. But he can tell from his reaction that Dowoon has had a new memory. He is maybe in the midst of a new one right now? He doesn’t know but he can’t get the tears to stop. He just lays there curled around Dowoon feeling too weak to do much else. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What happened to them? Who is he?</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This is actually the end of what I originally planned for part one!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Even if You Always Hesitate</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm very excited for the way this story is coming together! I'm considering adding chapter titles tbh.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>X January 1983 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dongdong!” Junhee calls maybe a little too loud — Byeongkwan narrows his eyes at the older. “Sorry, baby.” he whispers, mindful that Byeongkwan’s ear is right next to his mouth in their current position.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sehyoon huffs out a laugh and rolls over to wrap his arms around Junhee, sandwiching Byeongkwan in between them. Byeongkwan groans in response at getting his face squished against the older boy’s chest. Junhee scooches in right up against the younger boy, enjoying the physical contact. Sometimes he thinks he might be a little too touch starved.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Donghun walks into the bedroom, hands still wet from cleaning dishes. “You called?” he leans against the door jam, amused at the cuddle pile happening on his bed without him. Sehyoon is the best cuddler, so he really can’t blame them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you guys done yet?” Junhee pouts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean, I’m cleaning your dishes?” he pouts back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hurry up then.” Byeongkwan mumbles from in between the older boys.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Donghun grunts before walking away. “Believe me, I’d rather be cuddling then cleaning.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few minutes later Yuchan comes skipping into the room. He surveys the bed before pushing his way in between Junhee and Byeongkwan. Sehyoon rolls back, taking Byeongkwan with him and giving their youngest enough room. His back pressed against Byeongkwan’s, he’s facing Junhee dead on — he’s not breathing. Junhee never fails to steal his breath away. His long black strands hang loosely in his eyes, Yuchan’s fingers twitch to brush them back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Comfortable?” Junhee murmurs, wrapping his arms around the youngest until they’re chest to chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yep,” he smiles, completely content in his boyfriend’s arms. He’s almost a little too ecstatic that he gets to now call Junhee his boyfriend. Honestly he’s had the most embarrassing crush on the older boy for years. He’d been kind of referring to all of them as his boyfriends for a few years now, it feels like forever. But now he gets to say it out loud and it’s absolutely true. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Donghun comes in a few minutes later, hands dry now, maybe a little pruned from being under a constant spray of water. He pulls his slightly damp t-shirt over his head, gathering the attention of all four of his boyfriends. He rummages around his dresser, turning his back to the bed. Junhee lets out a soft groan, wrapping his arms around Yuchan’s waist just a little tighter. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s not fair.</span>
  </em>
  <span> The eldest is taunting him. That much he knows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop teasing.” Sehyoon lifts a pillow from behind his head and chucks it the older. What can he say, Byeongkwan is rubbing off on him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Byeongkwan lets out a snort as the pillow hits the back of Donghun’s head. He turns around with an unamused look pinching at his face. He pulls a bright red t-shirt over his head before picking up the pillow. “Real mature.” he rolls his eyes, crawling up the bed to settle in behind Sehyoon. He puts the pillow under their heads.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m exhausted,” Yuchan announces, kind of shouting in Junhee’s face, but the older boy doesn't mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well birthday boy, do you want to go to bed?” Junhee teases, pinching Yuchan’s side and getting a squeal out of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nooooo,” he whines. “I don’t want this day to end.” There is a collective humming between the five of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This bed isn’t big enough.” Donghun mumbles and he tries to scoot away from the edge, but he’s pressed right up against Sehyoon’s back. “Babe, I’m slipping.” he pouts, holding onto Sehyoon’s shoulders.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t magically make it bigger.” Sehyoon replies, scooting closer to Byeongkwan, but they’re already pressed together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re gonna have to cause I’m sleeping here.” Yuchan announces.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too!” Byeongkwan says excitedly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well then I’m not leaving either.” Junhee huffs, burying his face into Yuchan’s shoulder, getting the younger to squeal in response.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That tickles,” he whines as Junhee presses soft kisses into his shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This isn’t going to work.” Sehyoon can’t see Donghun’s face, but he can practically hear the pout on his lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can fix that.” Byeongkwan rolls Sehyoon onto his back with little effort, only kind of knocking into Donghun. He climbs on top of the blond boy, finding purchase on his abdomen. “I can just sleep on hyung.” Byeongkwan says, very proud while looking down at the older boy’s unamused face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Works for me.” Yuchan scoots closer and brings Junhee with him so that he is no longer leaning over the edge of the bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sehyoon pulls Byeongkwan down to lay across his chest. They’re a breath apart and Sehyoon can’t resist himself. He’s wanted to kiss the younger for a long time. A really long time. It finally feels okay to do so. It’s soft, gentle. Byeongkwan’s lips are a little dry, but feel so good against his own. He presses a little deeper, runs his tongue across the younger’s bottom lip. Byeongkwan goes willingly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck,” Junhee breathes, clutching just a little tighter at Yuchan’s hip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Byeongkwan pushes back at Sehyoon, doesn’t let him take control of this kiss. It’s heating up more than either expected. His tongue dives into the older’s mouth, fighting for some semblance of control. Sehyoon chuckles into the kiss, pulling a smile from the younger boy. He pulls back, breathing heavily and feeling completely on cloud nine. Three words are hanging on the tip of his tongue. He’s not sure if it’s appropriate to say them yet, at least in this context. He bites back the words and cuddles into Sehyoon’s chest. Donghun wraps an arm around the both of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was hot,” Yuchan says, now turned towards the others, back pressed against Junhee.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They let out a laugh. They could get used to this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X October 2016 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s almost too windy for Wonpil to be sitting outside, but after everything he’s been through he is determined to enjoy the sun before it's really too cold to sit outside. Wonpil likes to think of himself as a positive person. He likes to look on the bright side, he believes things will get better. He believes in beautiful things like soulmates. That after every cold unforgiving winter there is spring that brings new flowers. But as the chill in the air settles around him, his positivity starts to wane. It’s running out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dowoon’s words play on repeat — a never ending loop — in his mind. Their stories match up. They completely match up, detail to detail. Wonpil is sure of three things. First, Yuchan is Dowoon’s past life, neither he nor Dowoon can deny that. Second, they can’t deny that he was murdered either — by who? Well, that’s unclear, but he doesn’t even think Yuchan could answer that. Third, his past life is connected to Dowoon’s. He’s not sure how, but it’s undeniable that they knew each other. And knew each other well, they were at least friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonpil didn’t want to leave Dowoon alone this morning. All weekend he didn’t say much. Wonpil didn’t feel good about leaving the younger boy alone just to attend classes. It was only Dowoon’s instance on wanting to be alone that practically pushed him out the door this morning. Now he’s biding his time until he has to go back. He wants to make sure he gives him enough room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A soft whistling through the breeze catches his attention and he looks up to find Jaehyung strolling through the courtyard not so far away under the color changing trees. He doesn't know what possesses him. Something kind of tugs at his heart at the sight of the older with his blond locks and lazy stroll. He’s a little shocked to see Jaehyung by himself. He’s always surrounded by people — usually one of them being Younghyun — so to find him strolling about alone practically pushed Wonpil off the stone bench. When will he get another opportunity?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He has no plan — his head is empty — but just seeing the blond with his dark roots and not a care in the world pulls something sharp at his heart and he’s approaching the senior before he knows it. He doesn’t know what he’s going to say. Probably some variation of a greeting. Maybe he’ll ask about the weather? How awkward can it get honestly?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi,” he starts, catching the older’s attention.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Jaehyung startles a little but recognition flashes in his eyes. “Hey man,”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something about his greeting strikes Wonpil as odd, like that’s not the way they should be talking to each other. He shakes it off. “Uh, sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt your walk, just thought I’d say hi.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>What is he doing?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“No problem, you wanna walk with me?” Jaehyung offers the younger. Wonpil finds himself nodding, a stroll sounds nice after everything. “So where’s your friend?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonpil looks up at the older, a little confused, as they walk. </span>
  <em>
    <span>His friend?</span>
  </em>
  <span> “You mean Dowoon?” Jaehyung nods and suddenly a small spark of pain blooms in his chest that feels all too familiar. “Uh, back at the dorm. He’s not feeling well.” he shares.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jaehyung’s face immediately drops, a frown taking the place of a peaceful smile. “Is he okay?” His worry takes Wonpil by surprise. As far he knows, they’ve met that one time and it was very brief. Maybe Jaehyung is just that nice of a guy?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, he’s just kind of upset, some personal stuff.” Wonpil pauses and then asks, “Are you guys friends?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm, I guess not. If there’s anything I can do let me know.” Jaehyung says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The small spark of pain in his chest sends his heart to the bottom of his gut. A sinking feeling of dread practically takes him over. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What if?</span>
  </em>
  <span> He’s not sure if he should ask. He could be wrong, very wrong for all he knows. But something is just not adding up in his mind. His reaction to Sungjin was so intense and still is everytime he sees the older boy, but Sungjin loves Younghyun and Younghyun loves Jaehyung. Is it possible Jaehyung loves someone else? Could it be Dowoon? Could they be stuck in an ever expanding love triangle? Part of Wonpil does not want to find out. Another part of him needs to know. And he needs to know now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you like Dowoon?” He can’t believe the words out of his mouth but it's far too late to scoop them back in. He could smack himself honestly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, he seems nice.” Jaehyung chuckles nervously, a little fidgety Wonpil notices.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, as in, romantically?” Wonpil prods further, at this point he just needs to know. Pieces are starting to fall into place in his mind. He needs to see the whole picture.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I—I don’t know. I mean maybe, it’s hard to explain.” Jaehyung tries to clarify.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It doesn't ease Wonpil’s suspicions. Instead he asks, “Where’s Younghyun-ssi?” diverting the older boy’s attention.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, I don’t know, probably sleeping somewhere inappropriate.” Wonpil can’t tell if the older is being sarcastic or not, but he chuckles anyways.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How did you guys become friends?” he finds himself asking, oddly curious about the pair. He wants to delve deeper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyun-ah is a chatterbox when he wants to be. We got talking a few years ago and just have been close ever since. We bonded over having the same birthmark, actually.” he divulges. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonpil malfunctions for half a second — that can’t be a coincidence — before regaining his step and falling inline with the older again. “What birthmark?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We both have this weird discoloration on our chests. We were born with it. It was kind of weird finding someone with the same birthmark so we became friends pretty quickly.” Jaehyung shrugs, but Wonpil is already falling behind, his brain running a mile a minute. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pieces he didn’t know where missing start to fall into place. He needs to talk to Dowoon again. The question plaguing his mind is an uncomfortable one. If Dowoon answers with ‘yes’ Wonpil doesn’t know what he’ll do. Probably sit down and cry, again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jaehyung notices Wonpil as no longer walking beside him, he turns to see Wonpil frozen under the falling leaves. It’s quite the picture. Sunlight glows around the young boy as a backdrop, all around him red and yellow leaves fall slowly to the ground, Jaehyung wishes he could capture the moment. He’s about to ask if he can take a photo, but Wonpil tells him he has to go and rushes off in the opposite direction. Jaehyung tries to pat down the disappointment and continues on with his walk, a little more bummed than before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X September 1981 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Byeongkwan is practically vibrating out of his skin. He can’t get ready fast enough. He’s not even sure he slept last night. He doesn’t remember falling asleep, too excited that it was finally The Day. His head hit the pillow and next thing he knew he was springing out of bed and practically sprinting to the showers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tried to pick his outfit out carefully, but he’s honestly too distracted by his racing thoughts. It’s not like it’s been months or a year since he’s seen his friends. He sees Yuchan every day, per request. However, Yuchan hasn’t seen the older members of their friend group in about a year and the thought of all five of them being together again makes him beyond giddy. Not to mention, he has no idea the last time Junhee has met up with anyone what with his internship.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His first meeting with Donghun, right after he ran into Sehyoon — literally — involved lots of tears and mild threatening from Byeongkwan. He didn’t take kindly to being abandoned by his friends, even if he understood why. Donghun apologized for his negligence and honestly, who is Byeongkwan not to forgive them. Now the five of them get to meet up and have a day together. He couldn’t be happier. So happy his roommate told him to lay off the coffee. Byeongkwan didn’t have the heart to tell him he hasn’t had any coffee this morning. He’s just this excited.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Byeongkwan races out the door, almost forgetting his windbreaker. He power walks down the sidewalk, weaving around people and dodging cars as he crosses the street. He’s at their predetermined meeting spot in about ten minutes. It’s just a couple of stone benches canopied by trees that are beginning to lose their leaves. It’s one of Byeongkwan’s favorite places on campus — so far anyway. He’s taken Yuchan here quite a few times.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A heavy weight lands hard on his back, taking him by surprise, but the light giggle by his ear lets him know immediately that it’s Yuchan. “You’re too heavy.” Byeongkwan grunts, trying to hold up the younger boy’s full weight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aw, Kwannie.” Yuchan whines, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy’s neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Channie,” Byeongkwan mimics back. “You’re like a foot taller, get off before you crush me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuchan huffs, a little annoyed, but let’s go anyway, landing back on his feet. “You’re not that short.” he rolls his eyes. In all honesty Byeongkwan is taller than a lot of the male students, he just happens to be the short one in their friend group. It’s cute either way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sit down on one of the stone benches, a little cold to the touch, but they huddle together and share their warmth. Yuchan presses a quick peck to Byeongkwan’s rosy cheek. He glances around, making sure no one is paying attention to them. There really isn’t anyone around. Byeongkwan’s cheeks warm just a tad bit more at the action. He smiles softly at the ground, a little too shy to meet Yuchan’s eyes at the moments.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Junhee arrives soon after. He awkwardly stands before them, shifting from one foot to the other, but he doesn’t approach them any further. Yuchan rolls his eyes again — he might end up doing that a lot today — and stands up, only to hurl himself into Junhee’s arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Junhee catches the red head easily, only staggering a little as he wraps his arms around him. Byeongkwan smiles softly at them. Getting up to join in the hug too, he wraps his arms around Yuchan’s back. Junhee lets out a breath of relief. He can’t say he wasn’t nervous coming to meet all of them today.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you guys.” he whispers, relieved that things still feel like they used to. Back when he was a senior in high school and spent all of his time with the two lower classmen. It might have seemed strange to their peers that a popular senior hung out with a first year and a sophomore, but everything came so naturally. It's a relief that hasn’t changed and he can just melt into the younger boy’s embrace.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are we interrupting something?” Donghun’s voice drifts into their ears and they break apart to find that both Sehyoon and Donghun have joined them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dongdong!” Junhee shouts before plowing into the dark haired boy’s arms. Sehyoon rolls his eyes before greeting Yuchan and Byeongkwan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuchan is shy at first, he’s never been as close with the two oldest of their friend group. But he eventually goes in for a hug, resting his chin on Sehyoon’s shoulder. He’s reminded how squishy and cuddly Sehyoon is almost immediately. Byeongkwan cannot take the thought of being left out of a hug so he squirms his way in between Sehyoon and Yuchan. He fits easily in between them, no questions asked, it quickly turns into a group hug. They give Donghun and Junhee their space.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Junhee pulls away, a few tears linger at the edge of his eyes, unwilling to actually drop. He blinks them away and gives Donghun a rather big smile instead. “Okay guys!” Junhee calls all their attention. “What do we want to do?” they are here to hang out after all, not cry and hug.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The five of them look around and at each other and then look off again. No one actually made any plans. Byeongkwan knows for sure he didn’t bring any money with him either. They’ll figure something out though.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X October 2016 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Wonpil is pausing at his dorm door, hand hovering over the knob. He can hear chatter down the hall and the faint buzzing of the showers. He’s still not thrilled to be living so close to the communal bathroom. That’s not what matters now. He doesn't even know if Dowoon is still in their room. With a heavy sigh he pushes open the door and walks into their cramped, but cozy dorm. It’s only been two months, but they’ve managed to turn this slate grey cinder block box into a home. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He’s nervous.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” he says tentatively, closing the door behind him as softly as possible. Dowoon has a sunflower yellow blanket around his shoulders. He hardly registers that Wonpil has entered the room, let alone greets him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonpil doesn’t really know how to approach the subject. He didn’t exactly think through what he wanted to say as he practically sprinted back here. He doesn’t know if he wants to flesh out his whole theory or if he just wants only the missing puzzle pieces Dowoon can offer him. Either way he takes a seat on the edge of Dowoon’s twin bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just ran into Jaehyung-ssi.” He’s not sure where he’s going with this. “He was worried about you not feeling well.” That seems to grab Dowoon’s attention, who looks at Wonpil for the first time since he entered the room. “I know it’s a lot right now, but I have a theory I want to tell you.” Dowoon’s eyes are a little watery and vacant, but he nods all the same.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We believe in past lives and reincarnation, right?” Dowoon slowly nods. He’s got memories that aren’t his to prove it. “I also believe in soulmates. I always have.” Dowoon doesn't appear too shocked by that revelation so Wonpil goes on. “I thought Sungjin was my soulmate.” Dowoon flinches at the mere mention of it and for the first time Wonpil notices, which sets unease loose in his chest. “Time stopped when I first saw him. My life suddenly felt complete, you know?” Dowoon slowly nods, he does know the feeling. Feels it every time Wonpil looks at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When I found out Sungjin also believes in soulmates I was over the moon. And then he told me he thinks Younghyun-ssi is his soulmate.” Dowoon always wondered how Sungjin broke Wonpil’s heart. “I got talking with Younghyun-ssi the other day and essentially he thinks that Jaehyung-ssi is his soulmate.” Dowoon is doing his best to process all this new information in his already crammed and messy mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I just talked with Jaehyung-ssi. Do you see where this is going?” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Shit</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Dowoon does. His heart drops, because he just knows what Wonpil is going to say next. “From what I gathered, if Jaehyung-ssi believes in soulmates, he would believe that you’re his.” a soft painful gasp is punched out of Dowoon. </span>
  <em>
    <span>How is he supposed to react?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, I guess I’m asking, if you also believe in soulmates?” all Dowoon can do is nod. He doesn't think he’d be able to speak even if he could form a sensible thought. “Then I guess, who is your soulmate?” Saying it out loud almost makes it seem ludicrous to Wonpil, but he knows he’s on the right track. This isn’t a coincidence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dowoon doesn’t want to say. He’s never expressed these feelings to anyone. Certainly not Wonpil. And yet his mouth opens anyway and words come tumbling out. “I always believed in soulmates too. It’s al—always been a feeling. Li—like I just wasn’t complete. As I remember more and more of my past life things get more confusing, but also clearer.” Dowoon shrugs the yellow blanket off and sits up straight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can actually remember?” Wonpil asks. His brain is far too muddled. He cannot keep anything from his past life straight in any sort of timeline.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I remember bits and pieces. But I do remember loving you.” he almost can’t believe the words out of his mouth, but the look on Wonpil’s face tells him he already had his suspicions. “You’re my soulmate.” he finally says aloud what Wonpil had already been fearing. “I know that we loved each other in a past life.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonpil holds onto that last bit. His mind is firing off in every which direction, but he holds on to that information. He’s trying to connect the dots, but things still don’t make sense. “You know who my past life is?” he manages to put together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dowoon nods, “I’m almost positive your name was Byeongkwan in a past life. Byeongkwan who tied all five of us together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You really tie us together, you know that Kwannie.” Junhee wraps his arms around the younger boy. “It’s the five of us because of you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonpil sucks in a shuddering breath. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Byeongkwan Byeongkwan Byeongkwan</span>
  </em>
  <span>, ricochets around his brain. It shakes a memory loose that has him gasping for air.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Byeongkwan,” Yuchan whines. “Don’t go.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Go where? He’s not the one that went anywhere. It was them, it was everyone else that went somewhere. Wonpil can’t breathe. The room is closing in on him. The slate grey walls are shrinking, the ceiling is pressing him into the floor, he cannot breathe.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m not.” Byeongkwan smiles back, eyes shining.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I have to though.” Junhee says, getting up from the pushed together twin beds. Yuchan whines playfully.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t go.” Byeongkwan echoes Yuchan’s early words.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You know hyung is waiting for me.” Junhee does look apologetic still.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t leave!” Wonpil chokes out. He can’t go, he can’t leave. Wonpil doesn’t know why but dread is consuming him. He’s going to be sick.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dowoon tries his best to comfort Wonpil, but he can tell the older is far away at the moment. All he can do is hope that he’ll come back soon. The memory Wonpil is having seems to be a particularly painful one, it makes Dowoon ache with the knowledge that Wonpil is suffering through it again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’ll be okay.” he whispers, pulling Wonpil’s trembling body into his arms. “We’ll figure this out.” Dowoon doesn’t know if that’s true. But the puzzle pieces are starting to come together. He can almost see the whole picture. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonpil is weeping in his arms, begging someone not to go. Dowoon isn’t going anywhere. They’ll figure this out. They have to.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comments and kudos are very appreciated!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Know it's Cause of Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry I didn't post last week. The US election was a little bit too much for me.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>X May 1983 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Junhee’s skin is warm and soft against his own. The older boy is flushed all the way to his chest. Byeongkwan reaches out for Yuchan, not wanting the youngest to feel left out. Yuchan takes his hand, interlacing their fingers. Byeongkwan feels warm all over, a little floaty, like he’s drunk on their love. He could get used to this feeling, maybe he already is.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Junhee leans down again, connecting their lips once more. Yuchan lets out a soft gasp from beside them. Byeongkwan can hardly keep the moan bubbling in his throat silent. Junhee’s hand is in his hair, tugging softly at the strands and overwhelming him with pleasure. Their lips sliding together, Junhee teasing his bottom lip with his teeth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Junhee pulls back, slightly panting, “You okay?” he asks, bringing his hand down to cup his face so that Byeongkwan can’t look away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Byeongkwan nods, rocking his head up and down as if he’s not really sure how it’s connected to his neck. Junhee snickers, but Byeongkwan doesn’t mind. He’s enjoying being caged in like this under the older boy. His tongue is heavy in his mouth so he’s not sure he can articulate how he’s feeling, but everything feels good, so he doesn’t mind. Yuchan tightens his hold and scoots in closer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re so cute Kwannie.” Yuchan chuckles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Junhee nods before rolling off of Byeongkwan. They bracket the dirty blond on either side. Junhee wraps his arms around the younger boy, pulling him into his chest. The only thing that would make this better is if Donghun and Sehyoon were here with them. They’ve been busy though with post-graduation stuff. Sehyoon will be here soon, Junhee realizes. He doesn’t want to get up and leave their youngest boyfriends, but he also wants Sehyoon’s help.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Byeongkwan rolls over into Junhee’s chest, a little cold without his shirt. He pulls Yuchan with him, who’s hand is still tightly held in his own. Byeongkwan is content in between his boyfriends. If he could hold onto this moment forever, he would. He’d never let them go.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Junhee strokes his fingers through the dirty blond’s hair. “You really tie us together, you know that Kwannie.” Junhee wraps his arms around the younger boy tighter. “It’s the five of us because of you.” he’s feeling overwhelmingly sentimental at the moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Byeongkwan,” Yuchan whines from behind him. “Don’t go.” he squeezes around the older boy, Junhee’s arms now pressing into his stomach. The discomfort is worth it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not.” Byeongkwan smiles back — turning his head as much as he can — eyes shining.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have to though.” Junhee says, getting up from the pushed together twin beds. Yuchan whines playfully at that. His eyes rake up and down Junhee’s naked torso. He’s never going to be tired of seeing his lovers like this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t go.” Byeongkwan echoes Yuchan’s early words, reaching out for the older boy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know hyung is waiting for me.” Junhee does look apologetic still.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine, but come back soon.” Yuchan nods in agreement. Sehyoon offered to take Junhee out to buy clothes for a job interview. The rest of them weren’t invited because of their distracting nature. Neither he nor Yuchan can disagree or refute that statement. So they’re going shopping by themselves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Junhee pulls his shirt back over his head and waves goodbye to his younger boyfriends who don’t seem to be getting up from the bed anytime soon. They must have been laying there for only a few hours, two at the most. Yuchan is napping softly and Byeongkwan is playing with his faded red hair. A frantic banging at their dorm door stirs Yuchan awake. Tentatively Byeongkwan approaches the door. Something is wrong, his heart is thundering in his ears. He opens the door to find a sweaty and out of breath Donghun on the other side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Byeongkwan can say a thing Donghun rushes out, “Sehyoon and Junhee were in an accident, we need to get to the hospital now.” Yuchan is flying out of bed as if it’s on fire. They shove on their shoves and rush to follow Donghun without grabbing much else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Byeongkwan’s heart is in his stomach. This can’t be happening. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It just can’t.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Donghun flags down a taxi. He hasn’t said anything else and Byeongkwan can tell by his red rimmed eyes he’s been crying. They pile into the taxi, Yuchan clinging to Byeongkwan’s arm. No one says anything besides telling the cab driver where to go. The air is eerily silent and hangs with a thick fog between them. There are no words to describe what is happening in their minds. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sehyoon and Junhee’s families are already there. Sehyoon’s younger sister is crying and Byeongkwan feels the tug of his heart to go comfort her, but he needs to know first. The three of them approach one of Junhee’s older sisters. Her eyes are glassy and unfocused. She just shakes her head. Byeongkwan doesn’t think it is possible to feel so broken, but in this moment his world is falling all around him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuchan gasps and tears start rolling down his cheeks. Byeongkwan reaches for his hands, but he can’t offer any kind of comfort. His whole world is crashing around him and the only thing keeping him from crumbling is Yuchan’s hand in his own. It’s not enough. Donghun takes the initiative, clearing his throat and approaching Sehyoon’s father, who he has met on a few occasions even though they’ve never revealed their relationship to their parents.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Donghun whispers softly with Sehyoon’s father, his face falling with each word that leaves his mouth. He comes back to them, posture completely defeated. “They’re both in comas. They’re not breathing on their own.” he whispers, as if he can’t get his voice any louder. “Doctor doesn’t know if they’ll wake up. A drunk driver hit them. The driver is fine, but…” Donghun doesn’t finish, he can’t. The tears start to come and suddenly he’s unable to support himself any longer. Byeongkwan and Yuchan rush to his side right there in the middle of the waiting room.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This can’t be real.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X October 2016 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Wonpil comes back slowly. His whole body aches like a kick to the chest. The memory he just had runs rampant in his mind. His lips still tingle as if he can feel Junhee right here. As if he can feel the ghost of Yuchan’s touch on his skin. That’s when he realizes Dowoon’s arms are around him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck, what just happened?</span>
  </em>
  <span> If Wonpil had to guess, he’d say he just had a panic attack. Do memories from a past life usually co-occur with those? His cheeks feel damp and his eyes sting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Things make sense now, at least enough that Wonpil thinks he understands the greater picture. He turns to Dowoon who is studying him, unsure about what to say. “I think I know what happened to us. I can’t remember all the details, but I think I get it.” Dowoon listens with rapt attention as Wonpil unfolds their story.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonpil explains that the relationship between Byeongkwan, Yuchan, Donghun, Sehyoon, and Junhee — a new name for Dowoon, but feels right nonetheless — wasn’t a conventional one. The five of them loved each other equally. However, a car accident took Junhee and Sehyoon from them. Dowoon’s heart drops at that. He can picture the waiting room where they shed so many tears. Wonpil explains that a night that Yuchan and Donghun were walking home from the hospital must have been when they got jumped. Wonpil doesn’t have to explain the rest, Dowoon knows what happens from there. What happens to him and how Donghun deals with it. There’s only one thing left.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happens to Byeongkwan?” Dowoon isn’t sure he wants to know, but on the other hand he needs to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sure.” Wonpil sighs defeated. “I think I died too, but I…” he reaches for the scar on his temple. Maybe he does know, maybe he just doesn't want to say it because if he does then it's true. Then it's out there for the world and he can’t take that back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We loved each other? All five of us?” Dowoon is trying to wrap his mind around that. He knew that Yuchan loved Byeongkwan and supposedly Donghun loved Yuchan, but to find out that it’s so much more complicated. Or well, maybe it’s not. It’s not a love triangle, or pentagon in their case. What’s complicated about reciprocated love? “But who’s Junhee?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So that’s where Sungjin, Younghyun, and Jaehyung come in. I think they’re the other reincarnations. I mean it would make sense since the five of us seem to be in this love pentagon. And also Sungjin and I had this weird interaction last week.” He goes on to tell Dowoon about the time he mentioned Donghun’s name to Sungjin after he had just had a memory of Donghun dying. He explains how freaked out Sungjin was. It makes sense to Dowoon the way that Wonpil explains it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So then who's who if you’re Byeongkwan and I’m Yuchan?” Wonpil doesn’t know the answer to that, not for sure anyway. He has guesses of course, but it’s all speculation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t be sure. I don’t remember enough and I honestly haven’t talked to Younghyun or Jaehyung enough.” Wonpil can’t help but to feel discouraged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think the five of us need to meet.” Dowoon says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean? Why?” Wonpil is confused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, you and I are having all these memories, maybe so are they. They might know stuff we don’t. Maybe we can piece this all together and whatever it all means if we sit down and put our heads together. I mean, if the five of us loved each other in a past life, then why are we only having a reaction to one person? Why don’t you feel the same way about me and I about Jaehyung? It doesn’t make any sense.” Dowoon brings up a lot of good points that Wonpil cannot deny. Some answers would be nice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So how do we do this?” Wonpil asks. “I haven’t seen Sungjin since the incident last week. It might be weird to suddenly drop this on him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have a feeling it won’t be a shock to any of them. We’ve known each other for two months and have gotten this far, those three have known each other for like two years now, right? They can’t be clueless.” Again, Dowoon makes some good points. He’s glad to not be doing this alone, that he has the younger to rely on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, then I’m going to email Sungjin and see if I can get a hold of Jaehyung and Younghyun’s numbers. I think we should meet as soon as possible?” Dowoon nods in response to Wonpil’s hesitant statement.Wonpil smiles briefly, wiping at his sticky face from the dried tears. He pulls out his phone to type out a quick email to Sungjin. He makes it seem urgent that the five of them need to meet. For all intents and purposes it is urgent.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sungjin replies a couple minutes later, Wonpil loves how timely the older boy is. Sungjin — surprisingly cooperative — says he’ll set up a meeting time and place for the five of them. That was simpler than he thought. Now he and Dowoon need to figure out how they’re going to explain their revelations.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <strong>X November 1981 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s starting to grow dark outside and Byeongkwan is only just getting home. The cold air bites at his skin and makes him wish he dressed warmer. But he doesn’t regret staying out so late. Spending the entire day with his friends, besides class time, was exhausting and yet so worth it. He doesn’t have anytime to start his essay, but that can wait. He’s going to treasure every minute he gets with his friends. He’s been waiting too long for the five of them to actually hang out and the few times that they can each month are not going to go to waste. Screw his essay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His dorm is dark. His roommate is apparently not back yet either. He shrugs off his coat and kicks off his shoes. He grabs some tape from his desk and skids to a stop in front of the mirror on his side of the room. He presses his photo against the mirror and quickly tapes it down. He steps back to admire the glossy photo.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His heart skips a beat as he studies Sehyoon — who is looking down at him instead of the camera— and Junhee — who is smiling at Yuchan instead of the camera. He lets out a chuckle, still amused that only he and Donghun are actually posing for the camera. Yuchan looks so adorable as he concentrates on aiming the camera. He loves this photo more than any of his other possessions. He kind of wants to give himself a pat on the back for having the idea in the first place. Five red threads connect them and hold them to each other. His heart stutters at the thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They might not be together. They might never be together the way that Byeongkwan wants. But what they do have is perfect and real. He knows that his feelings are reciprocated and that is honestly enough. Yes, he wishes that the five of them could be more. That he could share his affections the same way he does with Yuchan. The same way Sehyoon and Donghun do with each other. But despite not being able to physically manifest their affections he knows that their love is real. It’s the way they treat each other. The inside jokes only they have the privilege of knowing. In every simple action he feels their love. That’s enough. It has to be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe in the next life they can have more. The whole point of the red threads is to tie them together so that in each life they find each other. Maybe in the future the world will be better without prejudice and the five of them can be together and open about it. Either way Byeongkwan has made it possible for a better future. They’ll find each other again. One lifetime will never be enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He collapses face first onto his bed. He really should go shower and get properly ready for bed. Junhee would scold him if he were here. He can practically see Junhee’s disapproving frown and the pinched look of disgust on his face. It makes Byeongkwan snicker as the memory of his older friend plays in his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He heaves himself off the bed, feeling bone tired, but unwilling to crawl into bed without taking a shower. As he’s gathering his towel and a clean set of pajamas he notices a sparkling light out of the corner of his eyes. He catches sight of the shooting star and immediately rushes to the singular window in his dorm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please,” he says, peering out the window and tracing the wishing star's path with his eyes. “I want to be with them forever. Don’t separate us, please?” he begs the wishing start to grant him what he yearns for most. “They're my soulmates, I just know it.” he tells the star as it fades from his sight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can’t with confidence say he’s always believed in soulmates. Byeongkwan is a skeptic at heart. But loving his four friends more than anything for a few years now has proven it to him. The photo he tapped to his mirror is proof enough. Those four boys are his soulmates. They complete him in ways he never imagined. He didn’t know he was incomplete until he met them. Perhaps incomplete isn’t the right word. They fit so effortlessly into his life that it feels there was always a spot in his heart for each one of them. In a sense they complete him in a way that makes him feel as if he always had been whole. He prays that the wishing star heard him and won’t let him be separated from his soulmates.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The red thread of fate that Byeongkwan tied so carefully around his friend’s fingers tightens. Although invisible to their eyes, Byeongkwan has tied their fates together. Their souls now tethered, destinies intertwined, and eternities to spend together. In each lifetime they’re destined to find each other.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comments and kudos are very appreciated! I'm pretty excited for the next chapter no lie.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. There is lots of Days Far Away</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is heavy on the angst, but we've hit the climax. It'll start getting a little more fluffy from here on out. Sorry in advance if this chapter is confusing. I do wonder if anyone has guessed who is everyones past life?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>X November 2016 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Wonpil is as nervous as to be expected. But Dowoon is by his side so maybe it’ll be okay. They’re not positive how they’re going to explain everything. They’ve thought about it for hours, over the week they’ve had to prepare for this meet up between the five of them. Wonpil suggested starting with their past lives. Saying their names have seemed to trigger memories so that’s where they’re going to start. Dowoon isn’t sure about giving anyone a possible panic attack, but he doesn’t know where to start either.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The air is frigid as November takes the place of October. Their meet up place is outside, Sungjin chose it. Barren trees shield a couple of stone benches. The location makes his heart ache and he’s not really sure why, but seeing it is so picturesque. He can see why Sungjin chose this place. He imagines it’d be even more beautiful with the trees in bloom. But for some reason the look over barren trees branches draped over frost covered stone benches feels so right.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dowoon and Wonpil approach the three other boys who have already taken a seat on the stone benches. Barley any feet apart when their eyes meet. Younghyun and Jaehyung look up at the same time, Sungjin follows suit. The five of them hold their breaths as if it's been stolen from them. Wonpil drops to his knees as his mind races with the impact of a freight train. Dowoon chokes out a gasp, followed by strangled noises coming from one of the boys sitting on the bench. All at once everything slams into Wonpil. Memory after memory becomes clearer and clearer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If Wonpil could describe it — and he’s not sure he can describe such an overwhelming feeling — he’d say it feels like a bomb going off in his head. He can see everything and feel every emotion. The red threads tied around their fingers, sitting on the bleachers in the school gymnasium, the wishing star outside his dorm room window, the birthday cake with the wacky candles, the gun. </span>
  <em>
    <span>The fucking gun.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Every last detail slams into him and takes him to his knees. Late nights cuddled between warm bodies. Sunny afternoons laying on the grass. Evenings washing dishes. Mornings cooking rice for their lunches. Late night walks under the stars.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yuchan-ah?” A broken whisper comes from Sungjin — the first one to actually say something — he lifts himself off the bench, barely able to stumble over to Dowoon on his shaky legs but something propels him forward. The first thing Dowoon notices is the tears rushing down Sungjin’s face. This is the first time he’s actually meeting Sungjin face to face after hearing Wonpil go on and on about the upperclassmen. It takes him less than a second to realize who is actually approaching him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On impulse he throws himself at the older boy, unable to contain the overwhelming emotions coursing through him at lightning speed. The last memory he has before everything goes black races behind his eyes. “Do—Donghun,” Sungjin catches him easily, crying harder as he wraps his arms around the younger boy and buries his face into Dowoon’s hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re okay, you’re okay,” Sungjin whispers, clutching Dowoon’s slimmer body to him. “You’re okay now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonpil wants to cry. He can feel it bubbling up in his throat. His head is practically pounding. However, in the end he feels numb as he watches Dowoon and Sungjin cry into each other's arms. He’s watching Yuchan and Donghun reunite right before his eyes when their parting in a past life had been so tragic and unforgiving, but all he can feel is the aching numbness of being alone. He drags his eyes up to Jaehyung and Younghyun, it’s like the breath in him is punched out of his lungs. They both look so overwhelmed and confused. Wonpil can’t fault them for that. He’s the only one with a full picture here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Truth be told he wants nothing more than to run straight into their arms. The part of him that feels like Byeongkwan craves to have Junhee and Sehyoon’s arms around him, but he can’t bring himself to get off the ground. Every second weighs him down more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sungjin pulls away, cradling Dowoon’s face in his hands. “I’m so—sorry,” he chokes out, brushing away Dowoon’s tears with the pads of his thumbs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t blame you, hyung.”  Dowoon manages between shaky breaths. “Th—thank you for staying with me.” Sungjin didn’t think his heart could shatter anymore, but Dowoon’s words manage to do just that. As if he could have ever left Yuchan there to die alone. He doesn’t even know how he got himself to leave Yuchan in the first place and got back to the apartment. “I was so—so scared.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll never leave you, baby, never.” Sunjin pulls the younger back into his arms, holding the dark haired boy to his chest. All Sungjin can see is the red haired boy bleeding out in his arms and all he can do is hold him and let him know that in his last moments he’ll never be alone. It’s almost unreal to be holding him in his arms again. Sungjin never could have imagined with so many restless nights with nightmares plaguing him about a red haired boy dying in his arms that he’d be here holding him right now. That he'd ever be able to hold that boy again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun — having finally wrapped his mind around what is happening — finally says something, which is more than Jaehyung can do. “I can’t remember anything. I just remember going to pick Junhee up and that’s it. What’s happening?” Jaehyung’s head snaps to the side, registering Sehyoon beside him. He’s been trying to puzzle through his memories for the last ten minutes, but like Younghyun, can’t remember anything beyond Sehyoon picking him up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can picture Byeongkwan beneath him, eyes glazed over. He feels the rushing endorphins that memory brings him. It’s the last concrete one he has. Everything else is blank. Sungjin and Dowoon crying before him rings zero bells. He’s never felt so lost. But a sinking feeling tells him it’s not a good sign that Younghyun is in the same position. Neither of them can remember what happens afterwards.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sungjin and Dowoon look up, registering the other three around them. Sungjin isn’t ready to let go of Dowoon but the desire to smother Younghyun in love is far too overwhelming. As if they’re on the same page, Dowoon hurls himself into Jaehyung’s arms and Sungjin into Younghyun’s arms. Jaehyung doesn’t question the younger boy in his arms and instead relishes in the warm feeling of his soulmate safely wrapped around him. Even if he doesn’t understand how they’ve come to be like this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun doesn’t understand it, but holding Sunjin in his arms feels so right, he can’t help but lose himself in the feeling, throwing all his concerns out the window. He doesn’t know why they’re like this now. He doesn’t understand what happened. But all those missing pieces that have left his life empty up till now fall into place. Jaehyung by his side, Sungjin in his arms, Dowoon and Wonpil nearby. This is how it was meant to be all along.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sehyoon-ah,” Sungjin whispers into the younger’s neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened to us?” Younghyun doesn’t speak above a whisper, but everyone can hear him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sungjin finally looks back at Wonpil, wanting to bring the younger boy into the conversation. Wonpil’s eyes meet Sungjin’s eyes for the first time since all their memories came back and his heart just about stops. The final memory slams into Wonpil. The final question Wonpil had been asking himself is answered. The numbness melts away into rage. Pure unhinged rage. Wonpil has no more questions. He knows exactly what happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The gun isn’t heavy in his hand. Just like Donghun had done only minutes before, Byeongkwan puts the gun to his temple. He pulls the trigger. Everything goes black behind his eyes.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> X May 1983 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want you to see this. I love you so much.” It’s deafening. The ringing in Byeongkwan’s ears is maddening. Like cotton stuffed and shoved up against his ear drums. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s deafening.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Blood soaks hot and wet into his clothes as Donghun goes completely lax, his hand falls from his neck. The ringing in his ears won’t stop. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It won’t stop.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He can’t hear. He can’t think. He can’t move. It’s then that he realizes Donghun isn’t breathing against the side of his head anymore. He’s supporting the entirety of Donghun’s weight. He slumps to the ground as Byeongkwan scrambles back, the full force of what just happened slams into him like a freight train. Donghun’s soft bright brown eyes are staring back at him emotionless—the scream that rips its way out of his throat is shattering.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everything moves in slow motion as if Byeongkwan himself is stuck in some kind of thick fog that is dragging him down. “Nonononononononono—” He starts but soon turns into one sob after another as he tries to gather Donghun’s motionless body into his arms. “It’s okay, you’re okay, please hyung you’re okay. I’ve got you. It’s okay, it’ll be okay.” He chants over and over again as if he says it enough it’ll become reality. “Don’t leave me, don’t—please you said you’d never leave me!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Through the haze and his bleary eyes Byeongkwan sees the shiny shape of a gun half lying in Donghun’s hand. For a second everything becomes clear and the weight of his body in his arms becomes all too real as the blood from the wound on the side of his head soaks into Byeongkwan’s pants.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stay, please stay with me.” Byeongkwan sobs. Every shuddering breath wracks his body. “I don’t know what to do without you. Wake up, wake up, hyung, please. Answer me!” He collapses forward, no longer able to hold himself up against the weight of the world—his world ending. “You said you’d never leave me. You—you—” he can hardly breathe as he sobs into Donghun’s chest, desperately grasping for any part of him to hold onto. “You said you wouldn’t leave.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minutes tick by, one turns to five turns to twenty, Byeongkwan can’t move, he can’t even feel. Donghun lays heavy in his arms. He’s waiting. Waiting for something that won’t happen. He lifts his face from Donghun’s chest, every part of him aches in ways he never could have imagined. He blinks away the tears and finally focuses on the shiny silver hand gun laying limp in Donghun’s hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s going to puke. He can feel it in his throat. </span>
  <em>
    <span>How did things get so fucked up?</span>
  </em>
  <span> One day he was sandwiched between Yuchan and Junhee and the next he lost all four of his lovers. Byeongkwan was trying to be optimistic, he was. Was being the operative word. He’s done now. He had hope that Junhee and Sehyoon would pull through. That they would be okay. That’s all but gone now. He thought Yuchan and Donghun would come back to give him good news. They’re both gone now. In a span of forty-eight hours he lost the four most important people to him. They left him. They left him all alone. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What’s he supposed to do now?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me wh—what I’m supposed to do now?” his voice cracks and the words lay heavy on his tongue. “Why’d yo—you leave me?” he combs his fingers through Donghun’s dark brown hair. It reminds him of hot chocolate and cold days wrapped in blankets, only Donghun’s chocolate brown hair visible under the blankets. He’d give anything to go back to winter. He didn’t know spring would bring this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s all alone now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a time — there must have been — when he lived just fine without Junhee, Donghun, Sehyoon, and Yuchan. He can’t remember those times now. He can’t picture how he’s supposed to go on without them. Every possible future that crosses his mind has the five of them together. There isn’t one future where he’s all by himself. Except that’s the future he’s found himself in. Byeongkwan feels so numb. Not a tear left in his body to shed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knows he isn’t thinking clearly. But his mind has never been so quiet. The constant rambling thoughts his mind is usually preoccupied with are all gone. He’s just left with silence, watching blood soak into the checkered rug. Feeling blood soak into his clothing. His mind is empty. He can’t even bring himself to feel a thing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He reaches for the gun. Donghun’s icy fingers fall away from the barrel. It’s surprisingly light. He thought something that could bring so much pain would be heavier. It’s a small gun, smudged with finger prints against the shiny metal. He adds his own to the mix. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sees Junhee’s face first. Black inky strands hanging in his eyes. A bright smile that used to warm Byeongkwan to his bones. Junhee is winking, a cocky, toying smile playing across his lips. He sees Donghun’s face next. Soft brown eyes to match a soft pout that used to turn Byeongkwan’s insides to mush. Sehyoon swims into his vision shortly after. His platinum hair hangs in soft waves down around his cheek bones. He can see Sehyoon shake his head, knocking the hair out of his eyes. His smile is shy, a little embarrassed and the older boy won’t meet his gaze. Byeongkwan just wants to hold him. It’s Yuchan he sees last. He sees the red dye staining the younger’s forehead as they attempt to dye his hair for the first time. Still Yuchan is all laughter and eye smiles. Byeongkwan wants to laugh along at the mess they made that day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he holds the heavy metallic weapon of death in his hand he pictures each one of his boyfriends. Sees each one of their beautiful faces. He sees their smiles and their eyes light up in his mind. </span>
  <em>
    <span>How can he go on without them? </span>
  </em>
  <span>The gun isn’t heavy in his hand. Just like Donghun had done only minutes before, Byeongkwan puts the gun to his temple.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulls the trigger.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <strong>X November 2016 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sungjin looks away from Wonpil, unsettled by the dark look that has taken over the younger boy’s features. He turns back to Younghyun, soaking in his soulmate’s presence. He realizes that doesn’t make sense. That none of this makes any sense. However, Younghyun and Jaehyung must be more confused than any of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was an accident.” Sungjin starts. Dowoon breathes out shaky and reaches for Sungjin. Their hands find each other and it helps Sungjin to go on. He can remember the call so clearly. Sehyoon’s sister on the other end tells him they’re at the hospital. His whole world stops right there and then. That is exactly what he divulges to Jaehyung and Younghyun. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The drunk driver that hit them. The coma they were in after the doctors got them stable. The look on Jaehyung and Younghyun’s faces say it all. Finding out about how they died is soul crushing. The details of his own death are a little murky in Sungjin’s mind. Not a whole lot is clear. He remembers holding Byeongkwan, he can assume what happens next. Maybe that’s why he can’t meet Wonpil’s eyes?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened after?” Jaehyung asks, wanting to have all the answers upfront so he doesn’t have to dwell much on what happened to himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dowoon answers this time, giving Sungjin’s hand a firm squeeze. “Donghun hyung,” it flows so naturally off his tongue. “And I were walking home from the hospital. Byeongkwan had to stay in the library to finish an essay, I think.” Dowoon doesn’t check with Wonpil before continuing. The other has been eerily silent through all of this. “These guys came out of nowhere. They attacked us.” Jaehyung holds his breath as Dowoon explains the following series of events. The gun to Donghun’s head, the hidden pocket knife neither of them saw, no one coming to help as Donghun cried. As Yuchan bled out in his arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I went back home to tell Byeongkwan, I—I don’t remember much after that.” Sungjin finishes off, finally looking back at the younger boy again. Wonpil’s jaw is clenched as their eyes connect again. Sungjin is suddenly filled with so much overwhelming guilt. He doesn’t want to tell them what happens next. Wonpil knows though. That weighs heavily on Sungjin’s conscience.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll tell you what happens next.” Wonpil pulls himself together and climbs to his feet. “You all leave me. That’s what happens. You leave me alone!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sungjin slowly approaches the younger, aware of how upset he is. They’re all on edge. Emotions are running high, but Wonpil seems to be seconds away from snapping. He wants to comfort the younger boy, he understands more than any of them what he’s going through. He lost everyone too. Yuchan died right before his eyes. “Byeongkwan—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t!” Wonpil steps back, away from Sungjin. “I hate you.” he seethes. Even as the words leave his mouth he knows they aren’t true but the look on Sungjin’s face tells him it was worth it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sunjin feels like he’s been slapped across the face. “I—” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hate you!” Wonpil screams again, marching up to Sungjin and shoving him hard in the chest. “You took someone I love away from me.” Wonpil bursts into tears, unable to contain the pent up emotions anymore. “I hate you I hate you I hate you.” He sobs pounding his fists against Sungjin’s chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tears pool in Sungjin’s eyes as he takes the furious pounding against his chest. He blames himself for Yuchan too. “I didn’t mean to let Chan die.” Sungjin whispers, feeling so broken at the turn of events.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonpil pauses his onslaught. Sucks in a breath before saying, “I don’t blame you for Chan.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You! Do you not remember what you did? You held me in your arms and shot yourself, you selfish asshole!” With his words hanging in the air Wonpil reaches out to Sungjin and pushes his hair away from his right temple. The birthmark he was expecting discolors the skin there. “What did you think this birthmark meant?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t understand.” Younghyun interjects.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Donghun killed himself after I died.” Dowoon speaks up, already knowing what happened from Wonpil’s memories. “We have birthmarks from how we died in our past life. Under my ribs I have a birthmark from the knife.” He explains.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jaehyung rubs his chest, recalling the birthmark he and Younghyun share. They both come to the realization that the discoloration on their chests are most likely from the airbags hitting them or something else that happened in the car crash. They were most likely dead before they even got to the hospital, their souls already having moved on. Neither wants to speak those words aloud.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun steps forward, he reaches for Sungjin, but his hand falls away as Sungjin’s back remains facing him. “Yo—you ki—killed yourself?” He can’t bring himself to be louder than a whisper, so scared that it might be true.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sungjin’s head hangs low. He can’t really remember everything. However, he recalls the state he was in that night after the hospital and then losing Yuchan so suddenly. He remembers picking the gun up off the sidewalk. He remembers all those thoughts running through his head and just knows that it’s the truth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kwan I’m so sorry, I didn’t—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t what? Mean to die? Mean to leave me? You said you loved me, you liar!” The tears are flowing again and Wonpil can’t be bothered to stop them. “You killed someone that I love! You left me all alone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sungjin can’t take it anymore. He pulls Wonpil into his arms. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you have any idea how I felt?” he mumbles into Sungjin’s shoulder. “I didn’t have the strength to go on! You left me to deal with everything on my own. You hurt me more than anyone.” He shoves Sungjin away again — furious and livid.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Sungjin reaches for Wonpil again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonpil slaps his hand away. “Is that all you can say? ‘I’m sorry?’ Do you know what I did?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dowoon sucks in a painful breath watching his friend completely fall apart. Jaehyung’s jaw is clenched so painfully and Younghyun is aching to take the crying boy into his arms. The four of them wait in bated breath for Wonpil to tell them. It’s become clear to every single one of them that at the end of it all, Byeongkwan — their glue, their everything, the one who tied the five of them together — was left without anyone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I killed myself! I fucking shot myself just like you.” He shoves Sungjin again, putting as much distance between the two of them as possible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonpil can’t take another pitying look from the four of them. He turns and runs away, back to the safety of his room. He can’t take this anymore. It’s all too much.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So what do you all think? I'd be happy to answer questions if anyone is confused.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. I will Stand by You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I really didn't edit this chapter much, I just didn't feel well yesterday, but I hope it's okay.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>X July 1982 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>The sun beats down a little too warmly on Byeongkwan’s skin. A bead of sweat dots at his brow. With a simple step of his foot he throws himself into the clear blue shimmering water before him. Water cascades around him as he submerges fully into the ice cold depths. His feet brush against the tile of the pool before pushing against the bottom and springing himself towards the surface.</p><p>Sehyoon is sitting at the edge of the pool, a lazy smile pulling at the corners of his lips as he watches Byeongkwan push the wet strands of hair off his forehead. He kicks out his foot, sending a wave of water toward the younger boy. Byeongkwan snorts before diving under the water, only to reemerge before Sehyoon. With all his strength he pulls Sehyoon into the pool with him. The older boy goes willing, putting up no fight as the hands around his calves pull him in.</p><p>Sehyoon reemerges, breaking the surface of the water and whipping his long blond strands out of his face. “That was mean.”</p><p>“Says the person who kicked water at me.” Byeongkwan rolls his eyes.</p><p>Yuchan announces himself with a shout before barreling into the water, feet first. The water kicks up around them in response to Yuchan throwing himself into the pool. Yuchan resurfaces, immediately attaching himself to Sehyoon’s back. Sehyoon wraps his hands around the younger boy’s thighs so he doesn’t slip off.</p><p>“Hyungs told me to come get you, they’re hungry.” Yuchan looks over Sehyoon’s shoulder at Byeongkwan. Something curls in his stomach at the sight of the older boy — wet hair slicked back and off his forehead, water dripping down his neck, across his chest as his body is only half submerged in the water. Yuchan has half a mind to pounce on Byeongkwan, but Sehyoon stands — floats — firmly in between them. Instead the three of them pull themselves over the edge of the pool, grab their towels and head inside, drying themselves off as they go.</p><p>After pulling a shirt on, Sehyoon takes a seat next to Donghun at the picnic table, across from Junhee. Byeongkwan is quiet as he sits in between Junhee and Yuchan. He nudges at his food — they’re eating korean barbeque, Junhee was in charge of the grill — and considers stabbing at the meat with his chopsticks but decides against it.</p><p>Donghun notices first that Byeongkwan is being very quiet, but that is no surprise considering he is sitting across from the dirty blond. Junhee laughs at something Yuchan says. Donghun nudges Byeongkwan with his foot under the table. “Kwan?”</p><p>Byeongkwan looks up, a little startled at hearing his name considering he was completely zoned out. “Huh?” </p><p>“Are you okay?” that catches the attention of everyone else, their eyes all falling on Byeongkwan now.</p><p>“I’m okay.” he replies with a little shrug of his shoulders.</p><p>“Kwan,” Donghun draws out. “I can tell when something is wrong.”</p><p>“It’s stupid.” He replies.</p><p>“No it’s not.” Junhee bumps their shoulders together. “What’s wrong?”</p><p>“It’s silly.” He tries again to downplay his sudden mood. </p><p>“Tell us!” Yuchan practically demands.</p><p>Byeongkwan lets out a deep sigh. “It’s just…hyungs have graduated and I’m afraid…”</p><p>“We’re going to disappear again?” Sehyoon finishes. Byeongkwan nods in response.</p><p>“I don’t want to lose you guys again. I know you’re busy and the rest of us are still in school, but I don’t want it to happen again. See? It’s dumb, I’m being dumb.”</p><p>“You’re not.” Donghun responds immediately. “That was our fault last time. We won’t let it happen again, okay? We got too wrapped up in our own lives before.”</p><p>“Okay,” It’s obvious to everyone at the table that Byeongkwan doesn’t really believe Donghun.</p><p>“Hey?” Donghun grabs the younger boy’s attention again. “I love you, and I’m not going to ever leave you again. Sehyoon and I are not going anywhere, ever again. Got that? We aren’t leaving the apartment any time soon, you could come over everyday for dinner, okay?”</p><p>Byeongkwan’s heart just about stops and his stomach does a little flip. In his mind he knows that they’re only friends, that they’ll probably only ever be friends, but his heart is telling him “I love you” means so much more. Sure they casually tell each other that they love them, but there is just something so raw about the way Donghun said it that Byeongkwan cannot help but let his mind race with all the possibilities. Their love is real, he knows it in his heart. </p><p>Byeongkwan nods vigorously, “Got it.” he really cannot contain his smile. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Yuchan sporting the same breathtaking smile. He loves all of them so much. “You guys are my soulmates.” He says barely above a whisper. </p><p>What is there to respond besides small confirming nods and shy smiles, because yes, they’re soulmates. With that all out in the open, Byeongkwan digs in, he loves korean barbeque.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X November 2016 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>The world is tilting left then right as Wonpil stumbles into his dorm room — at least he thinks it’s his dorm room, his eyes are too blurry to make much out. He collapses to the floor before he can reach his bed. His knees hit the cement floor hard, rattling his entire body. He curls into himself, making himself as small as possible. A choked laugh bubbles in his throat, escaping past his lips. It makes his chest ache. </p><p>
  <em> He is such an idiot. </em>
</p><p>Wonpil can’t help but feel so stupid as it all consumes him at once. Byeongkwan thought he was strong. He thought he could get away with loving four people. He thought their love made him strong. Byeongkwan was invincible. <em> What a cruel joke. </em> A dumb boy dared to love four people and the world chewed him up and spit him back out without a care for whether he could take it or not. He couldn’t. Byeongkwan thought he was strong. He wasn’t. He crumbled as his world crumbled and Wonpil was left to suffer the consequences because Byeongkwan wasn’t as strong as he thought.</p><p>
  <em> Such an idiot. </em>
</p><p>His room is quiet one minute and then the next filled with bodies — breathing in quick succession, stepping hesitantly into the room — stuffing it full with their presence. Dowoon hesitates before crouching down next to Wonpil. He helps sit him up against the side of his bed. Other than that he doesn’t know what else to do to help his friend who is struggling to breathe properly.</p><p>Jaehyung closes the door behind him, pressing his back into the sturdy wood. He can’t take a step further into the room. He grabs onto Younghyun’s wrist, holding him back; whether to seek comfort or not, Younghyun is not sure. Jaehyung knows his friend wants to help, but the truth of it is, they don’t know Wonpil, not really. They might have known Byeongkwan, but Wonpil is different, they’re different. And, what can they say to fix this? This all happened in the first place because of them. Younghyun knows this and falls back beside Jaehyung.</p><p>However, Sungjin pushes forward — his cheeks dampen with tears and eyes brimming with more just waiting to spill over — he kneels down in front of Wonpil. Originally his strongest memory was holding Yuchan as he bled out. That memory consumed him, it was all he could see. It made perfect sense as to why he rushed to Dowoon upon their influx of memories. He doesn’t regret that. He doesn’t regret being able to hold Yuchan again. The next person he should have run to was Wonpil, though. He tried to block out how he left this world, but in the end he tried to forget how much he hurt someone he loved.</p><p>“Wonpil…” Sungjin tries.</p><p>Dowoon sits down next to him, not sure how else to offer comfort. Wonpil doesn’t acknowledge either of them.</p><p>So Sungjin tries again and this time he lays out his heart, like he should have the first time. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to go on. I was weak and I was selfish, I’m so sorry Wonpil. I can never be sorry enough for what I did.”</p><p>He wants to say more, to somehow offer the younger boy some comfort, but Wonpil stops him with his words. “Stop apologizing to me, please.” he sounds so broken, so defeated, he can’t even speak above a whisper.</p><p>“I don’t know what else to say. I didn't know what to do. Wonpil please, I lost them too. I lost everyone. I couldn’t take it, I’m so sorry. I am and I can’t ever say it enough to you. I lost them and—”</p><p>“You had me! You had me and left me too!” Wonpil explodes, the fire lighting behind his eyes. “I lost all of you!”</p><p>“I didn’t know what to do!” Sungjin explodes back.</p><p>“You had me! You could have talked to me, Sungjin you didn’t even let me say goodbye! I didn’t get to say goodbye.” The tears come back with a vengeance, spilling over Wonpil’s cheeks.</p><p>“I couldn’t. I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breath. Wonpil you don’t understand, Chan died in front of me. I couldn’t—”</p><p>“You died in front of me! I didn’t know what to do, but you just left me to deal with it by myself.” Wonpil sobs.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Sungjin hangs his head, unable to say anything else. What he did to Byeongkwan was unforgivable. He’ll live with that regret for the rest of his life. It weighs heavy in his heart.</p><p>“Stop saying that.” Wonpil reaches out for Sungjin, cupping his face so that they’re eye to eye. “I don’t hate you.” Sungjin sucks in a shuddering breath. “Don’t leave me again. Promise that you’ll never leave again.”</p><p>Sungjin breaks. The tears come fast, spilling down his cheeks. He’s struggling to breathe, but he manages. “Never again.” He collapses forward into Wonpil’s arms. They wrap tight around each other. Sungjin buries himself into Wonpil’s shoulder, Wonpil’s arms around him, his hand holding the back of his head firmly. The tears eventually dry but they don’t pull away.</p><p>Dowoon tips forward onto Wonpil’s other shoulder, relishing in the warmth the two of them provide him. It reminds him of the time the three of them clung to each other on the floor of the hospital praying that someone would tell them that Sehyoon and Junhee were alright. That moment never did come.</p><p>“I’m here, I’m here now. I won’t leave again. I won’t.” Sungjin mumbles into Wonpil’s shoulder. Wonpil just holds him tighter in response.</p><p>They don’t know how much time passes before they finally release each other. Younghyun and Jaehyung eventually join them on the floor. Hesitant at first, but still wanting to be a part of the conversation about to unfold. There are still many unanswered questions. Especially for Younghyun and Jaehyung.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X January 1983 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Byeongkwan really doesn’t want to wake up, he was having such a nice dream. He can’t remember what it was about, his chest feels warm at the thought of it though. At some point in the night he rolled halfway onto Donghun and is now spread out on his two oldest hyungs, using them like a bed. He had been joking when he said he would sleep on Sehyoon, but somehow he really did end up falling asleep on the older boy. He nestles back into Sehyoon’s chest and closes his eyes again. He really does not want to wake up yet.</p><p>However, Yuchan nudges his shoulder. The red head is blinking up at him, eyes soft and content. “Come shower with me.” he whispers as to not wake the others.</p><p>Byeongkwan quickly agrees despite not knowing how he is going to get off of Sehyoon and Donghun without waking them. Showering together is a common occurrence for the two of them ever since they started living together last year. Sure, there were plenty of shower stalls, but that wasn’t really the point of sharing for the two youngest. </p><p>The spray of water is warm against Byeongkwan’s back. Yuchan quickly joins him, pulling the glass door closed. The shower is small and square, but they don’t really mind being this close. Byeongkwan dips his head under the water before moving to the side so Yuchan can get under the spray. He scrubs his hair clean and then offers to do Yuchan’s for him, despite the red head being taller than him.</p><p>“We should redye your hair, unless you want something different?” Byeongkwan murmurs just loud enough for his voice to carry over the sound of the water hitting the tile floor.</p><p>“I’ve had red for a long time.” Yuchan murmurs back, his voice still husky from sleep.</p><p>“You want to do something different?”</p><p>“Nah, I like the red too much.” Yuchan smiles teasingly at Byeongkwan, washing the shampoo out of his hair.</p><p>Byeongkwan snorts before pushing his way back under the water. They soon exit the shower as to not use up all of the hot water. Back in the bedroom, only Donghun and Junhee are still asleep. Sehyoon must have left while they were showering. The two youngest rummage through the dresser and closet for clothes. Byeongkwan pulls on an orange sweatshirt he knows belongs to Sehyoon. Yuchan grabs a long sleeved striped shirt that could belong to either of his boyfriends; he doens’t know, but he is sure he has seen both of them wearing it before.</p><p>Byeongkwan finds Sehyoon out in the kitchen washing rice. He quietly walks up behind the older boy and wraps his arms around his waist form behind. Sehyoon stiffens for half a second before turning around in the younger boy’s arms. </p><p>“Did you and Chan-ah enjoy your shower?”</p><p>“Yes,” Byeongkwan replies even though he currently has his face buried in Sehyoon’s shirt.</p><p>After a few content silent minutes Sehyoon says, “I’m going home next weekend. Do you think you and Chan-ah can come?”</p><p>“Yes,” he doesn’t even need to think about it. He hasn’t seen Sehyoon’s family in a long time. Maybe since high school. He doens’t think Yuchan has ever met Sehyoon or Donghun’s families.</p><p>“Then hyung and I will pick you guys up on Friday.” Sehyoon runs his fingers through Byeongkwan’s dark blond hair and even darker roots. His hair is still wet, but starting to dry at the ends.</p><p>“Is Jun hyung coming?”</p><p>“Haven’t asked yet.” Sehyoon replies as Yuchan appears, dragging Donghun and Junhee behind him. The two boys still look half asleep.</p><p>“Too early.” Junhee mumbles, squinting blearly at the rest of them before collapsing onto the couch. Donghun follows suit. Yuchan perches himself on the arm of the couch as Sehyoon takes the last available seat. Byeongkwan ignores that fact and just sits himself on Sehyoon’s lap.</p><p>“So?” Yuchan breaks up the silence.</p><p>“So what?” Junhee mumbles back, falling back asleep on Donghun’s shoulder.</p><p>“<em> So, </em>” Yuchan stresses. “What are we going to do on our first day as boyfriends?”</p><p>“We should probably talk about that.” Donghun straightens up, looking more awake now.</p><p>“Why? Did you change your mind?” Junhee’s voice shakes a little.</p><p>“No!” Donghun is quick to correct. “I just want us all to be on the same page.”</p><p>“What’s to discuss? We’re all dating each other. All five of us. It’s just like any other relationship. If we start thinking about it too much then we are going to over complicate it and that’s when we’ll have problems.” Byeongkwan explains.</p><p>“I’m just worried that someone is going to end up feeling left out.” Donghun says, not disagreeing with Byeongkwan.</p><p>“That’s why we communicate.” Sehyoon adds.</p><p>“We’ve been friends for a long time. We know how to talk to each other.” Junhee confirms.</p><p>“We got this Dongdong.” Yuchan affectionately pats the eldest’s head.</p><p>Byeongkwan smiles at the interaction, “We can’t make this a big deal. It’s not. It’s just us.” </p><p>“Speaking of just us.” Sehyoon interrupts. “Do you all want to come home with me next weekend?” He has already gotten definitive answers from Donghun and Byeongkwan, but he might as well double check.</p><p>He receives four resounding yeses that lead to squeals of excitement from Junhee that then lead to Byeongkwan yelping, because Junhee bit his arm.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X November 2016 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“We all died.” Jaehyung says. He doesn’t need confirmation, he just wants to wrap his mind around it. One minute he was getting into a car with Sehyoon and the next he was being flooded with a life that wasn’t his — at least not anymore. It wasn’t the first time he had memories — he supposes that is what they were, not lucid daydreams — of five boys falling in love. He had them frequently when he first met Younghyun. Something always felt off back then, but Jaehyung was grateful for his friendship nonetheless. Having moved to Seoul from Long Beach was quite the upheaval. Younghyun made it bearable. </p><p>When he felt like quitting. When he thought he’d never get a hold of korean. When he felt like giving up. Younghyun was there, even if the younger boy made him feel strange. He never could figure out what the emotions were that Younghyun and then Sungjin stirred up in him. He guesses now that it was his past life calling out to their. Recognizing their souls and naturally the three of them fell back together as if thirty years hadn’t passed. </p><p>“I can tell you about it?” Wonpil offers, not wanting to leave Jaehyung and Younghyun in the dark any longer. The lopsided circle they’ve constructed with their bodies feels so distant and yet Wonpil doesn’t have the energy to close the distance. Instead he shrinks further into himself, pulling his knees up to his chest.</p><p>“No—no I don’t want to know anymore.” Jaehyung replies. He knows enough.</p><p>“I don’t understand how we ended up like this. Why do I only have feelings for Jae. Is it just me?” Younghyun asks. The question had been plaguing him ever since all of his memories resurfaced. He can see so clearly the time spent with Donghun and recall the way he felt about all of them, yet he can’t seem to muster those feelings anymore.</p><p>“M—me?” Jaehyung sputters.</p><p>“Told you he was the only one that didn’t know.” he says to Wonpil, completely ignoring Jaehyung’s mini breakdown.</p><p>“We’re stuck in a love pentagon.” Wonpil clears up, even though that really doesn’t clear anything up other than confirming all their suspicions.</p><p>“So then, what do we do?” Dowoon asks.</p><p>“Well, um, I guess, well, we don’t feel the same way we did in our past life, but those feelings came with time and honestly I’m not opposed to giving it a try again. I mean, if you guys want to. This is all kind of sudden, but what we had was real.” Younghyun pauses, picking his next words carefully. “I want that again even if the world doesn’t stop everytime I see all of you. I don’t care about that feeling or soulmates. I want something that’s real, that we had before.”</p><p>Younghyun’s words shake Wonpil to his core. All his life he’d been waiting for a soulmate. He’d been waiting for the love of his life to just fall before him. In his heart he felt destined for someone and here Younghyun is, saying that he’d rather work for something that is real. Wonpil never thought of it that way before. Soulmates were as real as the air around them to him.</p><p>“No.” Jaehyung says loud and clear after Younghyun’s words settle in.  “I don’t want to.” Younghyun never imagined four words could hurt so much and yet it feels as if Jaehyung has gutted him.</p><p>“Hyung…” Sungjin starts, unsure but shocked by the eldest’s words.</p><p>“Nothing has changed. Nothing is better. Who is to say we won’t end up the same way? Gay rights aren’t any better, especially not here. How could we possibly manage a poly relationship? We’re strangers. All we have in common is our past lives and if anything they’re telling us we were doomed from the start. We might as well cut our losses now before we get in too deep. Its just not worth it.” Jaehyung stands up, his legs a little shaky like his voice, but he doesn’t want to stay any longer.</p><p>“Jae…” Younghyun reaches for his friend but Jaehyung snatches his hand away. </p><p>“Sorry.” he says before leaving rather abruptly.</p><p>The four of them are left sitting in an incomplete circle just staring at the spot Jaehyung used to occupy. Wonpil almost wants to laugh, but he can’t even crack a smile.</p><p>“I can’t do anymore today.” Wonpil says picking himself up off the floor. “Maybe we can talk about this another day?”</p><p>Younghyun, although looking defeated, nods. He waits at the door for Sungjin as he hugs the youngests goodbye. Younghyun has never seen the older boy so affectionate. However he’s considered hugging them as well so he can’t fault Sungjin for being so touchy. The two of them leave together. Silence hangs heavy in between them.</p><p>Wonpil crawls into bed, completely exhausted. A part of him craves to ask Dowoon to cuddle with him, but the other part is too tired to string words together. He lets out a relieved sigh as Dowoon crawls in behind him. The younger boy didn’t need to be asked, because he too was craving some type of comfort.</p><p>Days pass just like this. It’s Wonpil and Dowoon. He can’t help but think back to the time when it had just been Byeongkwan and Yuchan. When they had been left behind by the others in college. Their dorm room starts to resemble the one from their past life. All the room and empty floor in between their beds vanish and with each passing day the two of them grow closer.</p><p>Wonpil knows how Dowoon feels about him, but he’s starting to wonder if he is capable of reciprocating those feelings. Before he would have said no. He only had eyes for Sungjin. But a world of possibilities has opened up. He’ll most likely never stop loving Sungjin, but just like Byeongkwan, he has so much room in his heart for more.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So? Thoughts?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Be Buried in Ashes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry I didn't post this a few days ago, but I figured no one is reading this so it doesn't matter lol. Also I wanted to write something for Jin's birthday and I have terrible time management, so we're lucky this even got written. Written yes, edited however, no not at all so sorry for the mistakes, but my thumb hurts so I'm just gonna leave it like this.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>X April 1977 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t get this!”</p><p>“Stop shouting.” Sehyoon grunts, rolling over onto his stomach.</p><p>“You’re supposed to be helping me.” Byeongkwan whines — petulant and huffy.</p><p>“I am, you’re the one not listening.”</p><p>“It doesn’t make sense!”</p><p>“Well, maybe if you listened—”</p><p>“I am listening, you’re a bad teacher.” Byeongkwan huffs.</p><p>“You’re being a real brat today.” Sehyoon rolls his eyes at the younger boy’s childish behavior. </p><p>“That’s mean!”</p><p>“The truth hurts.” Sehyoon shrugs.</p><p>“I just want to finish this, but it keeps getting harder! I hate math!”</p><p>“Did you even read the chapter?”</p><p>“How is reading supposed to help with math?”</p><p>“I’ll take that as a no.”</p><p>Byeongkwan launches himself off the rug and straight at Sehyoon. He grabs the older boy’s shoulders easily and wrestles him onto his back. Byeongkwan is precariously perched on his abdomen, wrists held above his head. Sehyoon does not have an amused expression on his face, instead he looks a little bored, but Byeongkwan can tell he is anything but by the red tips of his ears.</p><p>“Your attitude is not appreciated.” he whispers, voice dropping an octave.</p><p>“It’s high school math, it doesn’t get much easier than this.” Sehyoon says with an even voice.</p><p>“What can I say, my talents are elsewhere.”</p><p>“I find that hard to believe.” their heads whip to the sliding door — though rather uncomfortable for Sehyoon in his current position — as a new voice joins them, Eunsuh, Sehyoon’s younger sister. Her eyes are narrowed as she silently judges them from the door.</p><p>Byeongkwan quickly scrambles to his feet and Sehyoon sits up. “I’ll have you know I’m quite the people pleaser.” Byeongkwan defends.</p><p>“And that’s something to brag about.” she snorts, throwing Byeongkwan off his game. She’s not even a teenager and yet she is matching him word for word. What a stark difference compared to her brother.</p><p>“Be nice,” Sehyoon says, ever the peacekeeper.</p><p>Byeongkwan sits back on the rug and reaches for a bag of chips. Perhaps he’ll find the answers to his homework at the bottom of the bag. It’s always worth a try.</p><p>“Whatcha guys doin’?” she asks, taking a seat on the plush red rug too.</p><p>“Homework,” Sehyoon answers.</p><p>About a second later Byeongkwan adds, “Suffering mostly.”</p><p>“He’s being dramatic.” Sehyoon rolls his eyes for the umpteenth time since they’ve entered his room. If Sehyoon knew helping Byeongkwan with his homework would mostly be listening to him complain then he might not have offered to do it. Then again, he hasn’t ever been able to say no to the younger boy’s puppy dog eyes. It’s quite sad the way the freshman has them all wrapped around his finger. Donghun and Junhee are practically putty in the younger boy’s hands. Sehyoon can’t say he is much better.</p><p>“Well, it’s a good thing I brought candy!” Eunsuh squeals, reaching into her pockets and pulling out a bunch of individually wrapped candies in colorful plastic.</p><p>“Oh!” Byeongkwan immediately reaches for a bright red wrapped candy.</p><p>Eunsuh tosses a clear plastic wrapped candy at Sehyoon. He doesn’t catch it but it lands in his lap, easy enough for him to retrieve. She unwraps a green wrapped candy and pops it in her mouth, makes her think of the tea her mom likes to brew every morning for their dad.</p><p>“Oppa, I’m bored.” Eunsuh whines, a little garbled with the candy in her mouth.</p><p>“Well, I’m doing homework.” He holds up a thick book. “Maybe you should too.”</p><p>“Will you help me?” she asks, a little hopeful.</p><p>“I have my hands full helping Kwan. Go ask mom.” Sehyoon brushes her off.</p><p>“Hey! I’m still young, my education is worth saving, you should just give up on him.” She huffs.</p><p>“The disrespect!” Byeongkwan sputters as Sehyoon bursts out laughing.</p><p>“You have a point.” He tamps down his laughter. “Go get your homework then.” he urges.</p><p>Eunsuh scrambles to her feet and skids across the floor in her socks down the hallway.</p><p>“Sehyoonie!” Byeongkwan flops onto his back, cushioned by the rug below him. “Hyung!”</p><p>“Hmm?” Sehyoon grunts, having opened his book back up.</p><p>“What do you want to do for your birthday?”</p><p>“You remembered?” Sehyoon is completely taken by surprise by the question.</p><p>“Of course. Now what do you want to do?” Byeongkwan pouts.</p><p>“It’s a month a way, why are you thinking about that now?” he shrugs.</p><p>“Cause planning takes time! Let's do something fun. We could go to the han river? I could teach you to skateboard? I bet it’d be funny to see Junhee fail. Oh! We could go to a club, maybe dance? I know you like dancing, hmm? We could go to the badminton court maybe? So?” Byeongkwan rambles off all his ideas, most of them just coming to him now.</p><p>“Wow, you put some thought into that.”</p><p>“Donghun hyung helped.” Byeongkwan pouts.</p><p>Eunsuh burst back into the room, slamming the sliding door closed behind her and skidding to stop in front of the red rug. “I’m back! Help me now.” she demands, sitting back on the rug in front of Sehyoon.</p><p>“I’ll think about it, okay?” he says to Byeongkwan before giving his younger sister his full attention.</p><p>Byeongkwan is a little disappointed but nods nonetheless. He moves on from math and pulls out some different homework, deciding to wait until he has Sehyoon’s attention again.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X November 2016 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Time is a funny thing. A few short months ago — it feels like they passed in minutes — Wonpil believed in soulmates. It’s not to say he doesn’t still believe in them, but the importance they held in his life has significantly dissipated. If he thought back to the Wonpil of September; he realizes how narrow minded he was then. His entire world was Sungjin Sungjin Sungjin. He thought in only terms of his soulmate when his roommate had sat silently and watched, never interfering as his heart broke. Wonpil regrets his obtuseness.</p><p>He hasn’t exactly given up on Sungjin either. But in a short few months — he really blinked and they were gone — his world has completely broadened. Stuff he never imagined possible, happened to him. He discovered a past life that honestly answered so many questions and just unveiled more to be solved. For example, his unprovoked PTSD at the sound of anything resembling a gunshot. That all makes sense now. His constant deja vu or feeling like something was not right. He’d been missing the memories of an entire lifetime.</p><p>He believes in soulmates, he always will. But fate will not dictate who he loves or how many people he loves. That day a week ago when everything came to ahead Wonpil was sure he’d lost everything. Lost his soulmate, lost his roommate, lost the possibility of new friends. Instead Dowoon and he grew closer each day. </p><p>Their beds are pushed together and Dowoon has his laptop propped up on his knees. Wonpil is scrolling through instagram on their shared bed. He doesn’t know how to define their relationship yet. He doesn’t even know what his feelings are. And despite probably never being able to share his strong feelings for Sungjin with anyone else, his feelings for Dowoon are their own force to be reckoned with. Sungjin will always be his soulmate. But he does love Dowoon. His chest tightens at the thought.</p><p>Considering the months they’ve known each other their relationship starts slow and builds each day. However, considering the single week in which the nature of Wonpil’s feelings shifted their romance burns bright and fast, shifting in the blink of an eye. Perhaps it was their past lives rekindling, their souls connecting again after so long. Wonpil likes to think it's just them. Wonpil and Dowoon.</p><p>It occurs to them soon after that they might want to tell Younghyun and Sungjin. Jaehyung has made it perfectly clear that he has no desire to rehash their past lives and open old wounds. So they leave him alone, they let him come to them in his own time. Instead Wonpil grows closer with Younghyun and Dowoon and Sungjin start to spend more time together. It’s unclear what is brewing between the four of them and whether it’s residual feelings from their past lives. Still, Wonpil is determined to get to know each boy as they are now. Past lives be damned, they aren’t the same, Jaehyung was right about that. But things have changed, he was wrong about that. Everything is different. </p><p>The first snow blankets the ground and yet Wonpil and Younghyun find themselves outside. However, not for much longer. Wonpil has been shivering for the past five minutes. Younghyun takes notice of this and they gather their things to find somewhere warmer to sit.</p><p>“It’s so...it’s frustrating, y’know?” Younghyun says as they walk towards the library.</p><p>“He’ll come around eventually.” Wonpil says, holding the door open for Younghyun to enter first.</p><p>“I know I know. It’s just...two weeks, Pil. We’ve never gone longer than two days without talking, even if it's just to say hi, and he hasn’t spoken a word to me in two weeks. I’m starting to lose it I think.”</p><p>“He needs time and I don’t blame him. It’s a lot to process especially since you guys weren’t there for the worst of it.” Wonpil says.</p><p>“This sucks!” Younghyun slams his bag down on a table outside the library entrance. “I only want to talk to him.”</p><p>“Time, hyung. I imagine he is working through a lot. I had a few months to work through everything before I came to you guys. I can’t believe you’re taking it so well.”</p><p>Younghyun opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out as he spots Jaehyung approaching them just behind Wonpil. <em> Speak of the devil. </em></p><p>“Uh, hey.” Jaehyung waves awkwardly. Wonpil nearly falls out of his chair trying to turn to see the older boy. “Can I sit?”</p><p>Younghyun and Wonpil — wearing matching dumbfounded expressions — both nod vigorously in response. <em> Where did he even come from? </em></p><p>Silence settles between them before Jaehyung musters something to say. “I feel like an asshole for the way I reacted. I’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff. And first I want to apologize.”</p><p>“No, Jaehyung-ssi, it’s okay. We all understand. It was a lot at once, no one is mad.” Wonpil comforts him. “Things moved too fast and we shouldn’t have pushed.”</p><p>“You mean I shouldn’t have pushed?” Younghyun interprets.</p><p>“Bri—”</p><p>“No,” he stops Jaehyung. “It’s all my fault right? All of it, from the beginning. I’m to blame. You can say it?”</p><p>“Hyung, what are you—”</p><p>“I’m not an idiot okay, I get it. It’s my fault. I pushed the relationship. I confessed like a moron. Bad timing and all. And I was the one driving.” The last part feels like a punch to the gut and a bucket of ice water dumped over Jaehyung’s head. <em> He couldn’t. Could he? </em></p><p>“Stop!” Wonpil says immediately, not even sure if he’s understanding what Younghyun is implying.</p><p>“No, it’s okay. I’ve thought about it a lot. I offered to take Jun shopping. I was driving. I didn’t react fast enough. It was my idea. It was my fault. It’s all my fault—”</p><p>“Shut up!” Jaehyung cuts him off. “If you’re going to start blaming yourself for what happened to us then I’m done. I’m leaving. It was nobody's fault but the one who drove their car into us or the fucking dicks that attacked Chan and Donghun. They’re to blame, not you, not me, not any of us. I’ve been thinking about this all too. We were victims of circumstance in a fucked up society where people can get behind death machines under the influence and destroy lives. Where entitled assholes think they have the right to dictate how we choose to live and who we choose to love and they think it’s okay to kill someone just for who they love. It’s not your fucking fault!” he says all in one go effectively shutting both Younghyun and Wonpil up.</p><p>“I can’t stop the way I feel.” Younghyun eventually murmurs, his head hanging low, he can't meet their eyes.</p><p>“I don’t blame you.” Jaehyung reaches for Younghyun’s hand across the table, easily intertwining their fingers. “I don’t know if it makes a difference now, but I love you too.”</p><p>“Fuck,” Younghyun sucks in a painful breath. He never thought he’d hear Jaehyung say those words to him.</p><p>“Uh let’s save the sappy shit for later.” Jaehyung chuckles nervously. Wonpil wants to say something but he also doesn’t want to push Jaehyung again and not to mention, he really feels like you shouldn’t be watching this moment between the two of them. “You know my friend in the police station?” Jaehyung says instead.</p><p>Younghyun manages to gather a few brain cells to quip back, “Which one? Aren’t there like ten?” </p><p>“I don’t have that many friends.” Even Wonpil chuckles at that, he can confirm that Jaehyung is a people magnet. “Anyway I asked him to do some digging and I really need to share something with all of you, so if we could get a group text going or something?”</p><p>“On it!” Wonpil whips out his phone. It’s about time they got a group chat.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X January 1983 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“My baby is home!”</p><p>“Eomma! Please,” Sehyoon blushes red as his mother swarms him, inspecting him head to toe.</p><p>“Oh hush, I didn’t get to see you for Christmas.” </p><p>“I’m here now.” Sehyoon suppresses the eye roll.</p><p>“And Donghun!” She quickly pulls the brunette into a warm hug.</p><p>“Oppa!” Eunsuh comes barreling into the entryway straight at Sehyoon. “I missed you.” Her voice is a little muffled from Sehyoon’s shirt.</p><p>“I missed you too short stack.” </p><p>“Hey!” </p><p>“Alright that’s enough you two.” Their mom cuts in. “Okay, I don’t have enough rooms for all of you but we have the guest room and Eunsuh will give—”</p><p>“Eomma I said it’s fine, they can stay in my room.”</p><p>As if Eunsuh has just realized four other boys are accompanying her brother she jumps back, face red as a tomato. It startles Sehyoon but he ignores her odd behavior in favor of convincing his mother to let his boyfriends sleep in his room.</p><p>“Oh, Byeongkwan oppa, h—hi.” Eunsuh stutters.</p><p>“Hey, Eunsuh-ah.” Byeongkwan waves a little awkwardly, it’s been years since he’s seen her. The last time was probably in high school when he used to frequent Sehyoon’s house for study purposes.</p><p>“Um, I gotta go. Bye!” Eunsuh races out of the room, catching everyone by surprise.</p><p>“Now what has gotten into her? Anyway, are you sure you’ll all be comfortable in one room? I don’t know if there is enough room to fit more than one cot.”</p><p>“It’s fine, they’ve all crashed at my apartment before. It’s just two nights.” Sehyoon waves off her concern.</p><p>“Well, all right. Let me know if you need anything.”</p><p>“Will do.” Sehyoon says before he leads his boyfriends upstairs to his room.</p><p>“So this is where hyung grew up?” Yuchan mumbles to himself as he gets comfortable on Sehyoon’s bed.</p><p>“Oh that’s right, you never met Sehyoon or Donghun’s families.” Junhee realizes, plopping down on the bed too.</p><p>Byeongkwan stacks their suitcases against the wall so no one trips over them.</p><p>“And when do I get to meet Donghun hyung’s family?” Yuchan asks.</p><p>“Don’t know.” Donghun shrugs. “My parents moved to China my first year.”</p><p>“What? Why?” Byeongkwan asks, a little shocked this is the first time he is hearing this.</p><p>“Work, ya know, opportunities. It’s fine, Sehyoonie lets me come home with him.”</p><p>“Subject change,” Junhee says. “That was so cute, why’d no one tell me about Eunsuh-ah’s crush?”</p><p>“Eunsuh-ah doesn't have a crush.” Sehyoon says immediately.</p><p>“Oh yes she does.” Yuchan snickers.</p><p>“How do you know?” Byeongkwan asks, his curiosity peaked.</p><p>“You really didn’t notice?” Donghun deadpans.</p><p>“Notice what?” Sehyoon demands.</p><p>“She obviously has a crush on Kwan, did you two miss her little freak out?” Junhee rolls his eyes at his two boyfriends.</p><p>“What?” Byeongkwan gasps.</p><p>“I can’t believe how oblivious you two are. Just come sit down.” Yuchan says.</p><p>“She does not have a crush on my boyfriend.” Sehyoon hisses.</p><p>“Sh—she’s like a little si—sister to me though.” Byeongkwan stutters.</p><p>“I can’t believe it took you this long to notice. Wait you didn’t even notice we had to tell you. I love you Kwan, but seriously?” Donghun shakes his head with disbelief.</p><p>“She’s really never been that obvious before!” He defends himself.</p><p>“To be fair she did tease you a lot.” Sehyoon brings up.</p><p>“Dammit.” Byeongkwan sighs, collapsing onto the bed. “What am I supposed to do?”</p><p>“Just ignore it, she has a harmless crush.” Junhee offers.</p><p>“I guess you’re right.” Byeongkwan agrees.</p><p>“I can’t believe we’re back here.” Donghun sighs.</p><p>“You know what I can’t believe?” Junhee says, “That neither of your families have found out you’re together. I mean you’d have to be blind not see it. I don’t even wanna know what the two of you have been doing under this roof for the last ten years.”</p><p>“We haven’t been dating that long.” Sehyoon blushes.</p><p>“Um, baby, it’s been nine years.” Donghun chuckles.</p><p>“Damn, and y’all just let me third wheel for like six of them?” Junhee sputters.</p><p>“No seriously how do your parents not even suspect anything? It’s going to be a miracle if the five of us make it three days without anyone finding out.” Yuchan says and he does have a point.</p><p>“Maybe they don’t care.” Sehyoon shrugs.</p><p>“Nobody is going to put together that we’re boyfriends.” Byeongkwan snorts. “No one even knows polyamory is a thing.”</p><p>“Good point.” Yuchan agrees.</p><p>“I mean if we all act intimate with each other our families might just write us off as close. It’s probably less suspicious then if only two of us were acting intimate.” Donghun points.</p><p>“It’s like we’re beards for each other!” Byeongkwan shouts excitedly.</p><p>“I don’t think that’s what that means.” Junhee narrows his eyes at the younger boy.</p><p>“No beards! I can barely manage four relationships. I will not be juggling a fake girlfriend on top of that.” Donghun cuts in.</p><p>“Why are you guys like this?” Sehyoon groans.</p><p>“Well, when are you going to feed me?” Byeongkwan throws back.</p><p>“I’m hungry too!” Yuchan adds.</p><p>“I never say no to food.” Junhee agrees.</p><p>“Fine, lets go. I’m sure there is something in the kitchen.” Sehyoon gets up from his bed.</p><p>“Knowing you’re mother’s hostess skills I’m sure we’ll have plenty of options.” Donghun confirms.</p><p>The five of them hurry downstairs, completely unaware that up until three minutes before they opened Sehyoon’s sliding door someone had been listening intently to their conversation.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>X November 2016 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Wonpil swallows nervously. He cannot believe they're doing this, but it feels right. It feels like closure. They need this. All five of them need this. </p><p>After Jaehyung told them that he did some snooping and with the help of a friend in the police force — Jaehyung really does have a million friends — they actually managed to find the police reports on their deaths. All in black ink on white paper. Drunk driving accident resulted in involuntary manslaughter. Hate crime resulted in voluntary manslaughter. Two deaths ruled as a double suicide. Looking through the files lead them to their obituaries — which were unbelievably morbid to read and at some point actually nauseating — and that actually managed to lead them to where their families had them buried. They were all pretty surprised to find out they were buried in the same mausoleum.</p><p>Wonpil is quick to take Dowoon’s hand. They need the comfort if they’re really going to do this. Younghyun had seemed confident about this earlier, but now it seems like none of them want to be the first to step through the glass doors. Sungjin squares his shoulders and reaches for the door handle.</p><p>It’s not a large mausoleum. But still there must be twenty people at rest here. And yet there isn’t a soul there. There are a few flowers on the ground by the glass cases that are holding urns. Each glass case is filled with photos and trinkets framing the urns. Wonpil feels a little light headed. The only thing keeping him grounded is Dowoon’s hand in his.</p><p>It’s not difficult to locate their glass cases. There are five of them stacked on top of each other, built into the left wall of the mausoleum. Wonpil stops breathing. There they are. It’s their photos. Wonpil can somehow remember that day like it was yesterday. It was one of the happiest moments of his life. The photos have since faded a lot, but the threads connecting them are still vibrant red. It makes Wonpil’s heart stop. He did it. He connected their souls.</p><p>Sehyoon’s bleached hair is white and Yuchan’s hair doesn’t look red, but pink compared to the vibrant red of the threads connecting them. All five of them look so happy it steals Wonpil’s breath away. He isn’t the only one that is completely dumbstruck.</p><p>“This one is mine.” Younghyun says, reaching for the photo but there is glass preventing him from doing so. Younghyun is looking at the photo in which Byeongkwan is blinking. Younghyun can recall being so fond of the photo back then. His heart aches.</p><p>“Our families buried us with our photos and together.” Jaehyung mumbles. His eyes haven’t left his photo. He remembers how funny he thought it was that Yuchan had cut off the tops of Donghun and Sehyoon’s heads.</p><p>“They really loved us didn’t th—they?” Dowoon hiccups, attempting to blink his tears away.</p><p>“Fuck,” Sungjin breathes. “I can’t do this.”</p><p>“Who are you?” </p><p>Younghyun nearly crashes into the glass cases he turns around so fast. Her voice is unmistakable. Of course she looks older. Her hair is grey at the edges, which really surprises Younghyun. She still looks the same even though laugh lines have etched themselves around her mouth and she looks a little weathered, older. She was only a teenager the last time he saw her and now she’s grown into a beautiful woman. <em> He can’t breathe. </em></p><p>“Eun—” Wonpil stops himself. She doesn’t know who they are. He takes in the bouquets of flowers Eunsuh is holding. One for each of them. His heart shatters just a bit more. He can't even look at Younghyun.</p><p>“Who are you and what are you doing here?” Eunsuh demands. “Why are you in front of my brother’s grave?”</p><p>“So—sorry.” Jaehyung stutters. “We’ll go.” He takes a hold of Younghyun’s hand and begins pulling him away. Dowoon does the same for Sungjin. Wonpil is reluctant to move, but he manages to force his feet to walk around Eunsuh and out the door. He does his best not to look back because if he does he might not be able to stop himself from hugging Eunsuh. She’s been through enough though. Their families have suffered enough.</p><p>They haven’t been able to move much more than a couple of feet from the mausoleum’s entrance. Younghyun is shaking so bad that Jaehyung is supporting his entire weight. None of them know what to do. It was unexpected. They came here for closure. To put their past selves to rest. Not in Wonpil’s wildest dreams did he think he’d ever see Eunsuh again. It’s taking all his self control not go back in there and hug her.</p><p>Minutes tick by. Jaehyung is whispering comforting words to Younghyun and Sungjin is rubbing his back. Dowoon is giving Wonpil the saddest look, but Wonpil has nothing to offer. If he opens his mouth he might just start sobbing. It’s not even seeing Eunsuh, it’s knowing that all their families have suffered. Wonpil thought Donghun was selfish the way he left them, but what about the way Byeongkwan left his family? They’ll get closure, but their families won’t. They get to be together again but Eunsuh lost her brother. Wonpil can’t take much more of this. <em> It’s maddening. </em></p><p>“Sehyoon?” A chill shoots down Wonpil’s spine.</p><p>Younghyun nearly collapses to the ground, thank god for Jaehyung and Sungjin’s support.</p><p>“It’s you right? I’m not crazy right? Tell—tell me it’s yo—you?” Eunsuh chokes out through tears.</p><p>Younghyun can’t take it, he breaks. Tears come hard and heavy down his cheeks as he looks at his little sister. “I—it’s me.”</p><p>Eunsuh practically throws herself at Younghyun, breaking down into hysterical sobbing. Wonpil can’t take the sight before him, he starts crying too. They stay like that for maybe ten more minutes. Eunsuh and Younghyun clinging to each other even though the tears have dried. Dowoon is supporting all of Wonpil’s weight now and dabbing at his damp cheeks with his sleeves. Only when Eunsuh pulls back, despite how reluctant Younghyun seems, do any of them notice the photos she is holding in her hands.</p><p>“Here,” She says, handing the photos to Younghyun. “They’re yours, I’m sorry I’m not sure who’s who.” She pulls out some tissues as Younghyun takes their photos. “I have so much I want to tell you, all of you. I—I never thought I’d get the chance.”</p><p>“I’m so sorry—”</p><p>“Don’t. I’m not mad anymore. I was for such a long time, but now I just miss you.” A few stray tears escape down her cheeks. “Our families, Junhee’s and ours started a drunk driving awareness campaign after you both passed. Junhee’s sisters are still running it and I occasionally join them.” Jaehyung lets out a small gasp hearing about his sisters. “We go to schools to educate children about the danger. We tell your story. All of your stories. We advocate for suicide provention and gay rights. I don’t know why I’m telling you guys this, but I just wanted you to know, okay? We never forgot you. We keep your memory alive.”</p><p>“Gay rights?” Sungjin whispers.</p><p>Eunsuh lets out a sad chuckle. “You didn’t really think you hid that from us did you?”</p><p>“Ho—how?” Wonpil manages.</p><p>“I might have been eavesdropping on you guys when you came home after Christmas.” Eunsuh is a little embarrassed to admit. “But it’s not like you guys weren’t obvious.” She defends.</p><p>“You little sneak.” Younghyun sniffles.</p><p>“Hey, I got to get back to work, but can I have your number, please?” Eunsuh says.</p><p>Younghyun takes out his phone immediately. A part of him is telling him this is wrong. He needs to let Eunsuh go. This isn’t his life anymore. But the selfish part of him refuses to. He doesn’t think Eunsuh would agree to let him go anyway. She’s more stubborn than anyone else he knows.</p><p>Eunsuh waves goodbye to them, a little tearful but smiling brightly. And then she’s gone. Younghyun sags into Jaehyung’s arms, grateful that his hyung is bigger than him. He needs to feel safe right now.</p><p>“I think this calls for a cuddle pile back at our dorm.” Dowoon says, still supporting Wonpil against his side. Everyone agrees considering they have the largest bed. What they need right now is each other.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wow, okay, one more chapter and then this story is done! I'll probably go back to my elemental fic after this, I've neglected it for so long. Also I'm sorry, I said no more angst, but the end of this chapter made me cry while I was writing it. I promise fluff for the last chapter!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. This Song Helps Me Stand Up Again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is it! The last chapter, wow I can't believe it. I'd like to clarify I am an angst writer at heart, but here is my attempt at fluff and maybe just a little bit more ;) I really hope this chapter compensates for the tear filled ride I've taken you on and thank you all for reading. I love this story very much and I hope you did too. This is a long chapter so buckle in.</p><p>Lastly, thank you <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frosche">Frosche</a>. This chapter probably never would have gotten finished without her help.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>X May 1983 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Reverberating laughter echoes around the small bedroom and disturbs Byeongkwan from the nap he was about to lull himself into. Honestly, he doesn’t know how he could possibly stay awake wrapped in his boyfriend’s arms like this and just so absolutely warm and comfortable. Sehyoon’s laughter pierces his ears again and if it weren't for how sleepy he is he probably would have thought he was listening to music. Sehyoon has such a soft soothing voice that makes Byeongkwan impossibly weak at the knees. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are they doing?” he asks from his cocoon of Yuchan. He is wearing Yuchan’s red sweatshirt and currently wrapped around the youngest boy like a koala bear. Yuchan might compare him more to a boa constrictor, but he doesn’t want to turn their cuddle session toward violence. he much rather prefers a happy and pliant Byeongkwan despite how fun the firecracker Byeongkwan can be. Plus, Byeongkwan is soft and warm around him so he really isn’t complaining.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um,” Yuchan sits up a little — careful not to displace his cuddly baby — just so he can see what has Sehyoon practically dying of laughter. “Oh, Hunnie and Jun are having a staring contest. Jun hyung is making weird faces.” Yuchan chuckles at the bizarre face Junhee is currently making, especially with his eyes. They’re sitting across from each other with Sehyoon to the side nearly in tears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is Dongdong losing?” Byeongkwan mumbles, snuggling just a little bit closer to Yuchan since he moved..</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, epically.” Yuchan replies. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just then a burst of laughter echoes around them and Yuchan can see Donghun splayed out on the floor, holding his stomach due to the pain of laughing so hard. Sehyoon is in a similar situation on his side gasping for air. Junhee continues contorting his face in ridiculous ways. His eyes are blown wide and he is creating a multitude of chins out of his neck. Yuchan snorts at the objectively hilarious scene happening before them on the floor of Sehyoon and Donghun’s apartment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I—I can’t breathe.” Sehyoon gasps out. His face has turned bright red from his gasping laughter that has him keeling over and unable to get back up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please!” Donghun screeches.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should we intervene?” Byeongkwan asks, not entirely happy about his suggestion since that means he’ll have to let go of his comfy, tall boyfriend. There’d pretty much have to be a fire to get him to release Yuchan at this point. Very little could convince him that there is anything better than warm cuddles with someone he loves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah,” Yuchan lays back down, snuggling back into Byeongkwan’s neck and avoids witnessing the next face Junhee has planned. He can only imagine seeing it would have had him laughing himself off the bed. Probably taking Byeongkwan with him. And that is the last thing he wants to do while Byeongkwan is in such a pliant state.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t do this.” Donghun gasps. “I’m gonna cry.” And then the sound of laughter filters back into the room as Junhee joins them in their side splitting laughter on the floor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And they’re the oldest.” Byeongkwan rolls his eyes at their antics. Those three should be cuddling with them but instead they’re being literal children on the ground. Those three are lucky Byeongkwan loves them all so much or he’d take his cuddle session elsewhere.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We—we should make lunch.” Donghun barely gets out, still wheezing with laughter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Leave me here to die.” Sehyoon rasps, laying face down on the floor. Byeongkwan is tempted to roll over just to see the state Sehyoon has worked himself into. He can imgange the older boy is flushed red and a little out of breath, maybe even feeling a little flustered. Yeah, Byeongkwan definitely wants to see that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope.” Junhee says, getting up and grabbing Sehyoon’s elbow. Donghun gets up to help lift his boyfriend up off the floor. Which might not be that clean on second thought. Donghun occasionally sweeps, but he cannot pinpoint the last time the floors were mopped. Sehyoon needs to get off the floor immediately, he’s too </span>
  <em>
    <span>pretty</span>
  </em>
  <span> to be there, Donghun thinks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you go die on the bed instead?” Donghun suggests. “That way we don’t need to break our backs lifting you off the floor.” He’s joking. If Sehyoon wanted it, he’d absolutely carry him to their bed. Sehyoon is his baby after all and no matter how many people they add to their relationship, Sehyoon will always be his baby boy. His big cuddly teddy bear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not that heavy.” Sehyoon pouts despite seeming to really enjoy the idea of his bed and flops onto it, making Byeongkwan and Yuchan bounce a little at the impact. Sehyoon rolls over until he is almost completely on top of Byeongkwan and barely a breath away from Yuchan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyung, you’re squishing me.” Byeongkwan groans out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi cuties.” Byeongkwan can just tell Sehyoon is smiling brightly by the honeyed tone of his voice. He really wishes he could see how pretty Sehyoon looks with that dazzling smile, but he is currently being crushed beneath two different bodies. Oh does he loathe being the smallest out of his boyfriends. Yes, he does enjoy the babying, no, he does not like being squished at the bottom of their cuddle piles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sehyoon leans down — he’s feeling light and just so full of love that he needs to be expressing it in some form — peppering kisses across Byeongkwan’s face and the top of his head. Just sweet little lingering pecks dotted against his skin and around the crown of his head. The kisses are especially tender and the smile on Sehyoon’s face makes Yuchan’s heart melt in adoration at seeing his two boyfriend’s antics. Sehyoon glances up from Byeongkwan’s shy grumbles — giggling a little too much to properly keep showering Byeongkwan with kisses — and almost gasps at Yuchan’s blinding smile and the cutest eye smiles to match. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His heart thuds against his rib cage almost painfully, it feels like he might actually burst. Next thing he knows he has planted a deep kiss on Yuchan’s lips, further smothering the smallest of their group in between them. The two lose themselves in the deep kiss, ears tuned in to each other’s soft sighs and even softer lips, hearts pounding in sync as their lips slide against each other. Yuchan’s lips part almost desperately to feel more of Sehyoon against him. Sehyoon gives him exactly what he wants.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yah! Yah! Why are you three always horny!” Junhee breaks up their cuddle session turned make out session with a teasing smile pulling at his lips and an obvious tone of faux jealousy tinting his voice. Let the teasing begin — Byeongkwan didn’t even do anything, he was being squished mostly. He’d also like to point out that the other two are just as guilty. It’d be like the pot calling the kettle black. They’re all pretty horny all the time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite Junhee’s teasing tone, he and Donghun are watching the trio with sparkling eyes and Donghun has a suspiciously smug smile. He turns to goad Junhee, his smug smile turning into a full blown mischievous grin. “Aww, is poor little Junhee-ya jealous of the lack of attention? Does my pouty baby need kisses too?” Junhee has half a mind to nod, because yes he absolutely does need kisses.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If anyone should be jealous it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>me! </span>
  </em>
  <span>Hyung! </span>
  <em>
    <span>Move!</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Byeongkwan squeals — high pitched and little breathy at the same time only a combo Byeongkwan could pull off — shoving Sehyoon off of him, who looks visibly flustered and maybe a little agitated at being interrupted. His bangs are practically plastered to his forehead and his ears are as red as tomatoes. If anyone will be getting attention next it will be Sehyoon from Byeongkwan because he looks absolutely delectable in the most wrecked kind of way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Junhee pushes Donghun down on the bed, not having forgotten the older boy’s words for a second. He plops himself on the eldest’s lap and pulls at the collar of his shirt with both hands, trying to get his attention fully on him and no one else. Even Junhee can admit that Sehyoon and Byeongkwan make quite the compelling distraction with Yuchan leaning over them still a little out of breath and his eyes glazed over. But Junhee can be quite the compelling distraction himself when he wants to be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Junhee fists the back of Donghun’s hair, pulling him against him and pressing his lips ever so lightly against the older boy’s. His lips are light and teasing as he tugs at Donghun’s bottom lip. A slight sting before he runs his tongue along his boyfriend’s lower lip to soothe the pain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Donghun groans, getting more into the kiss, deepening it as best he can without taking too much control from Junhee. He grabs a hold of Junhee’s hips, pulling the younger boy impossibly close till they are flushed and pressed against each other in every way possible. Donghun’s hands slide down from his slender hips to grope at his ass — hard — and just as Junhee starts to really deepen their kiss, Donghun’s hands disappear. Junhee’s complaint is rising out of his throat and on the tip of his tongue when it’s rudely cut off by a yelp tearing through him as Donghun’s hand lands a sharp smack against his ass. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get up. Lunch.” Donghun gently rubs Junhee’s stinging skin rather comfortingly despite his sharp words. Junhee would literally rather do anything else than remove himself from his perch on his boyfriend’s lap. He has half a mind to bite Donghun for teasing him like that. Maybe he’ll save that for later.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sehyoon and Byeongkwan let out matching groans of despair at missing the display of dominance from Donghun and the fact that the fun is over. Everyone looks a little disappointed except Yuchan who starts laughing immediately at the despondent look on Junhee’s face. He cannot deny he was enjoying the show Byeongkwan and Sehyoon were putting on as well as the display Junhee and Donghun were exhibiting for all of them. He is kind of hungry though.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Junhee is feeling warm all over and is honestly finding it hard to concentrate as his boyfriends begin to bicker over what to make for lunch. He leans into Donghun’s side, who immediately wraps a secure hand around his hip, grounding him. Donghun is pouting at Yuchan who refuses every idea Byeongkwan and Sehyoon have for their lunch options. To be fair, no one has been shopping in maybe two weeks, the options are not good ones.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s order out.” Junhee mumbles against Donghun’s neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes!” Byeongkwan shouts. “Let’s splurge, I want a feast. We can have leftovers for dinner too. I want meat. Hamburgers? Lamb skewers?” he rattles off the top of his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuchan and Byeongkwan immediately get into it over what type of meat they should order. Sehyoon merely nods along with every option and Donghun is grateful because he doesn’t think he could take three people arguing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I get noodles?” Junhee asks, only Donghun can hear him over the youngests’s bickering.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, baby.” Donghun agrees immediately. Honestly, he isn’t used to Junhee being this soft and pliant. It makes him want to go back to the bedroom — lunch be damned — and cuddle the fuck out of his boyfriend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sehyoon suggests a place nearby that thankfully does have a variety of noodles and is close walking distance. He and Byeongkwan decide to go order the food and get a little bit of fresh air. Yuchan escapes to the bedroom where he knows Donghun took Junhee. Sehyoon shoves some money in his jean pocket and then for good measure shoves his hands in his pockets too to stop the temptation of grabbing the younger boy’s hand while in public. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The prejudices of their society are never far from his mind. Ever since he fell in love with Donghun’s smile all those years ago. Years before he even met the others. The weight of society’s judgment has weighed heavy on his mind. He built up walls and a sharp scary exterior around himself and Donghun in hopes of keeping them far away from people that might wish them harm. Byeongkwan burst into his life with booming laughter and teared down his walls in seconds. Sehyoon’s heart never stood a chance. He never thought his heart could feel so full of love, but Donghun, Byeongkwan, Junhee and Yuchan have carved themselves in and not a thing in the world can ever tear him away from the four boys he loves most in this life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wants to hold Byeongkwan’s hand on the way to the take out restaurant. It’s not the time yet. But one day he will and he won’t fear the looks of others or what anyone else might say. Just not today, but who knows about tomorrow or the next day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Byeongkwan announces the arrival of their food and Yuchan is there in the kitchen before he has even set the food down on their tiny counter. Junhee and Donghun take a little longer to enter the kitchen. They divy up the food and put leftovers into the fridge. The five of them try their hardest to pile onto the couch but eventually Yuchan and Byeongkwan find themselves on the floor, nestled in between their hyungs’ legs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuchan helps Donghun bring their dishes into the kitchen once they finish eating as Junhee snuggles into Sehyoon’s side, feeling full and content. Byeongkwan bounces around their tiny living room, looking over every shelf and surface until Donghun comes back into the living room and asks what he’s looking for.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where is your camera? I want to take some photos.” Byeongkwan explains.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What for?” It’s just a typical weekend where the five of them pile into their cocoon of love and pretend the rest of the world doesn’t exist. They spend Friday through Sunday surrounded by each other, sleeping in the same bed, working on homework together, and enjoying each other's company to the fullest. Weekends are all they get and Byeongkwan wouldn’t dare ask for more, he never thought he’d get this much.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want this moment to last forever. Ya know?” he says and Sehyoon nods, because he does know. He wants every moment to last until eternity. He misses every moment with the five of them before it’s even gone. As each moment passes Sehyoon wishes he could grab a hold of it and freeze it right there and then. So yes, Sehyoon does know.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm, a picture or two sounds nice.” Donghun agrees. He fetches his camera from a cupboard under a few rows of shelves along the wall. This seems to perk Junhee up. He quickly pulls Yuchan onto his lap, wrapping his arms around the younger boy’s slim waist and resting his chin on the boy’s shoulder. Junhee notices just a little bit of red dye marring the younger’s skin from yesterday's late night dye job that was anything but organized and efficient. It’s cute if he’s being honest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Donghun plops down in front of Sehyoon, nestling in between the boy’s legs. Sehyoon’s fingers slide through Donghun’s dark brown hair that’s getting quite long. It makes it more fun for Sehyoon to play with each morning when he wakes up — Donghun is always there sleeping beside him no matter what day of the week it is. Donghun grabs a hold of Byeongkwan’s hand and drags the younger boy into his lap. Byeongkwan goes willingly, a soft smiling playing at the corner of his lips as he takes the camera from Donghun.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Point it up a little more.” Yuchan says, suppressing a snicker at the way Byeongkwan is aiming the camera. Byeongkwan has half a mind to point out that Yuchan is also guilty of cutting their heads out of the frame, but he keeps it to himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here,” Sehyoon leans down, covering Byeongkwan’s hand with his much larger one and aims the camera higher.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Byeongkwan presses the button once, capturing them in this moment of soft smiles and just overall happiness at being together. He winds the camera and then presses the button again. He repeats the process three more times. With any luck, one of the pictures should turn out well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s play cards.” Yuchan says, hopping up from Junhee’s lap with an almost devious smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Donghun groans, not really in the mood to get his ass handed to him by their youngest in a card game, but when has he ever denied Yuchan anything. The answer to that is not ever. Yuchan scampers off to go retrieve their well worn deck of cards. Maybe he’ll go out and buy them a new set of cards. Maybe he will give them to Sehyoon for his birthday, which is next week and causing Donghun just the slightest bit of anxiety. When you’ve been together with someone as long as the two of them have it’s hard to hide anything from each other. It’s even harder to surprise each other. Donghun just doesn’t want to disappoint his baby on his birthday.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” Junhee says. “Is anyone free to go shopping with me? I need something new for my interview.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can.” Sehyoon says immediately. “Tomorrow?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah tomorrow is good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do I get to come?” Yuchan asks, now back with their deck of cards.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, you’d only be a distraction.” Sehyoon shoots him down immediately.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fair,” Yuchan shrugs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” Donghun nudges Byeongkwan who really hasn’t moved since he snapped the photos of them. “I’ll get those developed next week, okay? Are you ready to play?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yep,” Byeongkwan says, snapping out of his little trance. He sets the camera down on the coffee table and scoots out of Donghun’s lap. Yuchan deals out the cards, a little smirk tugging at the corner of his lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Donghun already knows he is going to regret this. If this doesn’t end in a screaming match between at least two of them he will be thoroughly surprised. Still, he wouldn’t change a thing for anything in the world. Yuchan is going down and that’s a promise.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> X December 2016 X</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wow,” Dowoon murmurs, taking in how cozy and comfortable Younghyun’s studio apartment is. Jaehyung makes himself comfortable on the futon that folds into a couch and folds out into quite the comfortable bed. He has crashed here many nights on this very futon. He wonders if Younghyun might let him sleep in his bed now — now that everything has changed and the feelings between all five of them have been laid bare.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun’s studio apartment obviously isn’t anything spectacular, but there are posters of american rock bands on the walls and a cherry red guitar and a midnight black bass on either side of the bed. The kitchen is only a few feet of counter space, a sink and a stove but it’s more than enough for them to attempt to bake a birthday cake. Attempt is the key word here since Younghyun, self proclaimed chef, is not allowed to help them. It’s his birthday after all. What type of birthday would it be if he baked his own cake?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first thing Wonpil notices is their photo on Younghyun’s fridge. Something pulls at his heart. A part of him wants to tie their souls together again, just in case. He doesn’t want this to ever end. In each lifetime he hopes to find them. Maybe recreating the photo would do just that. And in any event he won’t be blinking this time. He can’t believe Sehyoon found the photo with his eyes closed so amusing. He definitely needs to recreate the photo. Does Younghyun have any red string?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s like ice water was just dropped over Wonpil’s head. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That’s why.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pil?” Younghun says. “Are you going to get the eggs?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I figured it out.” Wonpil murmurs, not taking his eyes off the five smiling boys connected by the red thread of fate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Figured what out?” Jaehyung asks, coming up behind Wonpil to peer at the photo of them thirty years ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why we are stuck in this soulmate pentagon.” Wonpil says — soulmate pentagon being what they have been calling their predicament for the last month — unable to look away from where the red threads connect them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For real?” Jaehyung lets his shock show by quite the dramatic expression he is making.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This catches everyone’s attention. Sungjin gets up from the futon and Dowoon and Younghyun come to crowd around Wonpil and their photo. They all wait in silence for Wonpil to explain his revelation to them, but Wonpil can’t quite get the words together. They seem to be lost somewhere in the back of his throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Th—the threads,” he manages.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about them?” Sungjin asks, peering over Jaehyung’s shoulder to get a better look at the photo despite having a very similar one back in his dorm room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh!” Younghyun gasps. “That makes so much sense.” he sighs, almost relieved at the discovery. “Look at how the strings are tied. Yuchan to Byeongkwan, Byeongkwan to Donghun, Donghun to Sehyoon, Sehyoon to Junhee and Junhee to Yuchan.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you trying to tell me the way we tied the damn strings dictated who our souls bonded too in our next life?” Dowoon deadpans.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s it!” Jaehyung screeches. “I am fighting the mystical forces at work here and you can’t stop me!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun bursts out laughing at Jaehyung’s comical pose. “Babe, shut up you’re not fighting anyone you twig.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Babe?” Jaehyung’s face immediately blooms a vibrant pink to match Younghyun’s equally pink cheeks once he realizes what slipped through his lips. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “Babe…” Jaehyung rolls the word over his tongue, testing it out. “I kind of like the sound of that.” A teasing smile starts to pull at the edges of Jaehyung’s lips. He is looking a little too smug at Younghyun’s slip up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sh—shut up.” Yeah, Younghyun has nothing in response to that. Actually he would like to literally scream right now. He’s not sure Dowoon or Wonpil would appreciate him practically screaming into their ears though.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Real smooth, hyung.” Dowoon drawls, rolling his eyes at how obviously flustered both of them are.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just going to pretend I didn’t just witness that.” Sungjin says, heading back to his spot on the futon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun attempts to shrug off the interaction and goes to pull out his bowls, measuring cups and whisk. Wonpil finds it hard to tear his eyes away from the photo, still trying to process what this all means. Their soulmates were by chance. Byeongkwan could have tied those threads in any different configuration. Their soulmates really don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>matter. </span>
  </em>
  <span>All it did was bring the five of them back together. That’s what matters.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eventually Wonpil does open the fridge and pull out the ingredients they need. He can’t forget their purpose for being here in the first place. It’s Younghyun’s birthday, well actually next week is his birthday, but they have finals next week so they’re celebrating now on this snowy friday.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What possessed them to make a birthday cake from scratch well Wonpil can’t say really. It was Jaehyung’s idea, because and he quotes, “my BriBri deserves the best.” Of course Wonpil wasn’t going to disagree and Dowoon thought it might be fun. Sungjin is only here to watch the disaster unfold which is perfectly fine by Wonpil.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyung,” Wonpil whines, “Sit down! Shoo!” He is quite literally going to smack Younghyun with a spatula if he doesn’t quit hovering around them. “Dowoon and I got this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” Dowoon deadpans. “I’ve got this. I saw you pour an entire thing of salt into your soup last week.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jaehyung snorts so loud he chokes which only makes Sungjin start laughing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey!” Wonpil pouts. Okay so maybe he did do that, but Dowoon really didn’t have to point it out. “I know salt doesn’t go in cakes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ye—yes it does!” Younghyun immediately cuts in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” The look Wonpil is giving Younghyun is almost enough to send him into hysterics.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please tell me you both know that you have to add a bit of salt?” Younghyun looks seconds away from pulling out his hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course,” Dowoon snorts before turning back to the mixing bowl. No he did not but he isn’t going to admit that. They really need to pull up a recipe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonpil takes over whisking the eggs as Jaehyung stands up from the futon. “I can help!” he almost seems too giddy. Younghyun hates to deny him this joy, but he has eaten Jaehyung’s cooking before and he will not ever do that again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will tie you to the bed.” Younghyun threatens Jaehyung, pointing an accusing finger at the tall bean pole of a boy. Jaehyung nearly chokes at the threat, thank god he wasn’t drinking anything, because he would have spit it all over the floor. His face immediately heats up in ways he could not have predicted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay that’s enough.” Dowoon inserts himself in between the two flushed boys. “The sexual tension between you two is inappropriate for our cake baking.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Wonpil agrees, still beating the eggs to a pulp. “This is a cake made from love, not horniness.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sungjin — through his laughing fit — says, “J—Jae come sit back do—down.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can help.” Jaehyung pouts his way back to the futon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d actually like to be able to eat this cake so sit your scrawny ass down.” Younghyun huffs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is bullying.” Jaehyung accuses. Wonpil snorts at this. Jaehyung does have a scrawny ass, Wonpil has stared long enough at Jaehyung before so he should know.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dowoon pulls the mixing bowl out of Wonpil’s hands. “Whisking, they’re supposed to be fluffy, not beaten to death.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t do this.” Younghyun face plants into his bed not daring to watch the travesty happening in his kitchen just feet away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Sungjin says, pulling out his phone. “Have we decided on a takeout restaurant? I think we should order now since it’s a lot of food.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go ahead.” Younghyun grumbles through his bed sheets.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Grub hub is my best friend.” Jaehyung says, helping Sungjin place their order.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why am I not surprised.” Sungjin really can’t keep the fondness out of his voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m pouring the batter into the cake mold now. Is the oven preheated?” Dowoon asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” Wonpil replies, starting to put away their leftover ingredients.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The cake is in the oven, hopefully baking out any poison the two youngest might have accidently added. He really doesn’t want to die from a cake his friends made him. The futon only sits two so he has made himself quite comfy on his plush rug. He is using Sungjin’s legs as a backrest. He’s pretty surprised the older boy is letting him do that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonpil joins him on the rug, having washed the cake batter off of his face from a small mishap with a spatula. Dowoon got a good laugh out of that and would have offered to lick the batter off of his face if it weren’t for the raw egg in it. No one needs to ruin this day with food poisoning, that’s for sure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dowoon tries not to overthink it and just goes for it. He stands in front of Wonpil, moves his arms out of his lap and makes himself comfortable right there in the hollow between Wonpil’s legs. And Wonpil doesn’t say anything. He wraps his arms around Dowoon’s waist and rests his chin on the younger boy’s shoulder. He’s the perfect height for that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sungjin — a fond smile starting to twitch at the corner of his lips — asks Younghyun about how his final for their music composition class is going. Younghyun points at his midnight black bass as he explains the chord progression he is working on. Jaehyung tunes in intently, he loves hearing Younghyun talk about the music he is working on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun has a stash of songs he has written saved away, but in the end he decided something new and fresh would be appropriate for this assignment. Sungjin on the other hand has been working on a piece for months — actually now that he thinks about it he started writing it right after he met Wonpil — and it’s honestly been taking a lot out of him but he really wants it to be perfect. He thinks it’ll definitely get him a good grade on his final. His working title is Afraid at the moment and he thinks he might stick with it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jaehyung took this class last year and is quite thankful he does not have to compose any new music for his finals. Still, he loves hearing Younghyun go on and on about chord progressions and lyrics. Wonpil and Dowoon let all this new information soak in. Wonpil makes it a point to ask if he can hear any of their works later and maybe he can even play it on the piano. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>However, Dowoon goes ahead and asks, “Sungjin hyung? Can you sing some of it for us?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sungjin has a deer-caught-in-the-headlights-look but nonetheless robotically nods his head. He clears his throat before gesturing for Younghyun’s guitar. His electric guitar won’t quite sound the same as his acoustic guitar he’s been working with, but it’ll do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He strums the first few chords with a soft hum. “Sometimes when I see you next to me, I feel like I’m unhappy with my greed, because you said the sky was so beautiful. But now you’re walking on the ground and it’s like you are looking at me.” He sings low and raspy then soothes into a hum as he hasn’t quite figured out the next few lyrics. “I don’t think I’d make you happy. I’m so afraid, I’m so afraid. Will you be like me? I can’t let go or I can’t catch you.” He abruptly stops at the knock on their door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck,” Jaehyung whispers, not able to take his eyes off Sungjin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun hasn’t even registered the knock at his door and neither has Wonpil. Dowoon studies carefully the way Sungjin’s fingers twitch over the strings of the guitar. Sungjin lets out a soft, but awkward chuckle before getting up and putting the guitar back. He opens the door and retrieves their food. Setting it on the coffee table in front of Younghyun.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guys stop staring at me, please.” Sungjin is seconds away from combusting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyung,” Wonpil gasps. “That was beautiful.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun sucks in a breath, blinking away the tears starting to gather in his eyes. “Thanks for sharing it with us.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yep!” Sungjin squeaks. He is literally three seconds away from throwing himself out the window. Younghyun lives on the second floor so at most he’ll break a leg. Anything would be better then the way the four of them are staring at him right now. “You, uh, should check on the cake.” He says to try and distract at least one of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dowoon bounces up and Wonpil follows to gather dishes and chopsticks for them to use. As Wonpil starts scooping food onto their dishes, Dowoon pulls out the cake to let it cool before they frost it. Younghyun pulls out his laptop and Jaehyung suggests a few movies he wants to watch. They fall into a rhythm of eating and laughing as the movie’s antics play out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They pause the movie and clean up their dishes and Wonpil starts frosting the cake. They sit down to finish the movie. Dowoon is sitting on the ground, Wonpil’s legs are bracketing him and Younghyun continues to use Sungjin’s legs as a backrest. Jaehyung has his knees pulled up to his chest and is using them as a headrest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once the movie is finished and Younghyun’s laptop is moved out of harm's way Wonpil is rushing to fetch the birthday candles they bought earlier. Sungjin gets up to help, just a little nervous of Wonpil setting something on fire. Wonpil pushes in five candles carefully in a circle around the edge of the cake. Sungjin carries the now lit cake over as Wonpil starts to sing happy birthday. Jaehyung joins in and Dowoon claps along, keeping a steady beat. Younghyun has an unmistakably happy grin splitting his face open and actually hurting his cheeks but he’s just </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> happy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sungjin sets the cake down in front Younghyun. “Make a wish!” Wonpil cheers, taking his seat back behind Dowoon. Dowoon leans back into Wonpil’s chest, a soft smile lighting up his face. Sungjin kneels down next to Younghyun. Jaehyung scooches across the futon, taking Sungjin’s vacated spot so that he is closer to the birthday boy — his best friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and blows out the five candles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jaehyung just can’t help himself. The desire to know out weights the knowledge that asking means it won’t come true. “Whatcha wish for?” A sudden rush of deja vu consumes him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A smirk pulls at the corner of Younghyun’s lips as his eyes connect with Jaehyung’s almost electrifying gaze. He stands up, dusting off his pants to add to the suspense. “This,” He plops himself down on Jaehyung’s lap, his knees on either side of Jaehyung’s hips. He rests his hands against the back of the futon, completely caging Jaehyung in. He hears soft gasps from behind him, but that doesn't deter him. He’s determined. “You have no idea how much it’s been agonizing me not to do this today.” Jaehyung sucks in a breath at the sound of Younghyun’s lower register that can really only be described as gravely. Something warm pools in his gut as he grips Younghyun’s hips, anything to find purchase on because he is so close to hyperventilating. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Is this happening? For real?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do what?” he goads, titling his head up so that their lips are only inches apart. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That’s it.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Younghyun rushes in, it’s wild as he throws caution to the wind because </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span> he has wanted to do this since he met Jaehyung two and a half years ago. Their lips slam together in a passionate kiss as if Jaehyung had been waiting just as long for this moment. Their wait had </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> been worth it. Their lips slide together and Jaehyung takes just the slightest bit of control, an almost bruising grip on Younghyun’s hips. He nibbles gently at Younghyun’s bottom lip, sliding his tongue across to soothe the slight sting. Younghyun’s lips part, a soft content exhale escapes him at the slick slide of their lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dowoon is gripping Wonpil’s thigh so hard he wouldn’t be surprised if he left a bruise and if Wonpil is being completely honest, he wouldn’t mind it if he did. Sungjin can’t tear his eyes away from the pair. His mind is swimming with so many emotions, he has half a mind to go join the two youngests but he cannot quite get his legs to work with him. Younghyun pulls back with a small groan, he cannot believe he just did that. Jaehyung is just as stoopified, but also so pleasantly satisfied. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want this. This is my birthday wish.” Younghyun says, his voice breathy and husky making Sungjin’s knees go completely weak. “This last month has been absolute heaven and if every day can be just like this I’d never ask for more. The five of us belong together.” Younghyun is trying his hardest to not cry, but the memories playing in his head of the life the five of them used to have are enough to bring him to his knees. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want it.” Jaehyung whispers just loud enough for everyone to hear. Wonpil is almost sure he misheard until Jaehyung says it again. “I want it. I want all four of you so much it hu—hurts.” Tears start to pool in Jaehyung’s eyes but really it’s no different for any of them. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span> they’re all crying again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dowoon rubs at his eyes, determined to stop his tears. “We have a second chance.” He says. “I want to take it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too.” Wonpil wraps his arms tight around Dowoon’s waist, keeping the younger boy as close as physically possible. “Let’s make it official.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all turn to Sungjin who really hasn’t said much of anything besides a few soft gasps. Younghyun does his best despite his precarious position on Jaehyung’s lap. As if noticing how unsteady Younghyun was feeling, Jaehyung circles his arms around the younger boy’s waist. Younghyun’s blurry gaze connects with Sungjin’s damp eyes and he can already tell the answer is yes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please,” Sungjin sniffles, finally getting his legs to work so that he can join the youngest in their hugging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we please eat the cake now.” Dowoon says to cut the tension and hopefully he’ll get to cut the cake too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun and Jaehyung untangle themselves and start passing out slices of cake. Younghyun is admittedly nervous to eat the cake but the last thing he wants to do is disappoint his </span>
  <em>
    <span>boyfriends.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Damn, that felt good to think. He can’t wait until he can say it out loud.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This cake is disgusting.” Jaehyung blanches around the forkful in his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is not!” Wonpil defends ready to throw his fork at the eldest, but ultimately decides that is a very bad idea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t make them sad.” Sungjin scolds. “Our boyfriends worked very hard on this.” The teasing smile on Sungjin’s lips sends butterflies to Wonpil’s stomach.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun groans around a forkful of cake and it’s not because the cake is good. It’s actually kind of sour. Did they use the lemon juice in his fridge? No, he groans because nothing has ever sounded better than the word ‘boyfriend’ coming out of Sungjin’s mouth in his low raspy satoori.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s go on a date tomorrow. The stereotypical first date everyone goes on, a movie and dinner. And I really don’t give a fuck who sees us.” Dowoon says, not taking no for an answer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes!” Jaehyung immediately agrees followed by Wonpil — who presses a peck against Dowoon’s cheek making him glow with fondness just the slightest bit more — and Sungjin who nods enthusiastically.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The four of them look to Younghyun who hasn’t been able to take his eyes off of Wonpil. Something warm curls in his chest and makes his heart beat just the slightest bit faster. “On one condition.” He says, his gaze never straying from Wonpil.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anything,” Wonpil breathes, completely captivated by Younghyun. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Wow</span>
  </em>
  <span> he gets to call this boy his. All of them are his and he is theirs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I get to hold your hand.” An endless suffocating weight lifts off Younghyun’s shoulders at the smile that takes over Wonpil’s face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t have it any other way. Never let go, okay?” Wonpil says and the question is directed at all of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never,” the four of them echo around each other. This is it. This is their eternity.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Did y'all like my inclusion of Afraid? I'm quite proud of myself! Comments and kudos make me very happy and thank you for reading till the end. The next step is to edit this story but I'm not sure when that will be. I'm kind of shocked I wrote this chapter in a day and a half, I really do mean it when I tag I wrote this instead of sleeping.</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="https://twitter.com/moonglider6">Twitter</a><br/><a href="https://curiouscat.me/moonglider6">curious.cat</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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